| I think I am - I'm one of those people who is too "accommodating" when the other person wants something. Apparently I don't "speak up". Take for example this boat my husband bought. At first it was suppose to be a kayak or flatboat to get into the swamp behind our house, supposedly so I could take photos back there (I'm a hobbyist photographer), or at least that's how he was "selling" it to me. I said we don't need to spend that kind of money, he kept insisting when the tax refund comes in it won't be an issue. So the money comes and the next thing I know he's sending me texts and emails of boats. Then they started to become bigger boats with motors, then he wanted me to go see one with him. It had a motor on it, but it was "detachable" so I thought "ok, I can see how he could get it back in the swamp and row it". He didn't get that one, but started sending me bigger boats. It was starting to get overwhelming for me, I was tired of hearing about boats. He said there was this one really great deal for $4k. I said "I don't think we need to spend that much money" He agreed and had 2 others lined up to go look at. By this point I wasn't even paying much attention to all he was saying about them or which one was which. Next thing I know he's driving 3 hours away on a Monday (while I'm at work so I don't get to go "inspect" with him) and says he's going to look at an "awesome" boat. Good grief. I said "it's your project" I could see this was no where near what it started out to be, and I had just somehow let it roll into this. I could care less about a boat to be honest and I DID tell him that. So he texts a few hours later and says "we got a great boat" Whoopie. He gets it home and it's a 14' fishing boat with a huge motor, no way THAT is getting back in the swamp. I said "why didn't you just tell me from the start you wanted a fishing boat?" He kept insisting he got it for me - I think he actually made himself believe that so he could justify it in his mind. He spent $3k on this thing. Now, one of his big things is that he will not do anything alone ever again - he's been in those kinds of relationships, they don't work, and he won't be in one like that again, that's why he married me for our shared similar interests. So guess what, I have nothing that is "mine" in terms of hobbies or interests. If I went to take scenic photos, he had to tag along. I really didn't mind this - until he started going out on his boat while I was at work - yea, I know, sounds childish, but I started feeling like "why is it ok for him to go have a hobby of his own, but not me?" (Another "rule" of his is that we always register things we buy jointly - but he got this boat registered in his name only. Yea, I know, community property, I get that. But it's the principle, this was HIS rule) So anyway, last week he went out on the boat and made mention that he went by a lighthouse near us and that it's easy to get to. This is a lighthouse I've wanted to photograph for years but it's only accessible by boat. Ok, good and fine. Then he lets it slip that he actually went to the island and went inside the lighthouse "to scope it out". I don't know why but this really irritated me. Lighthouses are my "thing", and I was kind of ticked that he went exploring it without me. Then yesterday he gets up (off of work) and texts saying "think I'll take the boat out" Ok, I've had enough with this friggin boat. I just text back "I really don't want to hear about the d*mn boat" What was really ticking me off was that he couldn't stop and think "maybe I can wait for my wife to get home from work and we go for a ride together" Because I actually stop and think about that when he works weekends - "maybe I'll just wait til he gets home from work and we can go ride the bikes together... etc" because that's how I've been "conditioned" to think. When I got home yesterday I did tell him why I had been upset with him. And that the boat was sort of a thorn in my side because it's not the kind of boat I wanted. He said that I didn't speak up, so it was too late now. I started to think - I DON'T speak up. I let people run over me because I don't want to hurt/offend/ or make anyone mad. This has been a pattern my whole life. I felt that if I told him back when he was looking "stop looking at those type of boats" he would have gotten mad, plus I would feel like some sort of nag. Odd. So here I sit, wondering how the heck do I learn to "speak up" for myself. How do you become assertive without being a nagging bi-otch? (I do need to add that my husband is a bit on the controlling side, and he is very good at turning things around on me, making me feel as if things are MY fault all the time. He says this thing when we argue, in various forms but it's always the same meaning, about if we don't do things a certain way - his way - we'll fall apart and divorce. No matter how many times I tell him to not say things like that to me, he continues to do it in arguments. I cursed at him once during an argument, he told me never to do that again or we'd be through, no one can talk to him like that... but he curses at me when we argue. When I point that out, he apologizes, but does it again the next time) | |||
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