My boyfriend has depression pretty badly and is going through a depressive episode now. I feel somewhat hopeless and very guilty because although I love him I have been finding it difficult to cope with. I've only been with him a few moths and when I first met him his depression was not at all as bad so I have no previous experience of helping him. I feel like it is having a big effect on me too. I know he is trying his best and know this isn't true but occasionally I get feelings of frustration and feel like our relationship is one sided (I wish I could get rid of these feelings).
At the moment I hardly see him, he has been isolating himself a lot and don't want to force myself on him but I am so worried about him being okay all the time. In order to have some time together I am having to fit my plans around him and am seeing my friends less as I am very stressed not that it's his fault. I am having quite a lot of problems of my own at the moment (and feel I don't want to burden anyone wit them especially not him)and am someone who is very emotional, with up and down moods quite a lot. I think this means his depression gets to me more than it should..
I deal with this and like him so much that it's all worth it. He' has made me incredibly happy and has so many good qualities. What is bothering me is that I am keeping in my feelings around him and trying to be normal and then there have been several occasions where everything I have been thinking and feeling comes out and I end up really upsetting him and I hate doing this. Since it's happened a few times when he has felt very low he has kept mentioning how I hate him but it is the opposite. I in fact sometimes get the feeling he hates me (I know this isn't true) when he seems to hate being around me.
I am so annoyed with myself because just recently he let me see him in a very bad state and let me help him which he hasn't done before and now I feel it will take a while again to build up the trust to do that again and Could help him. I feel like I am making things worse for him. Sometimes I think i'm not the best person for him because there could be someone out there who'd actually help him.
I really want to be able to be there for him if he needs me and I really want him to know how much I care about him. I am confused and need to be able to cope with it better
for his sake and mine. If anyone who has had similar experiences could give any advice I would be grateful!
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