| Hi all, This will be a bit long. I apologize. I'm a male in my late 30's and married for 13 years and together for 17. I have 3 kids in elementary school. Been with my wife since I was 21. Recently I did what had always been the most unlikely and unthinkable thing I could ever do. I had an affair with a woman I worked with and was friends with for about 5 years. We were always very good friends but it was strictly a work friendship. We lived somewhat close so we then started carpooling. Probably the worst thing I could have done from the standpoint of being a married man. My wife knew full well we were carpooling, just the 2 of us. But it wasn't an issue because number 1, she trusted me :-/. And number 2, my "friend" was married with kids as well. And in the beginning that's all it was. Friends. Nearly 2 years of carpooling as friends. As time went on the carpool talk became more and more personal. We began sharing things about one another and our personal lives that should not be shared between two married people. We both had marital issues and that became a very big topic. Obviously. Well, something sparked and we both admitted we had feelings for one another for quite sometime. I didn't even know how this happened but it did. Well, now I do. What began as an emotional affair turned physical, although it was incredibly difficult for me to engage in the physical out of sheer guilt. Overwhelming guilt. It was so bad that my first attempts were just that. Attempts. I couldn't even perform if you know what I mean. Eventually I was able but felt horrible. I couldn't believe what I was doing and yet I didn't stop myself either. I suppose it was because I had these strong feelings for her and wanted to make her happy. We both exchanged the I love you's leading up to this. The problem was it went beyond the I love you's. It started going to soul mates and leaving our marriages for one another. Both our spouses found out and yet both of them were willing to work through the marriages. I broke it off with her nearly 20 times. She was counting. Only to fgo back time and time again because of the feelings involved. Sometime later, I'll spare the details because it's long, here I am. I quit my job to try and salvage my marriage. I haven't really had any communication in a month besides 2 emails to me and one back. In doing my research I know you have to make a cold hard permanent break. But, it's alot easier said then done when you honestly love a person. But I'm doing my very best. You must remember this relationship was 4 years in before it turned into anything other than good friends. So in going through this I must now lose a very good friend in her as well. I have good days and bad. Times where I can't get her out of my head and times where I don't think about her. But it's a very conscious effort to do so. A struggle. During the on again off again stuff, I said some pretty hurtful things to my wife. I love you but I'm not in love with you. Don't know if I ever was. I care about you but it's not enough. You could be the very best wife in the world but it wouldn't change the fact I'm in love with someone else. I can't control the way I feel. I've been here for mostly the kids, etc. That sort of thing. I did actually believe this stuff 100% when I was saying it. Not sure if I still do or maybe some of it. I don't know. What I do know is what I did was terribly wrong. If the things I said are indeed true I am not going to ever come to that realization with another woman I have deep feelings for in the picture. My sense of reality may be way off right now because all the feelings I have for this other woman are there. I recognize that. This is why I ended it. If my marriage is going to fail it can't be because of another woman. I have to see if I am still in love with my wife or at least can be again first. For the sake of everyone involved, including myself. But right now it feels pretty difficult and I suppose that's going to be the case for awhile. My wife and I hadn't been very nice to one another years leading up to this. We disrespected one another in how we spoke. We fought alot without any resolutions. I'm not going to blame her completely but she was very unstable and didn't handle stress well and when you have 2 working parents and 3 young kids, she was off the deep end. Basically taking out her stress on me. I was her emotional punching bag. Well she's recognized that and made positive changes. Changes I truly do see and appreciate. We are on much better terms now in how we speak and treat one another. But...and there's always a but. And here is my biggest problem. I do not feel that loving feeling or that desire to just cuddle up with her. I really hadn't for a few years and now more so than ever for obvious reasons. I am in love with another. But the thing is I at least "want" to be in love with my wife instead. But how? How can I do this? Is this possible? I do love her and care for her but I do not feel that passionate type of love at all. Nor do I have much in the way of sexual desires for her right now either. But that could be because the emotional wounds are still very fresh. I have been to therapy on my own and now in marriage counseling. However, I have not been this up front and brutally honest about how I'm feeling right now with either her or the counselor. I've hurt her enough and I've no desire to continue to do so while trying to fix my marriage. So many things I've read about affairs and the feelings they generate are fictional almost. Based on fantasy. How a person can see all the things in someone else that the spouse is lacking. The whole grass is greener saying comes into full force and effect. And apparently statistical data backs it all up. Relationships formed out of infidelity rarely ever last. So what seems like the perfect person for me, my soul mate now, is nothing but fantasy being played out in my head. So why put my wife through these feelings I'm having if it's all fantasy anyway and they will pass. I choose to keep it to myself and engage in my struggle. But how do I fall "in love" with my wife again, if truly I ever was? A question I cannot answer in my current emotional state. Is there hope? Thanks for listening... | |||
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