I'm going through the hardest 2 months of my life, and I'd love some advice. My wife and I have been married 7 years (11 together total). International relationship to start off with (made it through 3 years) before she moved to the US so we could be together. As of a month and a half ago I noticed she was spending way more time on her phone than normal, and taking more time in the bathroom. When I called her out on it she admitted she was having an emotional affair with the parent of her favorite student (she's a teacher). She has refused to stop the emotional affair (she claims that this is not affecting her judgement for me but rather giving her the opportunity to step back and evaluate our relationship). The other guy is going through a divorce right now. She promised to get into MC once she broke the news to me but on our first session 2 weeks ago she wouldn't commit to stopping the emotional affair and wasn't able to see a 'vision' for the two of us , so we're now each going to see individual counselors. Since then she started sleeping in the other bed, and then I finally moved out a week ago as she asked that we separate (and she couldn't stand seeing me in so much pain). She claims that she needs to work on 'herself' so that she can make a decision on what she wants to do about our relationship. And that I also should take the time to work on myself. I'm in a holding pattern which is tearing me up inside. She is the love of my life and I have shown (and will continue to show) that I'd do anything for her. It's been a month and a half now since I found out (and 1 week out of the house) and not a day goes by where I don't cry or feel absolutely torn up inside. We are seeing each other 1/week on either a dinner date with others or a coffee, and also message/email (very cordial, but the warmth left her).
Starting off with the cons in our relationship: she moved to the US for me (sacrificed a lot being away from her family), and moved twice for my career. Since the beginning of our relationship I've had performance anxiety (started off on a horrible first sexual encounter) which has led to minimal sex (she has a high appetite). It's been something that we know we've needed to address but has been so difficult we simply kept putting it on the back burner. This included no sex for about a year period, but since I started seeing a therapist for this issue (starting 3 mo ago) we have had increase in sex to 2/month, so we really were starting to make significant progress here (although not yet to the level we'd both like to be). She has always been a bit in my 'slipstream' from a career and life perspective and has had a hard time setting objectives for herself. I've encouraged her many times to be more proactive about this, and even go make friends outside of her limited circles a nd my friends. She is a very (almost to a fault) selfless person. Finally, through physiological fault of mine we can only have children via IVF. We've had 4 cycles and 3 miscarriages in the last 1.5 years. Finally figured out the cause of the miscarriages and have a set of embryos ready for transfer in the 'freezer'. Nevertheless the process has been really hard on us. To boot, we've had financial difficulties and have had to live with friends on and off for the past 6 months (but those are now resolved). So... lots of baggage.
That said, the pros in our relationship - we've been extremely happy together, share the same values, have a high respect for each other, love each other's families to death, have traveled the world together, hug/kiss all the time, hold hands, and generally wouldn't want to spend a minute with anyone other than ourselves. As of two moths ago she would come running into my arms when I got home from work all smiles and hugs, and every morning we'd have this amazing embrace as we woke up. We were like 2 peas in a pod. I really felt like as each day went by we were more and more in love (at least that's how I felt). People tell us we look like the ideal couple in that we're so happy together. We love all of the same things and generally have a very fulfilling life planned out. We have sacrificed a lot for each other, and are really good at the little things (always support each other, attentive to needs, clean the house, etc.) One fear though is that we might be too emotionally f used (which is a con).
That's why this emotional affair and sudden detachment and downward spiral is so painful and surprising.
I'd love anyone's advice on how to handle this situation. I know some things that will improve us are: increased differentiation, me really working on continuing to improve my sexual desire (which I 100% want to do and am working on). But my fear is that it's too late and with so much baggage we could be doomed. She's a trooper and has always been there for me, but she's in a fog now and I feel like my wife has died and been replaced with this other, colder, person. She hasn't made a decision, but my goal is to just get her into MC, realize that all of the major problems either have been fixed or have shown progress, and that I'll never stop trying to make our relationship better.
Things she has said since she broke the news about her emotional affair:
- We have had way more good times than bad
- I don't think it's going to work out
- You've been the best husband in the world
- I am certainly not going to take off my ring
- I'm so sorry for putting you through this
- I just want to look back 20 years from now and be 'at peace' with myself
- I realize that nobody can be 100% happy
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Starting off with the cons in our relationship: she moved to the US for me (sacrificed a lot being away from her family), and moved twice for my career. Since the beginning of our relationship I've had performance anxiety (started off on a horrible first sexual encounter) which has led to minimal sex (she has a high appetite). It's been something that we know we've needed to address but has been so difficult we simply kept putting it on the back burner. This included no sex for about a year period, but since I started seeing a therapist for this issue (starting 3 mo ago) we have had increase in sex to 2/month, so we really were starting to make significant progress here (although not yet to the level we'd both like to be). She has always been a bit in my 'slipstream' from a career and life perspective and has had a hard time setting objectives for herself. I've encouraged her many times to be more proactive about this, and even go make friends outside of her limited circles a nd my friends. She is a very (almost to a fault) selfless person. Finally, through physiological fault of mine we can only have children via IVF. We've had 4 cycles and 3 miscarriages in the last 1.5 years. Finally figured out the cause of the miscarriages and have a set of embryos ready for transfer in the 'freezer'. Nevertheless the process has been really hard on us. To boot, we've had financial difficulties and have had to live with friends on and off for the past 6 months (but those are now resolved). So... lots of baggage.
That said, the pros in our relationship - we've been extremely happy together, share the same values, have a high respect for each other, love each other's families to death, have traveled the world together, hug/kiss all the time, hold hands, and generally wouldn't want to spend a minute with anyone other than ourselves. As of two moths ago she would come running into my arms when I got home from work all smiles and hugs, and every morning we'd have this amazing embrace as we woke up. We were like 2 peas in a pod. I really felt like as each day went by we were more and more in love (at least that's how I felt). People tell us we look like the ideal couple in that we're so happy together. We love all of the same things and generally have a very fulfilling life planned out. We have sacrificed a lot for each other, and are really good at the little things (always support each other, attentive to needs, clean the house, etc.) One fear though is that we might be too emotionally f used (which is a con).
That's why this emotional affair and sudden detachment and downward spiral is so painful and surprising.
I'd love anyone's advice on how to handle this situation. I know some things that will improve us are: increased differentiation, me really working on continuing to improve my sexual desire (which I 100% want to do and am working on). But my fear is that it's too late and with so much baggage we could be doomed. She's a trooper and has always been there for me, but she's in a fog now and I feel like my wife has died and been replaced with this other, colder, person. She hasn't made a decision, but my goal is to just get her into MC, realize that all of the major problems either have been fixed or have shown progress, and that I'll never stop trying to make our relationship better.
Things she has said since she broke the news about her emotional affair:
- We have had way more good times than bad
- I don't think it's going to work out
- You've been the best husband in the world
- I am certainly not going to take off my ring
- I'm so sorry for putting you through this
- I just want to look back 20 years from now and be 'at peace' with myself
- I realize that nobody can be 100% happy
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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