Hi; thanks so much for taking the time to read my question here regarding my husband and his three kids (ages 18, 16 and 12).
We've been married 2 and a half years; I have three smaller children also and no kids of our own. My relationship over the past nearly four years total has been both good and bad and there have been rocky times with his kids...their ages should attest to that. What hasn't helped, however, is my husband and his behavior towards me throughout. He does not present a united front with me and will openly undermine me in front of them, as well as through passivity make problems worse with his kids. He even has advertised when his teenaged daughter comes to him in a confrontational mood about something that he is just the poor guy stuck in the middle and please don't get mad at him...yes. He'll admit these things too.
But even with him being the real problem and not his kids, things have been steadily improving with them and the last few get- togethers have been real nice.
This past week he told me that he wants to go and visit the kids' and his grandpa four hours' north of us. He has Alzeimers and we want to visit him when we can. I thought that this is a great opportunity to not only get closer with him and his kids while mine are with their dad, but spend quality time with grandpa. Well, that was until I realized that, with the way he was talking, I was not invited. I WAS NOT INVITED. It was him and his kids. When I told him that this pattern of doing things with just him and his kids on his own (and this has happened frequently with my being a good sport about it) doesn't give me a chance to develop a good relationship with his kids, AND it propagates the thought that I don't have to be included and can be dropped from the family manifest at will, he minimized it.
He said, 'don't you think that it will make everyone uncomfortable?' I asked what do you mean by this? Do you mean that you would rather have a good time on your own without including me and he blew that off, saying that he meant that it wouldn't be comfortable in the car...we have a 2016 VW Passat and a Nissan Murano. He is not backing down, getting beligerant about it and implying I don't care about the kids' comfort in the back. I said its only for four hours (besides, he isn't even mentioning how I could trail him in the other car if its THAT big of a deal).
Regardless, there are two things at issue here and both are bad for me and make me feel unimportant and terrible...1 is that I am not a priority and if anything he should have advertised to me and to them that I am an automatic invite, it shouldn't even be an issue and 2 that even with me showing my hurt to him that he is sticking to his guns and seems to care about 4 hours sitting tighter in a car than my inclusion and a chance at continuing to improve my relationship with my stepchildren.
Do I have a cause to be hurt and feeling marginalized?
Thanks so much for answering!
We've been married 2 and a half years; I have three smaller children also and no kids of our own. My relationship over the past nearly four years total has been both good and bad and there have been rocky times with his kids...their ages should attest to that. What hasn't helped, however, is my husband and his behavior towards me throughout. He does not present a united front with me and will openly undermine me in front of them, as well as through passivity make problems worse with his kids. He even has advertised when his teenaged daughter comes to him in a confrontational mood about something that he is just the poor guy stuck in the middle and please don't get mad at him...yes. He'll admit these things too.
But even with him being the real problem and not his kids, things have been steadily improving with them and the last few get- togethers have been real nice.
This past week he told me that he wants to go and visit the kids' and his grandpa four hours' north of us. He has Alzeimers and we want to visit him when we can. I thought that this is a great opportunity to not only get closer with him and his kids while mine are with their dad, but spend quality time with grandpa. Well, that was until I realized that, with the way he was talking, I was not invited. I WAS NOT INVITED. It was him and his kids. When I told him that this pattern of doing things with just him and his kids on his own (and this has happened frequently with my being a good sport about it) doesn't give me a chance to develop a good relationship with his kids, AND it propagates the thought that I don't have to be included and can be dropped from the family manifest at will, he minimized it.
He said, 'don't you think that it will make everyone uncomfortable?' I asked what do you mean by this? Do you mean that you would rather have a good time on your own without including me and he blew that off, saying that he meant that it wouldn't be comfortable in the car...we have a 2016 VW Passat and a Nissan Murano. He is not backing down, getting beligerant about it and implying I don't care about the kids' comfort in the back. I said its only for four hours (besides, he isn't even mentioning how I could trail him in the other car if its THAT big of a deal).
Regardless, there are two things at issue here and both are bad for me and make me feel unimportant and terrible...1 is that I am not a priority and if anything he should have advertised to me and to them that I am an automatic invite, it shouldn't even be an issue and 2 that even with me showing my hurt to him that he is sticking to his guns and seems to care about 4 hours sitting tighter in a car than my inclusion and a chance at continuing to improve my relationship with my stepchildren.
Do I have a cause to be hurt and feeling marginalized?
Thanks so much for answering!
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