Hi there
I'd so appreciate some thoughts on a really tough situation with my husband's family.
We have been married for 3 years and are 100% happy and in love. My husband has 2 children from his first marriage and got married really young (20) and now has 2 grown up kids.
We met five years ago when he had been divorced for a couple of years and it was actually his ex who wanted the divorce, as unknown to my husband, she was having an affair with the son of one of their mutual friends! So my husband didn't leave her on anything like that.
When we met, it was instant love. We came from very different backgrounds - both religion, even though neither of us are religious and I grew up and lived in London and he came from a village in the country.
My husband embraced all the different things I did, as I did with him; I never saw myself living outside London but was open minded and we now live in the countryside, which we love.
Everything was fine with all his family until we got married. A year ago, we went to a family wedding. His father booked the hotel for everyone and it wasn't cheap. The hotel gave my husband and I the wrong category room and it was disgusting. We complained to the hotel, not to any family and bizarrely, his father took offence that we complained, even though they had no hot water in their room, either! When we all drove home together, his mother then proceeded to tell me that he is now different and that sometimes it 'is him talking and sometimes it's not him, it's me' and implied he doesn't have a mind of his own or is influenced.
We were shocked and my mother was also in the car and nobody knew what to say. Since then, his parents have done a number of things that have hurt my husband: organising Christmas dinner with my husband's brother without even telling us, not calling him on his birthday despite us buying his mother an amazing birthday gift the month before, which she loved at the time, having an anniversary dinner and posting it on Facebook without inviting us, claiming that I don't celebrate anniversaries, which we always do and always celebrate anyone's big days in their life!
So wind forwards to tonight: his son borrowed some money from him a couple of months ago (but he is in full time employment) for his car insurance. He was meant to pay my husband back this month and now says he can't, only when my husband asked if he will be paying anything back. He then became confrontational on text, saying that if my husband doesn't stop behaving like this, he will lose all his family and that he knows the real person and not this person he has become!!!
My husband doesn't ask me what to do do or say to his family, he's a really strong, independent-minded man and if anything, puts me in my place if I'm wrong, no the other way round! I have tended to stay out of family arguments and have tried to remain neutral - I've never criticised his parents, but they will come to our house and make insulting comments about our home, plants needing watering, really minor things, but his mum makes comments nonetheless, which I haven't responded to, out of respect for the fact she is his mum.
So when I saw some awful messages from my husband's son tonight, threatening him with 'losing all his family' I was so angry. I texted his son and said he shouldn't speak to his father like this and should show him more respect, to which I was told that 'well you've got what you want now!'
Bearing in mind I often defended his son and some of his actions, I was shocked and upset. His kids and parents have always been welcomed and we had his daughter with us at Christmas - his son chose to spend it with his girlfriend of 4 months and came to see us 4 days after Xmas, asking us to 'recreate Christmas' for him!!
So I don't know what to do. I've remained neutral to all of this, apart from texting his son tonight, as I feel he is constantly being attacked by his family.
My husband said this has been the case for 20 years and he just used to say nothing, as they would bully him if he challenged anything and always put himself last - it was always about his wife and kids and parents and he basically came last, with nobody backing him up or really caring about him.
He's also done really well with work and started his own business 7 years ago, which over the last 2 years has done really well and it really feels like they are just resentful of his success and that we are enjoying life together.
What on earth can I do to help this situation? Or can I? Do we leave them to it, if this is how they feel? The relationship has broken down with his parents as the last time we saw them to try to resolve this, his father attacked me to the point of reducing me to tears, because I defended my husband.
I'm so sad by all of this, I want him to have a good relationship with his family and kids and always support their perspective and try to be a friend, as I'm not their mum, but his son has really hurt both my husband and me tonight and it seems like they are in a gang and we are being constantly attacked.
Please help!
Sincerely, BlueskyUK
I'd so appreciate some thoughts on a really tough situation with my husband's family.
We have been married for 3 years and are 100% happy and in love. My husband has 2 children from his first marriage and got married really young (20) and now has 2 grown up kids.
We met five years ago when he had been divorced for a couple of years and it was actually his ex who wanted the divorce, as unknown to my husband, she was having an affair with the son of one of their mutual friends! So my husband didn't leave her on anything like that.
When we met, it was instant love. We came from very different backgrounds - both religion, even though neither of us are religious and I grew up and lived in London and he came from a village in the country.
My husband embraced all the different things I did, as I did with him; I never saw myself living outside London but was open minded and we now live in the countryside, which we love.
Everything was fine with all his family until we got married. A year ago, we went to a family wedding. His father booked the hotel for everyone and it wasn't cheap. The hotel gave my husband and I the wrong category room and it was disgusting. We complained to the hotel, not to any family and bizarrely, his father took offence that we complained, even though they had no hot water in their room, either! When we all drove home together, his mother then proceeded to tell me that he is now different and that sometimes it 'is him talking and sometimes it's not him, it's me' and implied he doesn't have a mind of his own or is influenced.
We were shocked and my mother was also in the car and nobody knew what to say. Since then, his parents have done a number of things that have hurt my husband: organising Christmas dinner with my husband's brother without even telling us, not calling him on his birthday despite us buying his mother an amazing birthday gift the month before, which she loved at the time, having an anniversary dinner and posting it on Facebook without inviting us, claiming that I don't celebrate anniversaries, which we always do and always celebrate anyone's big days in their life!
So wind forwards to tonight: his son borrowed some money from him a couple of months ago (but he is in full time employment) for his car insurance. He was meant to pay my husband back this month and now says he can't, only when my husband asked if he will be paying anything back. He then became confrontational on text, saying that if my husband doesn't stop behaving like this, he will lose all his family and that he knows the real person and not this person he has become!!!
My husband doesn't ask me what to do do or say to his family, he's a really strong, independent-minded man and if anything, puts me in my place if I'm wrong, no the other way round! I have tended to stay out of family arguments and have tried to remain neutral - I've never criticised his parents, but they will come to our house and make insulting comments about our home, plants needing watering, really minor things, but his mum makes comments nonetheless, which I haven't responded to, out of respect for the fact she is his mum.
So when I saw some awful messages from my husband's son tonight, threatening him with 'losing all his family' I was so angry. I texted his son and said he shouldn't speak to his father like this and should show him more respect, to which I was told that 'well you've got what you want now!'
Bearing in mind I often defended his son and some of his actions, I was shocked and upset. His kids and parents have always been welcomed and we had his daughter with us at Christmas - his son chose to spend it with his girlfriend of 4 months and came to see us 4 days after Xmas, asking us to 'recreate Christmas' for him!!
So I don't know what to do. I've remained neutral to all of this, apart from texting his son tonight, as I feel he is constantly being attacked by his family.
My husband said this has been the case for 20 years and he just used to say nothing, as they would bully him if he challenged anything and always put himself last - it was always about his wife and kids and parents and he basically came last, with nobody backing him up or really caring about him.
He's also done really well with work and started his own business 7 years ago, which over the last 2 years has done really well and it really feels like they are just resentful of his success and that we are enjoying life together.
What on earth can I do to help this situation? Or can I? Do we leave them to it, if this is how they feel? The relationship has broken down with his parents as the last time we saw them to try to resolve this, his father attacked me to the point of reducing me to tears, because I defended my husband.
I'm so sad by all of this, I want him to have a good relationship with his family and kids and always support their perspective and try to be a friend, as I'm not their mum, but his son has really hurt both my husband and me tonight and it seems like they are in a gang and we are being constantly attacked.
Please help!
Sincerely, BlueskyUK
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