Can this be fixed?

BG- We have been together 7 years, have 2 kids (1 together, 1 is his step-child) and are currently separated. We are separated for many reasons, one big one being lack of sex (roughly 3 times in the last 3 years prior to this) Our other problems are being worked on but right now I am stuck on the sex part. Our reason for being sexless is actually a lot different than many of the stories I've read here. We are both HD and would both like sex 3-7 times a week - or more if the opportunity is there! I don't even really remember exactly how it happened but during pregnancy he did not want sex so I gave a lot of oral, he would promise to get me back, it never happened. When we did start having sex again it was one sided with NO effort from him at all, literally just me hopping on, doing all the work and getting nothing, not even a touch or kiss. It made me feel like a hooker. So I just stopped and I guess he decided it wasn't worth it to put in the effort to start it back up. At one point about 3 years ago things were getting a bit better and then stopped again. Ok so fast forward to now, since separation we've been having sex regularly. Maybe I am expecting too much but here are my basic issues 1- even though he makes an effort to make me O before sex now with his hands, it's just so loveless. It's just "take off your pants" and then right to my V to get me to O. Well, I can O by myself, that's not what I've been craving. I want intimacy and love and to feel like he's not just doing it so I'll stop *****ing about it. I've asked him to at least get me turned on before he gets right to it but so far it hasn't changed. I can finish very quickly if the setting is right, the way it is now is very difficult since I am trying so hard to not make it too much work for him and can't focus on just feeling good. I'm not left feeling satisfied. 2- He hates giving oral, if he ever does it it has to be 69 (which I hate) and then once I'm done I finish him with oral separately. This annoys me because I'm in an uncomfortable position, usually feeling humiliated because I know he doesn't want to do it, and trying to finish as fast as I can. Then he gets to lay back and relax for his finish. I would love to just lay back and relax :( I've told him that doing it this way is not even worth it to me which I'm pretty sure he is fine with since he is only doing it to get a BJ -- after the issues we had in the past I had said no more BJs ever, this is his way around it I guess. 3. He makes me feel gross. I have to shower/bath before anything - I can understand that- but then when he touches me he'll hold his hand out like it's covered in poop and go wash up quick, he has to shower *right* after sex, I have to do all the clean up, even on him. It's hard to explain, it's just the look and feeling I get from it all, makes me feel disgusting. I should never leave sex feeling worse than I did before IMO and 4. I just worry that it will never get better or even stay where it's at now. This is a lot more effort than he is used to and I can tell that me asking him to do even more is annoying him and eventually it will go back to him not wanting to try - because he thinks I'm too difficult- and me either having no sex or sex that does nothing for me and I can't go back to that. Picking between feeling used or feeling unloved and unwanted is horrible. So we talked, he wants to fix this but how? and how to keep it fixed? I want him to want to do stuff for me, I don't want to feel like I am making him. He wants me to acknowledge the effort he is making and be happy instead of always looking at the negative but I worry that if I praise him for this, he won't fully understand that it's not what I am asking for or need. He thinks we will get there and it's just awkward now because we are starting new. Maybe that is true but do I just trust that I will get what I need soon and just leave it alone? I need to know soon if this is it (so I can make a choice based on that) I just realized how long this is so I'll leave it at that and if you have any questions feel free to ask. Thank you all in advance

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