| So for the past two years, I've accused my husband of cheating or having inappropriate emotional relationships with women we mutually knew. He always denied it, and when accused, he cut off all contact with those women. But 12 days ago, I found undeniable evidence that he is / was / has been cheating for at last two years. I just hadn't picked the right women to accuse him with. He was cheating with women I didn't know. At the time, he was currently on a business trip. I sent him a text and asked him if he was packing his bags and moving to the city/state of his lover. He denied it. I sent him a screen shot of what I found on his computer. He confessed and said he'd cut it off immediately. Later, I returned to the same graphic images I had previously found as indisputable evidence, and I realized they were pictures of not one woman - but two. I pointed this out to him, and he got mad at me for analyzing the photos. Later in the week, he confessed to suicidal intentions off and on for the past few years. From what I learned about infidelity, thoughts of suicide can be common as it's the only way the cheating spouse can see a way out of this hole he dug. When he returned home, we communicated by writing in a notebook and leaving our "letter" for the other one. It was the only way we could communicate without major meltdowns. Not to mention that we also have 2 kids and can't talk in front of them. I kept telling him that if he wants a chance for this marriage to work, he has to come clean. He has to give me all of him, or none of him. I won't accept a sham of a marriage. I need the truth. He needs to hear me say I know all of it and I can still love him. I need to hear it all and know that I can still love him. Finally, he confessed. He said there were 3 women for a total of 5 times. Mostly it was just "sexting." Two of the 3 were on business trips and were only 1 time each. The other was someone he used to date and they met for lunch a few times, with physical infidelity following the lunch date. He said that particular girl is completely over and has gotten married, had a kid, etc. And he promised to cut off all contact with the one lady he was currently sexting with. This hurt. But I could recover from this. WE could recover from this. We continued writing our letters. I left on a business trip and asked him to really dig deep. He kept saying the cause of his infidelity was that our bedroom action wasn't exciting or frequent enough for his needs. (We are probably average in the bedroom - a couple nights a week - sometimes more sometimes less. Typically in bed, after the kids are asleep, etc.) I kept asking him to look deeper - that the diminishing sex was not the problem, but one of the symptoms of the problem. He also has seriously neglected me emotionally... but again - not the problem, but a symptom of the deeper relationship problem. He did finally dig deeper, and I thought he realized there was more to this than just sex. When he contacted a marriage counselor, I was pleased. Until I realized it was a sex therapist he was looking for. We went on a date last night, and we reconnected like when we were originally dating. He looked at me lovingly. He's offered complete access to his computer and phone. We felt so close that we made love when we got home. All he could talk about was how incredible it was. All I could think about was what exactly he'd done with the other women - had he told them it was incredible too? Today, I discovered a conversation on his computer with another woman - one I know of from his past - talking about how he got busted, and he told me 3 women, 5 times because he didn't want to "blow me away." And no, I didn't know anything about her. And the pictures/texts I found were from "past girlfriends" (even though they were definitely very current - at least the one girl was current!) He denies it. He says I need to let go of the past and focus on the future. But how can I do that when he's still lying to me? I also discovered that he has a match.com account and has been contacting women. I also discovered he looks at porn every day, and he looks at graphic pictures of us every day or multiple times a day. Maybe he does need sex therapy - it seems like he has an addiction. I'm devastated. I was so hopeful, and now I'm crushed. I don't know what to do. Is it time to ask him to move out, until he can give me complete honesty? I feel like maybe it is. But I don't want to let go of the hope that was forming. I thought we'd come through this and be stronger than ever. I am still very strongly opinionated that I want all or none. I don't want a fake marriage. I want to know it all and mourn the loss of what we had, and then let it go and look to the future together. And it can happen in baby steps - I know it will take time. But he has to be willing. I never thought this would happen to me. I know that's naïve... but we were so good together. Or at least I thought we were. Please - has anyone been in a situation somewhat similar to me? Does knowing everything help you to heal? Is it possible to recover? Is it possible to trust again? Is it possible to be intimate without picturing what else he's done? | |||
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