| Long story short... been married nearly 18 years, she's 9 years older than me (I'm in my mid 40's). Were in a 400-mile apart LDR before marriage; saw each other every 2-3 weeks, lots of sex/intimacy. Post-marriage, complete reversal (bait and switch)? But I am apparently HD, she not so much. Still, it happened at least once or twice a month. Wife unexpectedly loses her job in Dec 2009, doesn't find a full-time job until June 2012 (financial strain). In July 2010, her cousin (also an only child, 4 years older than her, they were like brother and sister) commits suicide after losing both his parents to cancer and his 2nd marriage falls apart. This was another huge blow. I should add that the job loss for her was a recurring thing (usually not her fault: company closing, reorg, numbers game), but this was by far the longest time off work (meanwhile, I've been continuously employed for 20+ years). I've been supportive when she has lost these jobs and she always showed diligence in searching for a new job, but this time she sat back for months and had to be "prodded" to look for something. I had some job stressors of my own (long-term employer going out of business, sold assets a year ago, I parachuted into a new job immediately only for it to become a house of horrors, IT sweat shop, working night and day with no break/vacation/let up. Bailed in December, new new job is much, much better). My wife has withdrawn from our marriage. Last intimacy we had was in October of 2010. She has withdrawn to the point that there is no contact of any kind between us. I've tried discussing this with her but she just kind of shuts down. Says she has no desire. This puzzles the heck out of me... She's "had a very good time" every time we've had intimacy (things have, um, happened, that never happened with anyone else, and I totally believe this). Try different things to keep the acts from going stale. Asked her to talk to her doctor during yearly physical, she "forgot". 6 months later she goes back, he checks her testosterone levels, low, prescibes topical cream, which she fills, and never ever uses/"I don't know how to use this". So no real desire on her part to fix this. Ask her if she's depressed, she denied it. She is post-menopausal but the issue certainly isn't related to dryness/lubrication. I start researching. Read 5 love languages (I'm touch and acts of service), Married Man Sex Primer (have some beta traits, quickly work to improve). Nada. Start the 180 (stop doing things for her, don't beg for or even ask for sex). I never knew it was possible to be married and feel so lonely. I miss sex, sure, but I miss the intimacy, the touch, the feeling that I am loved, and the feeling of loving someone with all your heart and soul. My feelings of love for my spouse have definitely diminished. I have never cheated, that's not who I am. For financial reasons (we own a house together, have some debts piled up during her long unemployment), plus 2 elderly dogs (which provide me with the only "affection" I get these days :-( I can't leave. But I am so lonely and desperate for touch... (even a hug, a kiss)... I know I sound beta here, I don't let this show but need an outlet. Counseling? Sure, I'd love to go. Can't afford to pay it right now (one of my dogs got very sick, racked up a $4k vet bill I don't know how I'm going to pay). Not sure she'd go. I just try to get through each day... thank goodness for my dogs, as long as they're still around. They are my world. Oh, should also mention... she has been on Effexor for slight depression post-cardiac surgery in 1999. I think she has some depression/other issues going on - some driving errors/getting lost (admittedly in a strange city) and calling me yelling and screaming so bad I thought something had happened to her or her mom... "forgetting" who a friend is. But she has been much, much better recently, making me second-guess my thoughts that something's wrong (until today's episode of losing her car keys, again). I mentioned to her once that I thought she had self-esteem issues, and she blew up at me. Again, since the job change, we've been going to bed earlier, getting more sleep, and she's been good, but then this key business... aaargh. "IT Sweat Shop" employer had an EAP which I never ever had time to use (since I worked most of my waking hours). New one is a smaller, family-owned business with much fewer options. I know there's a lot here, just wondering if anyone has any advice or suggestions. I admit to sometimes daydreaming of being with someone, a true life partner, who loves me and whom I love. I hate living in this dream world, but it's all I can do to try to keep some hope and sanity... | |||
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