| Not sure where to start the novel of my relationship to date....and apologies about the length of this.... Where I am at is that I feel that at being 33 years old and my wife being 29, we are wasting away the best years of our lives in an unhappy relationship with issues that we just cant seem to resolve or move on from....I don't want my marriage to end at all but am lost with how I can turn things around without both of us letting go of baggage. My wife and I met via an online dating site and dated for 3 months before I proposed to her, and then got married a further 1 year later. We have now been married for almost 1.5 years.She comes from a conservative ethnic minority family, and i come from a liberal/conservative ethinc minority. If i were to try and summarise the issues in our relationship, i would boil it down to these items: - Put simply, my wife is a person who looks at things glass half empty. There is always something she is not happy about whether it be people or things, i.e me, my family, her work colleagues, everything about how our new house has been built, or her family. She is a constant moaner and complainer and has a pessimistic view on things. Since childhood she always has been the one in her family to get angry/throw tantrums about things in an instant and ready to blame everyone else about everything, believing at all times she is right about everything and noone has the right to show or argue when she isnt. Since marriage, I dont think there has been a period of more than 7 days in a row where she has been happy with me. She believes that i am not the person i was before marriage and that therefore i have cheated her because I have changed. Changes accused are that im not nice to her anymore, im not happy with her, i dont love her, not as tolerant to her tantrums, I dont do anything for her and I dont support her. Situational and environment changes such as job change, living together, building a house, completing my Masters whilst working fulltime are irrelevant to her and she expected me to stay the same and giver her 24/7 attention. In regards to doing things for her, she said she would only want a diamond ring of 1 carat, i got this. She only would ever want to stay in 5 star hotels for traveling and she has been like this as a kid and her dad has done it for her, so for our honeymoon and 1 trip since it has all been 5 star. For long distance she said she cant fly economy so i had to do business class flights everywhere for our honeymoon. She has asked me to apply for jobs on her behalf, write cv's, apply for her masters, actually DO the Masters on her behalf (its online so i am doing all the readings, research and assignments, she hasnt even spent 20 minutes on the entire course in the last 2 months since 'she' started, im doing everything even though its Science and im an IT guy), she likes expensive clothes so i buy her that constantly, i drive us everywhere, i do the washing/drying, food preperation, cleaning, vaccuming in the house (her excuse is she gets tired from work but we both work fulltime), I hand her her meals on her plate to her and take them to clean from her. Gifts i buy mostly make her angry and i have to get vouchers. When i dont buy gifts i get told i dont care about her anymore. The fact that her personality to ME has completely changed from listening and being interested in everything I had to say before marriage, to now not caring about me or my thoughts, not respecting me, ignoring what I have to say or cutting me from speaking, and regularly being openly verbally abusive to me doesnt matter to her as she says she hasnt chagned, and if she has changed its because of things i or my family have done to her. Before marriage when she would get angry she would simply stay quiet or tell me about it in an angry but polite manner. I would constantly apologise (even when not my fault) and she would get over things. Now, her anger is expressed through yelling, swearing, verbally attacking me by calling me all sorts of things such as a lier, cheat, fat, ugly, sissy, mommas boy, pervert, gay, and tells me to go back to my parents or go f my ex or a prostitute etc. Things I did 5-10 years before we met that I shared with her in confidence are portrayed back to me with her accusing me of my bad character regardless that since we met I never did any of those things. I constantly told im a f this or f that or to f off etc etc. I have NOT ONCE in our entire relationship sworn at her or attacked her personally, yet she does this at ease and on an almost daily level. These attacks occur instantly anywhere anytime, in the middle of normal conversations. I get hurt by these attacks which she doesnt care about as says it serves me right and i have hurt her so i deserve it. Or when I try to respond to her attacks I get told im either arguing or defending myself. If i try and argue back when she is completely wrong it escalates to the point where she threatens to harm herself and is literally screaming...so I have no choice but to stay quiet (to which i then get told im just a mute). So it's because im so mentally impacted by these attacks and look sad/unhappy and am not smiling, she says that I have changed. It doesnt matter to her that I look and feel like that because of the intensity of what i get from her, and doesnt matter that I of course do smile and laugh at other times - she ignores the good times and gives blanket negative statements about me since marraige. 6 months in the marriage for 1 month she was constantly saying she wanted a divorce but never actually went and did that. Now she says that she is just waiting for me to kick her out as she feels she can tell that I hate her and hate the way she looks and all I know is how to argue and fight and I dont love her. On the 2 occasions she walked out with her bags for 2 days, she accused me of throwing her out of the house when all that happened was me trying to stand up for myself when she was accusing me for things I never did... She constantly tells me she doesnt love me, has no feelings for me and hates me and my family. When she is angry, I get 20-30 txts and emails at work from her that are 1-2 pages each all just abusing and complaining about me.... We dont really talk about anything either. When we are fine, we just talk about our house (we built it ourselves) or movies or her family. She hates talking about my job, music, current events, sports, tv shows, my family. She doesnt like any of my friends so I have only met them twice in the 1.5 years of marraige. In weekends we just go visit her family or stay home or do house shopping. She doesnt like going out for movies or drives as says we cant afford it.Even though we can actually afford to go out a little she says that we cant afford it....the reason we built a new home is because she refused to stay in a rental long term, didnt want to live in an old house that was lived in before, didnt want to live with parents, and didnt like designs of brand new already built houses..,.so i had no other choice but to build,...and because she has certain demands in how the house needs to be built, it has meant we need to make reeasonable living sacrifices to be able to afford this ....not unliveable but she looks at it as black and white and now says to me that if i couldnt afford to build why did i do that....she doesnt see that it was her who didnt want it any other way. She also wants everything in the house to be new and the house completely filled up straight away, and doesnt want any of MY old stuff in the house even though shes happy to bring her old items... Intimacy is very lacking in our relationship....maybe 1-2 times a month and its never been 'perfect' if you know what i mean. She seems to lose interest v quickly or doesnt let me go all the way. She NEVER kisses me and always turns to the side when i try to kiss her good morning/night/bye for work, likewise with hugs... The only reason she says she stays with me is because of her family and she doesnt want to upset them. Although at times she does threaten to do things such as move overseas or find other guys who will respect her or treat her like a woman etc etc. When I suggested counselling she went into a fit of rage saying why would she expose her laundry to a stranger, and why would she listen to a stranger and accused me of not knowing what to do and not being a real man. I have since been to personal counselling when thigns have been at their worst in secret, but havent really found this to be much helpful as the counsellor acknowledged it was hard to suggest anything without her involement. SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO STAY YOU ASK? - When she is happy...my heart melts....she looks like an innocent girl with cute chubby cheeks and sparkling big eyes and I just want to be with her forever and be her partner, protector and life companion. - When she is happy, she is thoughtful about me, by telling her family to give me food, or when away from me, asking about me. - I am very attched to her family and feel like they are my own blood sisters, brother, and mother/father too. - I still love and adore my wife very much - Because of my bond with my wife and her family, I feel that If i decided to end this relationhip I would never forgive myself for letting them all down. - I feel scared that my wife's life would be completely shattered without me with life longing impacts. BUT I just dont know how much more i can sustain of the ups and down and constant abuse and baggage that she just refuses to let go...im already mentally impacted so much, my personality to my loved ones has changed, to her has changed, and my work gets impacted too...however I just cant seem to bring myself to say to her that if she is so unhappy with me and her relationship that we should take a break and live apart, or seperate..... What do I do? | |||
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