| I apologize in advance, this is kind of all over the place. I don't know what I'm asking really. We've been married for six years. 2.5 years ago I started having mental problems. Severe depression and anxiety. We determined it was work related (with the help of a psychiatrist. We relocated and got new jobs and 2 years goes by make job changes to account for returning to school. Old debt resurfaces and we now have moderate financial problems. Fights ensue. I am the cause of these debts. The wife is good at pointing that out. She controls her anger most of the time, but not always. It's very painful to me because the debts are caused from the depression/anxiety. She KNOWs its painful. The wife has terrible luck finding a job in her field and has to start again, but now she is just a factory line worker. Hates it. depressed. Life isn't fair. I'll start this section off by saying I was a jack***. About one year ago, we changed our method of birth control. She was on the nueva ring. She started it right when we got married. I have not been able to bring her to orgasm except once or twice, which is why we switched back to condoms. We thought this would fix it. It did not. I didn't exactly care about her needs as much as i should have. I got mine the rest was her problem. She was never too concerned about it at first, then it became the norm. At some point my ideals about our sex life changed and realized she need much better than what I was offering her. After communicating with her about sex multiple times (subtle at first then openly) we determine that she no longer finds me attractive. I know this because she said it blatantly. I realized it before she told me and my self-esteem has steadily dropped. Timing was terrible too, because she told me I was no longer attractive to her right after these debts resurfaced. So moderate debt that makes our life miserable, terrible sex life (between 4 and 10 times a month. still frequent but worthless for her. and not really fun for me. Pity on her part I suppose. Makes it even worse). My wife is an attractive woman. I am not. I got lucky. If she found another man most of her problems would just disappear. This debt is in my name only. Worst case scenario her sex life doesn't change. It'll be hard to find a mug as ugly as mine. In my mind I don't know why she hasn't left yet. I haven't been the best of husbands. I'm not terrible, but I've been an emotional wreck on and off. (now on again) Prone to anger. Because of all this I am now terrified that she will cheat on me or is cheating on me. The fact that there is no evidence doesn't seem to deter me. I constantly scan her emails, her phone, and search the house for 'evidence'. I even went as far as to put a key logger on the computer. Of course nothing turned up. I have even accused her multiple times. Everytime I accused her I could see the hurt in her reactions. (she's not the type to be able to fake this) I can't stop myself. I've settled with waiting for solid 'evidence' before accusing her, but the paranoia is still there. I am still spending a lot of time on this non issue. It takes time to properly scan phone, email, computer, and house without her knowing (although she probably already knows). This next line is just the paranoia kicking in. Now I find myself thinking she is just good at hiding it. She 'knows' as much as I do about computers. Sure maybe its not second nature to her like it is me, but maybe she started planning her 'affair' before I realized it was going on and.... It just goes on from here and tends to insanity. I don't know. life is just terrible like this. After writing this all out, I know the answer is obvious. Psychiatrist (which I can't afford). But maybe it isn't that obvious. What are some of your insights | |||
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