Hi everyone. This is my first post here and I'm hoping you can give me perspective on something that has been troubling to me. While I've had long-term, serious relationships, I've never married. I actually rejected a marriage proposal b/c I didn't believe I was mature enough for marriage and I didn't think marriage was right for that relationship. I was recently told, by someone who has been married and divorced 3x, and is currently single, that I don't know anything about commitment.
How can someone who has broken a commitment three times claim superiority on this topic? I don't think ANYONE is superior - I believe that the decisions to marry those 3 people were not made lightly, nor the decisions to end those marriages. He believes all of those marriages were mistakes - it isn't like he remained committed and his wives left him. He was a willing participant in all three divorces.
I'm in my early 40s and my relationships have not been casual flings. I lived with one person for years and I know that isn't the same thing as marriage, but I was traumatized when that relationship ended. I had to understand enough about commitment to make a decision NOT to marry the wrong person and to have enough self-awareness to realize I wasn't ready for marriage. I didn't enter a holy sacrament in my relationships but I was committed during the time I was with those people, just like my friend was committed to his wives during the time he was married to them AND he felt enough of a sense of commitment to propose marriage in the first place. In the end, though, those proposals turned out to be misplaced - he was unable to remain committed. (I am not criticizing that at all - I don't think his relationship history makes him any more flawed than me or anyone else, it is just the path he has taken. He's a wonderful person and I hate that he's had so much pain in his p ast.)
Just b/c he FELT "til death do us part" committed to people in his past and I have not doesn't make him an expert in commitment and it doesn't make me clueless. We've had different experiences with commitment, that's all. I was really hurt by his comments b/c I take some pride in the fact that I didn't just get married when everyone thought I should b/c that's what society expects etc. I am a deeply spiritual person and I take the sacrament of marriage very seriously and I know it isn't just about who you pick, it is primarily about my own character and my own capacity and I knew my limits. I come from a family in which there were no marriage role models frankly, so I think the road to maturing in this area is a bit longer for me. Maybe if more people had that kind of self-awareness, there would be fewer divorces.
I recently read an article about a couple who has been married for 82 years. They are both over 100 years old. I think THEY are in a position to lecture the rest of us about commitment and I would gladly listen.
Anyway, I just want to put this out there and get some perspective. I do not mean any offense to ANYONE, regardless of your relationship history. I'm just very troubled by his comments and I feel very insulted about my own history.
How can someone who has broken a commitment three times claim superiority on this topic? I don't think ANYONE is superior - I believe that the decisions to marry those 3 people were not made lightly, nor the decisions to end those marriages. He believes all of those marriages were mistakes - it isn't like he remained committed and his wives left him. He was a willing participant in all three divorces.
I'm in my early 40s and my relationships have not been casual flings. I lived with one person for years and I know that isn't the same thing as marriage, but I was traumatized when that relationship ended. I had to understand enough about commitment to make a decision NOT to marry the wrong person and to have enough self-awareness to realize I wasn't ready for marriage. I didn't enter a holy sacrament in my relationships but I was committed during the time I was with those people, just like my friend was committed to his wives during the time he was married to them AND he felt enough of a sense of commitment to propose marriage in the first place. In the end, though, those proposals turned out to be misplaced - he was unable to remain committed. (I am not criticizing that at all - I don't think his relationship history makes him any more flawed than me or anyone else, it is just the path he has taken. He's a wonderful person and I hate that he's had so much pain in his p ast.)
Just b/c he FELT "til death do us part" committed to people in his past and I have not doesn't make him an expert in commitment and it doesn't make me clueless. We've had different experiences with commitment, that's all. I was really hurt by his comments b/c I take some pride in the fact that I didn't just get married when everyone thought I should b/c that's what society expects etc. I am a deeply spiritual person and I take the sacrament of marriage very seriously and I know it isn't just about who you pick, it is primarily about my own character and my own capacity and I knew my limits. I come from a family in which there were no marriage role models frankly, so I think the road to maturing in this area is a bit longer for me. Maybe if more people had that kind of self-awareness, there would be fewer divorces.
I recently read an article about a couple who has been married for 82 years. They are both over 100 years old. I think THEY are in a position to lecture the rest of us about commitment and I would gladly listen.
Anyway, I just want to put this out there and get some perspective. I do not mean any offense to ANYONE, regardless of your relationship history. I'm just very troubled by his comments and I feel very insulted about my own history.
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