| Hi all I joined because I really need some objective insight. I'm so emotional right now anyway, that I feel my view points are a bit skewed. I'm not sure what I should expect, and what is the correct action (should I talk to him more about it or let it go..) To explain I need to give background info on both myself and my boyfriend. First off, we met three years ago. He lives an hour and a half away so we only see each other on weekends, alternating who sees who. I'm 28, he's 31. Right now, I have returned to school and so has he so we are stuck apart until I finish college next February when I can move to where he is and wait out the rest of his college. I haven't seen him in a couple weeks now, maybe even three weeks.... we were both in finals and agreed it would be better to focus on those so had planned to see each other this weekend. About a week and a half ago, my boyfriend's birth-mother found him and made contact via a message on Facebook. He replied back and within minutes they were having a conversation. His birth mother had left him and his little sister when he was three (and sister was one), apparently tried to find him for years but was unable to. His father had moved him south and handed guardian rights to his aunt who he now calls Mom. He found out he has 5 new siblings, of which he is the oldest. Over this last week he has made wonderful strides to know this new family. He and his sister are planning to make a trip up there together fairly soon. I couldn't be happier for him, I know how much this means and I fully support him with this. I know of all people his sister understands the situation better than anyone, and expect him to turn to her for support more than me, I understand that and encourage that. I cant relate the way she can and they will both need each other as they navigate this new family. Now for me. I am divorced, have been for a few years now and found my boyfriend to be a breath of fresh air after a very bad marriage that lasted 6 months. (we were engaged 2 years first) I moved back in with my parents, and ended up assuming a care taker roll for my mother. I've taken care of her since I was little. Always playing the caregiver roll more often than the daughter roll. She's bi-polar, quite overweight, and physically incapable of doing much other than shuffle to and from the living room. She's very dependent on myself and my father. I've been working to pull away, knowing my move in February is a must to continue living as an adult and build my own family with my boyfriend. Living in this house is quite toxic, but moving out is not an option until I finish school. It plays an emotional toll on me, constant fights with my mother about something she's done to hurt herself (not been careful and tripped/fallen, ect) and constant mind games my mother plays with me, manipulating me into helping her, or staying home instead of going to some event for school... My boyfriend has kept me sane through it, but he doesn't understand what it's like entirely. He thinks weight is a pure will power thing, that emotion doesn't' have anything to do with it, ect ect.. Weight problems aren't something you can understand unless you face them yourself, I guess. Thursday, my mother broke her leg while stepping out of the shower. My world has since seemed to cave it on itself and I'm completely overwhelmed and reaching for SOME normalcy. Naturally I turn to my boyfriend but I'm finding him very distant and non-supportive. My mothers leg break means that I have to now return to full time care taker as she can't put weight on the leg for 8 weeks (so much for pulling away), and shift my school schedule from the 2 o'clock PM slot to 5PM slot. The way this school works, that will be a tough move. You stay with the same group you started with, start to finish, for 70 weeks. I'm 30 weeks in and have to leave behind everyone I know and see as family, to move time slots. The night class is a completely different make up and I am so incredibly anxious about the shift that I'm constantly anxious and depressed about it. I will have to be at school from 5pm - 12am, then wake up at 8:30 to get mom out of bed the next morning. Dad will get home around 4PM when I leave for class. Now for the question (sorry I needed to explain for this part to make any sense). My boyfriend seems very distant and nonchalant about my whole problem right now. When I told him about the leg break from the hospital, I got a lecture on how I will now have to make my mother lose weight. Once I told him I needed support not a lecture, and all I really wanted was a hug he just kinda pulled away. (he's been distant since finding his family, but I've been okay with it... now though, i need him) I've been holding onto the fact that I could see him this weekend, because its the ONLY normal thing in my life right now ... him. And I haven't seen him in weeks anyway. Then a couple days ago, after knowing how much I needed to see him, he told me he wanted to go see his sister instead. When I got upset he accused me of not being supportive which really hurt. He said he needed to see his sister, who was moving closer (2 hours away from him) and he MUST go see her this weekend. I feel like I'm getting pushed to the back-burner. After 3 years, and a lot of sacrifices on my side, (I'm picking up my life and moving TO him in February because he refuses to transfer from his university to the one nearby, ect..) I felt like I should be on his priority list, at least higher than I am right now. I wasn't asking him not to ever see his sister, I asked that he move it out a week. I feel like my world's caving in on me, and he's always been that light of sanity. When he refused and said I wasn't being supportive I backed off. Then yesterday he says "oh yeah her move didn't work as planned so I'm not going up there". I got excited and thought that meant he would come see me. Nope. Now his finals homework is suddenly a must, though it wasn't when he was going to see his sister. (He said he could get it done before he left to see her... and shes half an hour further away than I am) Now he "cant" come see me because he has the homework to do, but I could come see him if I wanted to. Am I wrong to be hurt? I want to be on his priority list. We've talked about marriage, kids, a family and future. He's asked for my grandmother's wedding ring from my parents so I know he plans to propose.. (when no clue.. but.. still) (oh, I accidentally over heard him ask, and turned quickly the other way before he knew. I did NOT want to know when he got the ring) I've always been that easy goin' girl. I let him watch sports, even try to learn about them and just laugh when his feet turn to springs during football season. Over the years we've never had a fight other than the little misunderstandings that get smoothed over quickly. But I can't let go of the feeling that he needs to be putting me first.. at least SOMETIMES. He never really makes sacrifices for me, and I'm not sure if I expect too much or not. He complains if I want to go out to dinner (I"m in the culinary field and would rather not cook every night) because he wants to "relax" and I even understand that. The one time I ask him to do something for me, because I truly need him by my side, he refuses and I can't shake the feeling this is a warning sign. I really need some insight, from both males and females. I know our minds work differently, so I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much. And I know I'm more emotional and insecure right now which is never a good combo. Help? | |||
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