| I am a university student girl, who has met some great new friends here on campus, two of which are twin girls (not identical) who live right down the hall. I've had minor girl crushes before, but I've dismissed them all to be just hormones, and my last relationship with my ex-boyfriend lasted 6 months, off once, then on again. I first met these twins through a guy friend who was in love with Twin #1, who outright rejected him. I guess you can say I sort of helped him maintain a sane mental state, all while encouraging Twin#1 that she was doing the right thing if she didn't feel anything. However, I always felt inexplicably more drawn to Twin#2, even though Twin#1 was the more social one, the extrovert, you can say. What an irony that I was the trying to be the sane one, giving sane relationship advice to these two! -_- I remember clearly, when I first met Twin#2, she had said, "People always assume I am a lesbian or bi-sexual, and I'm not sure why." A comment like that I usually wouldn't pay much attention to, but I still remember clearly when/how she said that to this day. I also remember talking with her once about bands, and she showed me a band she particularly liked, then said "The girl that showed me this band told me that she would never ever date me," which stuck to my memory like glue. It's very strange to describe how my feelings came about exactly, but I have always been very comfortable about the topic of "gay" and make lesbian jokes with other girls all the time. I can play and joke around on the topic of lesbianism with Twin#1 all day, and not have an issue, but I find myself freezing up around Twin#2 if I try. One night, I remember Twin#2 having a laugh with a friend about dating, and she unexpectedly hooks arms with me, exclaiming jokingly, "but you should know I'm already with [my name]!" which made me nearly panic, but I managed to keep my reaction smooth as possible. I've tried to distance myself from her in physical terms, but it's always hard for me when she is playing around, poking or bumping, etc. I was also at a carnival once with her, and the guy that followed us around, hitting on her made me jealous and pissed me off so much, I almost wanted to pick a fist fight right then and there. Of course, later she asked why I was so upset and I BSed a reason along the lines of, "Oh, I am just uncomfortable being there with him because I feel like an intruding 3rd wheel." One night, she told me that she has decided not to come back to college next semester because it's "not for [her]" which devastated me as soon as I found out. Not only does she live far, but I am already so confused about my feelings for her, I am not sure what I will do. The realization that I might actually lose her company forever has sent me on a rollercoaster of emotions that has involved me coming out in tears to a few people about how I might not be straight, and how I am in love with a friend who has no idea how I feel... I know that she has never had a relationship ever before, and I don't think she has ever even kissed anyone. When a guy flirts with her, she sighs and tells me "you know I'm not interested in dating." To quench my killer curiosity, had a best friend casually bring up the topic of homosexuality by stating, "Oh yeah, my dad is a homophobe. What are your views?" To my quiet dismay, she told my friend, "Well, I don't mind being friends with gay people, but I don't support homosexuality, and could never be like that with a person." In my head I soooo wanted to think that she was only saying that because my friend outright said that her dad was anti-gay, and she only wanted to "fit in" or impress my friend. I also clung to the people that told me they think that all those times she ever hit on the topic of gay (when we first met, the band, hooking arms) was just to scope out if I was. I know though, deep in my heart that this is likely not the case, and Twin#2 is straight. In the end, the thing I want the most is for Twin#2 to be happy, and do whatever makes her happy. When she is gone, she may not ever be back to where I live, plus I know even if she did accept me, I could never give her a completely normal life as a gay couple. I still communicate with her like normal, hang out like normal friends, but I am dying inside, counting down the 2 weeks I have left before summer. Her twin will be staying at university, so I don't want to come out and completely scare them both off, but I have no idea what to do with my clawing emotions. It really does kill me inside though, regardless of how good I am at hiding my emotions. Heartbreak is no stranger to me, but heartbreak over a girl is! :'( I have thought long and hard about this and I know that I am not simply confusing friendship as relationship feelings. Any tips or real-life experiences you can share to help out a girl who is losing her sanity over this? ((Sorry for the essay, lol. I'm so confused right now to the point of hating myself over this.)) | |||
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