| Just to give a little background information, my husband is 10 years older than me. He just turned 33, and I'm going to be turning 23 in a few weeks. A couple months ago he got a new truck driving job. Its a local driving job, so he does get to come home everyday but unfortunately the job does require him to be gone for about 14 hours a day. Technically he only works about 12 hours but work is about an hour away from our house so it takes an extra two hours just to get there and back everyday. Sorry for rambling. So anyway, monday through friday he spends the majority of his time at work. By the time he gets home, he is usually exhausted (which is certainly understandable) and he usually just goes straight to bed when he gets home. So, its not like we have the time to have sex every single day, but considering his long work hours, I think we still do it pretty regularly... Id say at least one or two times a week, typically. So, heres whats bothering me. This morning I was in bed asleep, and I got woken up by my husband's phone going off. Every Sunday morning, he always goes to church and he always sets his phone alarm so he doesn't oversleep. Well, this morning, he apparently forgot to take his phone to church with him, which is pretty unusual for him. Anyway, I reached over and turned the alarm off, and fell back asleep. A few minutes later it started going off again. So now, Im pretty much wide awake and irritated that I keep getting woken up. I pick up his phone and I start to look at it, trying to figure out why this stupid alarm won't stop going off. As I was looking at it, I noticed he had made some kind of list on his phone. It was a list that said "Things to remember" or something like that, and it just had normal everyday stuff on it, nothing out of the ordinary... or so I thought. I noticed that at the very bottom of the list were two names. They were female names. I was curious who th ese two females were, so I decided to google their names. I found out that they are both porn stars. I immediately had this sick feeling come over me. I just felt like bursting into tears. My immediate thoughts going through my head were "Whats wrong with me? Does he not find me as attractive as them? Do I not satisfy him in bed?" I'm far from being overweight. I take care of my body and I spend time on my appearance. And theres nothing that he has asked me to do in the bedroom that I've refused to do for him. So I couldnt understand why he would be looking at and lusting at other women. My second thoughts were "Ok... just calm down and be rational. Listen to yourself and stop being a hypocrit! Haven't YOU ever watched porn?? Of course you have! Does that mean you don't find HIM attractive? No. Does it mean hes not good enough? No." Im pretty sure he knows that I watch porn from time to time. Not on a daily basis or anything... but when hes not around, sometimes I do. I've mentioned it to him before.... Ive never had a serious, full blown conversation about it with him but I have mentioned that I sometimes watch it, and we would just both kind of laugh about it like it was no big deal. I mean I've never sat him down and had a formal discussion about it like "I have to tell you something. Sometimes I watch porn." Its just something that I mentioned to him and like I said, we both just laugh and he acts like he doesn't care. Regardless, he is aware that I watch it from time to time. However, he has never told me that he watches it. He seems like its something that he feels the need to hide. When I first got with him, the discussion of porn came up and at first, he wouldn't even admit that he had ever watched it. Stupid me, although I thought it was highly unusual, I believed him at the time. Later on, I questioned him about it again and he finally admitted that he had watched it before, but was embarrassed about it. He was married once before me. It didn't last long, only a few years. I think he married her when he was 22 and they were divorced by the time he was 26. He didn't come out and admit to this, but I have speculations that he watched porn back then and had to hide it from her so that she wouldnt pitch a fit about it. I think thats why he didn't want to admit it to me at first.... and I think thats why he STILL feels the need to be secretive about it. The thing is, when we first got together, he would always complain about his ex and never had anything good to say about her whenever she came up. He always went on about how much better I was than her.... my looks, my personality, and about how we have so much more in common than they did. So I just used to think that he watched porn when he was with her because he was unhappy with her, and it was a way to just escape from her and fantasize about being with someone else. Even though he admitted to watching porn at one point in his life, I honestly thought he was done with it. I always thought that since hes with me now and claims to be happy with me, he has no reason to watch it anymore. Besides that, I even let him take some videos/pictures of us during some very intimate acts... because HE wanted to and because I was hoping "well at least this way when I'm not with him, if he wants something to look at, he can just watch this instead of some porno skank". But apparently our videos/pictures together aren't enough and he still feels the need to want more. Again, I feel like I have no right to bring it up to him or complain about it because I watch it too sometimes when hes not around, and it has nothing to do with not being happy or satisfied with him. Part of it is curiosity, part of it is just fantasy. Even if you love someone and think theyre the best looking person in the world, that doesnt mean that you just all of a sudden stop thinking that other people are attractive too. Its not like your spouse is the most gorgeous person alive, and everyone else is just hideous. I think its human nature, whether youre married or not, to get bored of only looking at or fantasizing of one person for your entire life. I understand this. So then why do I feel so devastated and take it so personally when I found out that HE does it? Why do I automatically think I must not be as good or as sexually appealing to him as those other girls? I just dont get why I feel this way. Maybe its just because most of it has to do with being shocked. He has never actually admitted that he still watches it so I just assumed that his porn watching days were pretty much over. Thats a nice thought but I realize it was pretty niave and stupid of me. I think a lot of the reason it upsets me, has to do with the fact that I didn't KNOW that he was watching it. I mean if I admitted to him that I sometimes watch it, why couldnt he admit it to me? Now I just feel like I dont want him to touch me or even talk to me. I almost feel betrayed... but at the same time I dont feel that I have a right to be mad at him so I shouldn't bring it up. So why do I feel this way? Do I have a right to be upset? If not about the actual act of watching porn, do I even have the right to be upset that he didnt tell me about it? I know some of you will just say "Its just porn. Be glad hes just looking at porn and not cheating on you." Yes thats true and I'm thankful for that. And if there was any type of cheating going on, I would absolutely confront him about it. Please go easy on me. I know this type of question may seem like nothing compared to some of the problems that the people on this forum go through, but I just feel horrible right now, and I'd really appreciate some insight. Thanks. | |||
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