I want to leave my husband as I see no other way out

I've been married for 23 years, we are both in our late 40's with two teenagers. One has gone to college the other will be leaving soon, both will be in other countries far from where we reside now. Our marriage has always had ups and downs primarily because of my husband's drinking but we managed to get through them because I didn't want my kids to suffer from a broken home (my own experience as a child). For the most part they have been sheltered from the drama and for at least 6-7 years in the middle things were good as he stopped drinking. We have moved a lot with his job and I have sacrificed my career for the kids, for his career twice. The last move (5 years ago) was very painful for me especially when he knew but pursued his career, his travelling and partying without a care or thought for me, I had little say in the decision either, it was all about him, his future, his ego, his depression. I was broken at the last move, and went into a depression. He wasn't there for me at all and got angry the day he decided I should go and see a doctor. There are so many instances of his lack of care or compassion, it pains me to write them now. My heart is filled with so much pain and resentment. I struggled on because I wanted to be there for the kids. There have been many episodes in our marriage precipitated by drinking, and some not. When my last kid was born (16 years ago) we separated and he slept with someone else but with the help of my church and my willingness to make it work, I forgave him and moved on and it worked. (It is true it only takes one person to turn things around). However, now as I am older (hitting menopause too) and I look back on my life and all I have given up I am very resentful. I am angry about all of the mistreatment, the being taken for granted, the sharp words, the thoughtlessness, and the sometimes cruel words, the drinking, the emotional abuse. In the past his mother has interfered and she is always first in the decision making, we only really became a couple when we left her country and moved elsewhere. His brother has been unkind to me and he didn't stand up for me. There are just so many times and ways he has let me down over the years. I am to blame in many ways as I allowed it to happen, if I try to raise my voice to air the issue I was put down because I was being angry! The only thing I will say in his favour is that he is an excellent provider. If money could buy the intangible things in life, well. I wouldn't mind if he cared for me or showed me some interest, but everything is about him, for him. Occasionally he can be and will say he loves me, but to me words mean nothing, only actions. He went through a few months, bought flowers, was nice to me, etc. But now it is back to the status quo. We went to a marriage course and he saw all the problems but made me feel bad and said that it was a disaster digging up all the issues. Later he said he himself needed counselling because he needed to change and forgive me for my anger. He will not admit that my anger stems from the years of emotional abuse. I am not a weak woman and will retaliate. Maybe I do not do it the best way or communicate the best way. He has recently on many occasions acted so self-righteously about how he is getting help (as he started seeing his counselor) and changing but I have done nothing. I just want to leave and get away from him. He says I blame him for everything. He doesn't listen to me at all, it is like trying to talk to a wall. He goes on the defensive, denies, minimizes, etc. I have joined Al-Anon to see if I can just heal from the damage he has done and get myself to a place I can move on. Although sitting listening to peoples sharing makes me sadder right now.
Sometimes I think I want the marriage to work (I never thought I would be in this position) but what is the point of trying to deal with someone who makes it all about him, lords it over you and twists everything around and refuses to acknowledge the amount of emotional damage his actions have caused. Dont tell me to leave the past in the past and be kind and good to him, I cannot. I am glad when he goes overseas now as I dont have to see him at all and many times i just dont bother answering his texts or calls. I am done with the putting up and shutting up. He says that he is in a good place right now as the counselling has helped him deal with issues from his past. However, my heart is broken and I don't want to let him hurt me anymore. So I can see no other way out but to leave. That terrifies me, although I know I could make it on my own as I am well educated and can work and be financially self- sufficient, it breaks my heart thinking of the overall consequences on our family unit.

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