| Hello, We have been working on surviving my husbands affair that was disclosed March 20, 2012. This month has been very hard as it has many difficult "one year anniversarys" of their affair that I am keenly aware of. My husband has been very sincere in assuming the role of a healer but it has been very hard as talking about the affair is difficult for him and at times he would become angry and withdrawn. We have been working through my need to talk and his wish to never talk about it again. This past week we had some very long talks because my emotions were really right at the surface. I am copying my letter to him today because I was able to finally understand some important things about myself and my role in our healing process. I hope that some of what I said to him can help others struggling with moving forward. March 11, 2013 Hello Sweetheart, I have been thinking a lot about what you said to me over the past days. I hear you, I really do. I don't disagree with what you think and have been searching for ways within me to move past and forward as we both need. It hurt and disappointed me when I admitted I had not been able to forgive as completely as I had wanted. I have been working thru pieces and parts of the whole thing. I can't handle it as one simple piece. You say it feels like I am trying to punish you sometimes. In a way, that is probably true, tho not intentional. I have hung onto the couple of things that hurt me the most deeply and have had a hard time moving past those things. You are right that it feels like I have been stuck there. The part that has been the hardest for me is that I was keeping part of me shut down and detached because that is my old defense mechanism. I built walls around part of me because I was afraid of more pain and not being able to handle it. Self-preservation, but it has been damaging my ability to actually let go of the anger because I walled anger in with that part that I kept away from you and us. I was afraid to express anger anymore because I did not want you to reach your final straw and not want to deal with my emotions. Anger is such a weird emotion because it is supposed to protect us from further damage; it keeps us vigilant, aware and defensive to protect ourselves if needed. But, as long as I felt I needed to protect myself, I could not move past the pain I walled up. You know me better than I know myself often, and I could not see what I was doing because I was consumed with denying my feelings because I felt it was wrong ( I don't want to be angry with you, I love you). I read and read so I could find a way to justify my anger and withdrawal so I could feel safe, just in case something happened. I wanted to know how to move on while holding onto these feelings that justified my anger and withholding part of me. I have forgiven so many things associated with the events of our recent past. I was afraid to acknowledge the anger. That is where I was stuck. You expressed you were concerned I have no personal passions or goals, only reading about recovery. I do have goals and passions; they were just overcome and overshadowed by these other emotions. You were right, I was consumed. Ironically, I found some articles that were written by real people (not doctors) who have been involved with recovering their marriages. Thru these I could see where I was and why you feel the way you do. Their descriptions were as if we had written about our life, and these are the couples who not only stayed together but expressed so much happiness with their life after the affair because they did chose to stay together and do what it took to make a strong and fulfilling marriage. I have really looked at my feelings today and recognized these things. I asked for your patience and compassion without understanding that my own patience from me and for me was exhausted. I was so tired of denying the anger that I just walled it in and walked away from all that it was attached to and just felt the pain it caused. Hard to move past when the source is not being let go. I am sorry, I did not recognize this. Thank you for saying what you did to me and taking the time to find the words that got through to me. I guess the anniversary aspect of dates was a way for me to validate and give myself permission to feel the real pain that those dates represented to me. Instead of random days those were the days that made sense to me to acknowledge the reality and yes, perhaps make sure I was not alone in having to face the pain associated. As long as I could not move forward I wanted to know you had to acknowledge my pain too, perhaps a desire for fairness with something that seems so unfair in many ways. Please realize I DO FORGIVE YOU, and today I think I can say it is a complete forgiveness. Before it was partial, but those parts were sincere. I felt a softening in my heart today that I have not felt for a year and a half. I knew something was very wrong way back and did try to create some protection from an unseen enemy. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART, all that is me. I sent you the picture of the red rock stone so you knew that I give you my heart. I have been searching within myself the last two days and remembering what all you said to me the other day and morning. I have had to process what you said. It was difficult for me, and I also understood that you used tremendous patience and were working hard with me. Thank you, I know conversations like that are very hard for you. You really helped me and us with what you said. Now I feel like I can start moving past a lot of the sticky details that were haunting my heart and thoughts. I know I will never forget, I don't expect to. But I can't be a victim of the past or my own thoughts. I have always been a survivor, but often not healed. I have to make the choice to heal me and with that, us and you. I realize it was me that was holding us back. I used to feel that it wasn't fair for you to say you could start healing after I did. I wanted to focus on you getting past it so I did not have to be afraid of your feelings being locked up and leading us down a scary path again. Really, it was easier for me to focus on you than to face myself and my walls I had chosen to build. Avoiding getting past my pain was allowing me to be justified in holding the anger and hiding parts of me for safe keeping. I could not see this until today. I know you have tried to redirect me and out of frustration have expressed that it seems I should be more over it than I acted. There are many parts that I have dealt with and have gotten over. The last parts that I had refused to face were what I was holding onto and it is not healthy. I hope letting you know what I have realized gives you a sense of relief and a knowing that you really helped me. I never thought this would be easy, and some days I didn't think it would be as hard as it has been sometimes. I can't promise I will never have a bad day again, but I will be using a much different approach and understanding than what I have been doing. Maybe allowing the anniversary days to allow the emotions to bubble to the top has helped me to recognize this along with what you said to me. You asked if every year will the many days on the calendar cause a bad day because ____________ happened that day. No, because I don't need those days to give me permission to feel pain because I am not allowing it to stay inside me anymore. I don't need to keep going thru it, as you know I have done plenty of that this year. Thank you for your commitment and perseverance. I love you and our marriage/relationship is the single most important thing in my life. Thank you for your friendship, love, patience and determination this past year. All of my love always, Your wife | |||
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