| My wife is the total package, except... She is smart, beautiful, hard-working, cleanly, responsible, moral, my family loves her, but... From the first time we had sex I knew we were sexually incompatible. I'm pretty conservative in bed, but she makes me look like sexcapades. I'm a seducer who enjoys showing her how attracted I am to her, and she deals out rejection like other people screen calls from telemarketers. For the first year of our relationship, I did not complain, because she had lied about her inexperience, saying instead that she was a rape victim to explain why she was the way she was. That said, my dissatisfaction prevented me from really going all in committed to the relationship at the time. A year later she came clean, but by then it was too late. We were too far down the road. Shortly after I told her that I needed more from her sexually, and she cried with shame and promised me things would get better. Instead they got worse. My needs are minimal. We have sex about once a week, and I'm fine with the frequency. I'm not complaining about the amount of sex we have, just the type. She is not at all adventurous or experimental. She has a sex toy which she refuses to use in front of me, even though she has always known that watching her pleasure herself would be my only semi-kinky turn on. She never has, even for a few seconds. When she bought it she "allowed" me to use it on her once, climaxed, got angry with herself and me for doing it, mumbled something about "now I gave you everything", and we never used it again. Once a week I will ask her if she will "allow me" to go down on her. 9 out of 10 times she says no. I ask her if she will occasionally ask me to do this for her, and she never does. I try to be spontaneous, and a few times I was up before her and tried to kiss and caress her awake ten minutes before her alarm to fool around before work, and she used an extra nasty voice to reject me saying that she needed to sleep more even though she had been asleep over 8 hours already. She said she needed more kissing during sex during one argument, so I said "no problem" and now she has no complaints about the act itself. The rejection is the worst part. Whereas in the beginning, when we were still new to each other and passionate I could seduce her out of it. Now she gets downright nasty. She will not allow me to kiss her or touch her in any way that might make her aroused. When she's not being outright nasty about it, she's rescheduling sex -- seemingly just to do it and exercise control -- for a time later that day or the next that invariably never comes. The crazy thing is that I know she enjoys sex. She has never not climaxed at least once in ten years. Sometimes she climaxes so hard that she literally weeps uncontrollably. Now there are no more tears of shame when we talk about why she is like that. Instead she makes it about me, and everything that has nothing to do with sex. She points out that sometimes I leave "my socks on the floor" or some such. She said today that sometimes I don't take the garbage out at night when she asks, and instead I take it in the morning. WTF does that have to do with anything?!? This infuriates me because she is attempting to make parity between the dissatisfaction she feels when I don't remember to empty the dishwasher to what a decade of disappointment, pain, and humiliation feels like. She complains that after ten years of monogamy she needs more commitment and more of a bond before better sex. In reality, our sex life is the cause of the above, and not a result of it. She is just setting a nebulous bar that she can always move to avoid confronting her hang ups. Most infuriating is that I know what it takes to instantly fix the situation, as once I saw her make an effort to be something like I wanted to her to be. I just have to leave her. Last year I attempted to leave her, and a few weeks later we had lunch together and she asked me to go home with her. I didn't want to, and I told her so, but she kept insisting and I did. It wasn't lust, it's just even harder for me to say "no" to her than it is for her to just say "yes" to me. That day she was a half-a-sex-cat in the sack. A few weeks later she asked me to come home and stay with her because she was having some personal issues, and I did, and never left again. Since then I've been all in on the relationship. I really began to try and see it as an eternal union, and not just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The good sex never returned though. Earlier this year we almost split up again, and I finally told her that sex is important to me. I could never admit it to her before because she is good at making me feel dirty for having even my basic sexual needs, and I was always too embarrassed. We didn't split up, but nothing has changed. This morning it came to a head. I was teasing her about coming home for a "nooner" as I would be working from home that day. She said she didn't have time, and I said that must mean she's not taking a lunch break since she can climax in under 3 minutes. To be clear, she knew I was teasing. I would not expect her to actually do it, as she never has. A few times I've joked like this before, and she would just say "maybe" and then forget about it all together. This time she used her nasty rejection voice to say something to the effect of "Gimme a break, stop this s**t". I just snapped. I went from joking and smiling to furious in 1 second. I told her that if she could not find it in herself to feel shame for not being able to satisfy the minimal sexual needs of her husband, then she could at least not be nasty about it, and it escalated from there. Should I have any reason to believe that she will ever change? She actually told me a few times years ago that "this is how I am, I'm not gonna change". She has since said she misspoke and never said it again. It's becoming clear that she probably did not misspeak at all. Is there anything I can do, or is it time to accept that this tiger will never change her stripes? | |||
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