Long story short, I come from a back ground of abandonment by family and pretty much everyone I have ever been close to, I picked up love and drug addiction to suppress the pain of my childhood abuses so I have spent my life running from anything solid or healthy. I jumped from relationship to relationship, have moved 33 times, and have had mulitple jobs, never staying anywhere or with anyone for more than a year and a half. I have never witnessed a healthy lasting relationship except for two couples in the last 3 years. After I went through my divorce all the emotional pain came out and I have been healing all of this really old stuff for the last 5 years, I am now 37 and it seems just starting to get to where I would like to be.
Fast forward, I met my SO 3 years ago and I told him outright I wasn't fully available, but he said that was fine and he would wait and he has. He is kind, available, patient, funny, literally if I made a list of the perfect guy, he falls into above and beyond. When I met him there wasn't that "spark" it just felt comfortable, calm, and warm. We have great conversations and fun together. I feel like I have known and loved him in a prior life as well. The issue is marriage keeps coming up, and I have had relationship anxiety most of our relationship simply because I believe he is available, and all my past lovers were not. I strive to find men like my father in the way of the unavailability, and instability, ect. that he provided as what love was...original caregivers right? SO for me to go against this goes against my very nature. This man that I know I love, does not have that unavailable feeling accompanying him. So it feels like there is something missing. I sometimes feel the I love but not am in love feeling, but then I look back and know that the infatuation stage is never permanent and I can see that fear is in the drivers seat a lot with me. He is a "nice guy", he doesn't have that fiery nature to him and that is something that I miss, but I don't miss the drama that comes with it.
I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if they were able to get past it. I truly want to be with this person, he is my best friend, but there is so much anxiety thinking about marrying him or anyone really. In my first marriage I never thought twice, I just did it, even though I knew in the back of my mind, he was never permanent, that is probably why I didn't think about it. With this guy it feels like forever, and in a normal setting, I think that would be wonderful, but for someone who is fearful of loss, it is terrifying. I am taking this very seriously and I want to commit, I just don't know how to get past and let go of the old stuff hanging on.
I know I need to work on myself and make myself happy and thus bring that to the relationship. I understand it is not his job to make me feel loved, or sexual, or complete, that is my job. I tell him EVERYTHING and have from the start, we have amazing communication, great sex, we have fun together, and I think he is really just a wonderful soul. So how can I calm my fear based ego and just commit in the sense of marriage?
Any thoughts? Has anyone gone through this similar situation?
Fast forward, I met my SO 3 years ago and I told him outright I wasn't fully available, but he said that was fine and he would wait and he has. He is kind, available, patient, funny, literally if I made a list of the perfect guy, he falls into above and beyond. When I met him there wasn't that "spark" it just felt comfortable, calm, and warm. We have great conversations and fun together. I feel like I have known and loved him in a prior life as well. The issue is marriage keeps coming up, and I have had relationship anxiety most of our relationship simply because I believe he is available, and all my past lovers were not. I strive to find men like my father in the way of the unavailability, and instability, ect. that he provided as what love was...original caregivers right? SO for me to go against this goes against my very nature. This man that I know I love, does not have that unavailable feeling accompanying him. So it feels like there is something missing. I sometimes feel the I love but not am in love feeling, but then I look back and know that the infatuation stage is never permanent and I can see that fear is in the drivers seat a lot with me. He is a "nice guy", he doesn't have that fiery nature to him and that is something that I miss, but I don't miss the drama that comes with it.
I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if they were able to get past it. I truly want to be with this person, he is my best friend, but there is so much anxiety thinking about marrying him or anyone really. In my first marriage I never thought twice, I just did it, even though I knew in the back of my mind, he was never permanent, that is probably why I didn't think about it. With this guy it feels like forever, and in a normal setting, I think that would be wonderful, but for someone who is fearful of loss, it is terrifying. I am taking this very seriously and I want to commit, I just don't know how to get past and let go of the old stuff hanging on.
I know I need to work on myself and make myself happy and thus bring that to the relationship. I understand it is not his job to make me feel loved, or sexual, or complete, that is my job. I tell him EVERYTHING and have from the start, we have amazing communication, great sex, we have fun together, and I think he is really just a wonderful soul. So how can I calm my fear based ego and just commit in the sense of marriage?
Any thoughts? Has anyone gone through this similar situation?
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