I'm of mixed rice - my grandfather on my fathers side was from South Africa. This has never been an issue, until I met my in-laws...
I met my then boyfriend 5 years ago. Everything was wonderful - we had a fantastic few months together and quickly started to fall in love. He then told his mum he was dating when he next visited her, and showed her a photo of me. His mother was aghast, as although I am only slightly coloured - I wasn't "pure white". She told my boyfriend she could never accept me for this fact. He obviously didn't tell me this at that point...
I first realised something was up when she refused to meet me, despite us trying to arrange something several times. She would phone my boyfriend when I was there, crying hysterically saying he was being unfair and making her ill, as it was against her "Christian beliefs" to accept me. I had to sit in his flat, listening to him on the phone - as hard as I tried not to - trying to rationalise to his mother that my skin colour didn't matter. I never let my emotions get the better of me, despite the fact I felt utterly worthless because of what she was saying - but even moreso that my boyfriend didn't stand up to her and tell her to get lost and hang up on her.
When we met - she was pleasant enough, but I knew what she had said and her thoughts about me. Still, I was polite and made an effort. It wasn't as bad as I thought and on the surface, it all seemed fine.
A few weeks later, we visited some other family members. One auntie told us whilst I was sitting there that this was something new for them, and we would need to give them time to "adjust and get used to it". Again, I felt worthless - "get used to it" - so, me. Simply because of my skin colour...
We then went to his parents house to stay. Shortly after we arrived that day, his mother blurted out during dinner that she thought it was wrong us being together - I was coloured, he was white - we shouldn't be together. It was unnatural, it was not the way God intended it. What a dreadful mistake we were making of our lives... She then said I should be serving the food - not eating with them!!! At this point, I lost it - I called her a vindictive, nasty evil person. She seemed aghast and said I was rude for saying such things. Her husband couldn't believe the "audacity" of me, and asked me to leave. We both left.
The calls continued - she seemed to call several times each night, in tears pleading for my boyfriend to split up with me. Now, I should have left there and then - what normal person would continue to put up with this nonsense from a parent, knowing how worthless it made their partner feel?
It continued - and I reached a point where I told him I was leaving. He begged me not to, and I told him he either put a stop to this racist abuse from his family, or I wasn't staying around. He gave them an ultimatum - either keep their opinions to themselves, or don't contact us ever again. All seemed fine for the next year or so. Obviously things were difficult, but there was no more airing of views.
That is - until we became engaged. His mother reacted with tears when we told her when she visited us in our flat. She cried the whole time. Requested we take down our cards we had received congratulating us from our friends as it "upset her to look at them." I was heartbroken when I came back from the shops to find my now fiance had taken all our cards down and put them in a drawer...
Again, we struggled on. She attended our wedding, after much "thought and prayer", some other members of his family did too, but the majority stayed away as they "didn't agree with it".
A few months after the wedding we went to stay at his parents home. They have a rule about unmarried couples not sleeping together, and so we had always slept in separate rooms before. This time, however - we were married. Well, not according to his mother. She refused to let us sleep in the same room - she said in her eyes, we would never be married. Again, I couldn't take it - I told my husband that if she didn't agree to let us sleep in the same room, then she couldn't be part of our lives anymore. He did that - but she said I was "controlling" him.
This continued for several months, the phone calls started up again - her crying, my husband attempting to "soothe" her on the phone. By now I was furious - I would disconnect the phone after hearing 20 times that "it doesn't matter about her skin colour..." I was so angry at my husband for playing to her ridiculous nonsense.
We eventually split. I ended up quite unwell due to the whole incident. I was diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants. Prior to that, I attempted to take my life. I purchased a large amount of pills and took them all. The whole incident had made me not like myself, and I couldn't cope with the confusion it had caused. I was only saved as the flat below me went on fire and the fireman had burst into my flat. Still, I got help and started to make a good recovery.
I decided to give my husband a call as, despite everything, I still loved him. He told me he had started dating someone else, and I respected that. A few days later, he emailed me saying he couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted to try and work things out. We exchanged emails over the next few weeks, and I poured my heart out, telling him how desperate and upset I felt, how humiliated I felt. I told him about my depression, how I had attempted to take my life. All the time I thought it was he and I talking - only a month or so later, he told me he had been reading these emails with the girl he had been dating. I felt crushed.
We decided to work things out. My husband ended his "dating" with this girl. We decided to go to counselling, as my husband told me I was "controlling". I had made things difficult between him and his family - I had made him lose the great relationship they all once had. It was all my fault. We went to counselling, and the counsellor saw it a completely different way. My husband then insisted we go to another counsellor, as he was wrong. Again, this counsellor said my husband should have cut all contact with his family completely. He said he was also wrong, and we wouldn't go back to counselling.
Despite this, things were good between us. Then his entire family decided to shun me. They all made it perfectly clear I wasn't welcome in any of their homes because of the trouble I had caused! Apparently it was my fault that his mother no longer had a close relationship with her son. Wedding invites, birthday invites...all solely addressed to my husband. Then both my parents died in a car crash - and it wasn't acknowledged by any member of his family. I was obviously devastated, but I had to continue. Then it came to Christmas and the entire family were having a get together. The invite arrived for my husband, with no mention of me. He had the nerve to ask me if I would mind if he went on his own...!
I was absolutely crushed. Both my parents had died, I was an only child...and here was my husband, actually asking if he could leave me on my own so he could spend Christmas with his family - the family who had behaved so appallingly towards me. I ripped up the invite and went to stay in a hotel for a few days. I can't articulate how crushed I was he would consider that.
When I returned home, my husband told me our marrige was over due to my "controlling" and "emotional abuse" that i had subjected him to. I was absolutely stunned. He became horrible - calling me ugly, called me fat - said I was worthless and told me to "go back to where you came from." Things obviously went downhill very quickly, and we are now separated - for good this time.
The thing is - he's told all of his friends and colleagues that I was emotionally abusive and tried to control him and cut off his family. They obviously believe this, and I have been painted to be some psychotic crazy woman who has been horrid to my husband since we met. None of his friends or colleagues know about the way they treated me as he didn't want them to find out what his mum and other family members had been saying. When I attempted to tell the truth - he said I was lying, and that I was so manipulative I would resort to that.
I am now left so devastated and upset that the man I thought would look after me has hurt me so much. But moreso - I'm so angry. I'm absolutely furious that he and his family are getting away with this. I'm so angry at myself for putting up with it. I can't believe how stupid I was - whilst I type this it seems absolutely ridiculous. But I can't help but question - was I emotionally abusive? Was I controlling? Should I just have accepted it, and continued to turn a blind eye to it, and just suppress my feelings?
Sorry for the long post! :-)
Sarah
I met my then boyfriend 5 years ago. Everything was wonderful - we had a fantastic few months together and quickly started to fall in love. He then told his mum he was dating when he next visited her, and showed her a photo of me. His mother was aghast, as although I am only slightly coloured - I wasn't "pure white". She told my boyfriend she could never accept me for this fact. He obviously didn't tell me this at that point...
I first realised something was up when she refused to meet me, despite us trying to arrange something several times. She would phone my boyfriend when I was there, crying hysterically saying he was being unfair and making her ill, as it was against her "Christian beliefs" to accept me. I had to sit in his flat, listening to him on the phone - as hard as I tried not to - trying to rationalise to his mother that my skin colour didn't matter. I never let my emotions get the better of me, despite the fact I felt utterly worthless because of what she was saying - but even moreso that my boyfriend didn't stand up to her and tell her to get lost and hang up on her.
When we met - she was pleasant enough, but I knew what she had said and her thoughts about me. Still, I was polite and made an effort. It wasn't as bad as I thought and on the surface, it all seemed fine.
A few weeks later, we visited some other family members. One auntie told us whilst I was sitting there that this was something new for them, and we would need to give them time to "adjust and get used to it". Again, I felt worthless - "get used to it" - so, me. Simply because of my skin colour...
We then went to his parents house to stay. Shortly after we arrived that day, his mother blurted out during dinner that she thought it was wrong us being together - I was coloured, he was white - we shouldn't be together. It was unnatural, it was not the way God intended it. What a dreadful mistake we were making of our lives... She then said I should be serving the food - not eating with them!!! At this point, I lost it - I called her a vindictive, nasty evil person. She seemed aghast and said I was rude for saying such things. Her husband couldn't believe the "audacity" of me, and asked me to leave. We both left.
The calls continued - she seemed to call several times each night, in tears pleading for my boyfriend to split up with me. Now, I should have left there and then - what normal person would continue to put up with this nonsense from a parent, knowing how worthless it made their partner feel?
It continued - and I reached a point where I told him I was leaving. He begged me not to, and I told him he either put a stop to this racist abuse from his family, or I wasn't staying around. He gave them an ultimatum - either keep their opinions to themselves, or don't contact us ever again. All seemed fine for the next year or so. Obviously things were difficult, but there was no more airing of views.
That is - until we became engaged. His mother reacted with tears when we told her when she visited us in our flat. She cried the whole time. Requested we take down our cards we had received congratulating us from our friends as it "upset her to look at them." I was heartbroken when I came back from the shops to find my now fiance had taken all our cards down and put them in a drawer...
Again, we struggled on. She attended our wedding, after much "thought and prayer", some other members of his family did too, but the majority stayed away as they "didn't agree with it".
A few months after the wedding we went to stay at his parents home. They have a rule about unmarried couples not sleeping together, and so we had always slept in separate rooms before. This time, however - we were married. Well, not according to his mother. She refused to let us sleep in the same room - she said in her eyes, we would never be married. Again, I couldn't take it - I told my husband that if she didn't agree to let us sleep in the same room, then she couldn't be part of our lives anymore. He did that - but she said I was "controlling" him.
This continued for several months, the phone calls started up again - her crying, my husband attempting to "soothe" her on the phone. By now I was furious - I would disconnect the phone after hearing 20 times that "it doesn't matter about her skin colour..." I was so angry at my husband for playing to her ridiculous nonsense.
We eventually split. I ended up quite unwell due to the whole incident. I was diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants. Prior to that, I attempted to take my life. I purchased a large amount of pills and took them all. The whole incident had made me not like myself, and I couldn't cope with the confusion it had caused. I was only saved as the flat below me went on fire and the fireman had burst into my flat. Still, I got help and started to make a good recovery.
I decided to give my husband a call as, despite everything, I still loved him. He told me he had started dating someone else, and I respected that. A few days later, he emailed me saying he couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted to try and work things out. We exchanged emails over the next few weeks, and I poured my heart out, telling him how desperate and upset I felt, how humiliated I felt. I told him about my depression, how I had attempted to take my life. All the time I thought it was he and I talking - only a month or so later, he told me he had been reading these emails with the girl he had been dating. I felt crushed.
We decided to work things out. My husband ended his "dating" with this girl. We decided to go to counselling, as my husband told me I was "controlling". I had made things difficult between him and his family - I had made him lose the great relationship they all once had. It was all my fault. We went to counselling, and the counsellor saw it a completely different way. My husband then insisted we go to another counsellor, as he was wrong. Again, this counsellor said my husband should have cut all contact with his family completely. He said he was also wrong, and we wouldn't go back to counselling.
Despite this, things were good between us. Then his entire family decided to shun me. They all made it perfectly clear I wasn't welcome in any of their homes because of the trouble I had caused! Apparently it was my fault that his mother no longer had a close relationship with her son. Wedding invites, birthday invites...all solely addressed to my husband. Then both my parents died in a car crash - and it wasn't acknowledged by any member of his family. I was obviously devastated, but I had to continue. Then it came to Christmas and the entire family were having a get together. The invite arrived for my husband, with no mention of me. He had the nerve to ask me if I would mind if he went on his own...!
I was absolutely crushed. Both my parents had died, I was an only child...and here was my husband, actually asking if he could leave me on my own so he could spend Christmas with his family - the family who had behaved so appallingly towards me. I ripped up the invite and went to stay in a hotel for a few days. I can't articulate how crushed I was he would consider that.
When I returned home, my husband told me our marrige was over due to my "controlling" and "emotional abuse" that i had subjected him to. I was absolutely stunned. He became horrible - calling me ugly, called me fat - said I was worthless and told me to "go back to where you came from." Things obviously went downhill very quickly, and we are now separated - for good this time.
The thing is - he's told all of his friends and colleagues that I was emotionally abusive and tried to control him and cut off his family. They obviously believe this, and I have been painted to be some psychotic crazy woman who has been horrid to my husband since we met. None of his friends or colleagues know about the way they treated me as he didn't want them to find out what his mum and other family members had been saying. When I attempted to tell the truth - he said I was lying, and that I was so manipulative I would resort to that.
I am now left so devastated and upset that the man I thought would look after me has hurt me so much. But moreso - I'm so angry. I'm absolutely furious that he and his family are getting away with this. I'm so angry at myself for putting up with it. I can't believe how stupid I was - whilst I type this it seems absolutely ridiculous. But I can't help but question - was I emotionally abusive? Was I controlling? Should I just have accepted it, and continued to turn a blind eye to it, and just suppress my feelings?
Sorry for the long post! :-)
Sarah
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