Here we go....
I have recently exited a relationship with a woman i am 1000% convinced has NPD. Now I dont say that lightly, I have been in relationships w women who: cheated on me for 5 years, skipped town w my money and my cat, and a much older one who sexually exploited me when i was really young. I wouldnt diagnose any of them and yet despite my horrendous track record, it is the recent NPD,the Harvard Ph.d graduate, that
I would point to and say "this is the most destructive" of my relationships.
That is, If i had let it continue or be as destructive as she wanted.
It started slowly, we met and we would spend hours on the phone, it seemed so easy to communicate w her and despite being a bit frigid and stern with the help on our first date (turned me off) she seemed so open and kind to me...I shouldve known better.
I had recently ended a relationship of 5 years w someone who lied to me pathologically and id been reading a lot of self help books about my doormat ways and my passive aggressiveness and such
I was proud tht i felt happier than ever and more than that, more aware of the wrong types of relationships. I felt i had a great command of my instincts for once.
Thats when she started to tell me that after all I had been through I shouldnt trust my instincts, that I was likely to be easily scared off and have a over-heightened sense of when things go wrong in a relationship. She also told me that my stories of being a doormat didnt line up with who she found me to be as a person, she told me i didnt act doormat and in fact that i could be quite obstinate and forthright and maybe i should even tone that down a bit, she told me that too could be an over correction
I listened and took what she had to say seriously and considered them, even tho friends who had known me over a decade were completely baffled by why she would say that...
things go well until our first fight. I felt like we had such a loving connection and then the fight happened and I was faced with a brutal Spartan soldier. I felt waterboarded out of nowhere, tortured and kicked to the floor, brutally attacked. I was in shock after the first couple of fights, in survivor mode, i tried to brush it off....I tried to make ammends however possible
We did make ammends and she showered me w love after and kept telling me how she had never been in a relationship so "healthy" and how amazing it was....After her saying this for weeks, I finally told her that it wasnt at all how I felt, that I felt things were very volatile and shaky between us...
gone was ever the speak that we were the megacouple and now she constantly attacked me for our problems, saying how volatile we were and basically using my language against me.
this was the start of her using my words against me. another time in kind and loving tone i told her that sometimes i felt like i was walking on eggshells with her....cut to a few days later when i get a VERY long email telling me how she is walking on egg shells w me.
this happened countless times each time i told her something about how i felt, i began to predict to the exact point when she would counter that indeed I was the one
I didnt know what the hell was going on, I could tell in her day to day life that control was the biggest concern for her. She had to have every tiny thing controlled and done her way, I didnt feel comfortable setting up a flat screen tv I bought for her bc i knew she would knit pick the way i moved the tv, how i set it up, etc, and sure enough that happened.
I couldnt drive her car (I have a perfect driving record) without her endlessly telling me where each stop sign, car, pedestrian was, and asking me over and over about my mirrors and seatbelt all the while she would be gripping the handles of the car like we were in nascar
she seemed riddled with constant anxiety and the way she dealt w it was control.
so I googled controlling insecure women and thats when I found out about and read for the first time NPD. This was a few months in and I thought about it but i didnt make any stern thoughts about if she was or wasnt, i just wanted to fix things
So I kept trying to fix things but she kept getting more and more volatile and violent, it wasnt long until I would awaken to 5 or 6 very long emails bashing me, saying how terrible i was, how id failed her, how unaccountable I was, how I never apologize, how things were constantly my fault....
I couldnt take anymore so I broke up w her and told her i didnt want her in my life. she began to hound me relentlessly for weeks, telling me how there MUST be some sort of misunderstanding bc she was a good person and so was I and we just had miscommunications
I heard her out, every night, until past 3 am most nights even tho i had to work the next morning....hanging up w her was never something she would allow, when i would be stern and say I am going, she would count that as hanging up and would berrate me with calls and emails and voicemails about how I betrayed her...so to avoid that I gave in to her "just 10 more minutes, look I will set a timer, I promise" that always ended up being "oh the timer is up, but I want to say one last thing, please, thats it, i promise" that ended up to 3 am....
So after all this, I finally think maybe she is right about the misunderstandings and she was being so sweet...that i took her back. Then things got so much worse, HOW COULD U LEAVE ME?? WHAT THE HELL? I DONT TRUST YOU. I WILL NEVER TRUST YOU. YOU JUST LEFT AND I STAYED TO WORK THINGS THROUGH. Daily I got this. I didnt want to walk away again after all the effort it took to get back in the relationship so I stayed and tried to reassure her, then it became about me about how I had an emotional backslide and how I had missed a few doses of my anti anxiety meds and how she had to pay the price by being dumped for no good reason.
this is how the narration went, i left her for no good reason bc i was "off my meds" and then she started keeping files on me. YES YOU READ IT RIGHT, FILES ON ME. Like the KGB. She would send me 25-30 page documents of our online chats and she would highlight each and every section she found offensive that I had said and would ask for a specific apology and rationale for saying those things. (the biggest one was me asking her if she had a diagnosis she didnt disclose)
i should say that her exes were both by her declaration "crazy" and "determined by professionals to be crazy" and both were admitted to mental institutions (and had never been in one until their relationship w her)
and she explained it to me like she was this big victim who was drawn to people who would out of nowhere go insane in the middle of their relationship but that she was committed to staying with them bc she had been there when they were healthy..
looking back now i know she drove them to these measures and when they tried to leave, she wouldnt allow it. i see this now and it terrifies me.
She told me she wanted nothing to do with those exes bc of the way they just walked out of her life, wo a formal goodbye or anything, and that they were clearly in an emotional crisis and therefore tho she wouldnt speak to them, she felt sorry for them. I remember asking if that that was true that they were just in some huge emotional crisis that lasted years after the breakup just bc they chose not to speak with her, but she got very defensive and angry and said yes that even her therapist told her so.
When I finally did break things off with her after 7 months of pure misery and hell and fearing for my life, she told me in one of our lengthy last conversations that she believed I should be checked for another diagnosis than the one i have (i have aspergers)
I told her ok and laughed it off, which made her irrate, she screamed YOU ARENT EVEN EMOTIONALLY HERE IN OUR BREAKUP CONVERSATION. and I thought no of course not, im done emotionally, but i realize it was a violent reaction to the fact that she tried to "hook" me by claiming i had some personality disorder and trying to get an angry reaction out of me and it wasnt working.
The last time i saw her in person I had asked her to leave early after spending the night, it was around 1pm the next day, i wasnt feeling well and had lots of work to do, she told me it was really inconsidering seeing as she had an even that night at 7pm and by the time she would get home she would have to turn around and attend the event, i pointed out that she would have at least 4 hours at home, but no she said if i had wanted her to leave i shouldve asked earlier and that it was very rude of me...so i dropped it and she stayed until the event. as she left she told me i hadnt been the most pleasant of people, i was lucky i had her to deal with me, and that when i was ready i should call her to apologize.
I remember waiting the seconds until she would leave, like i couldnt breathe, and seeing her leave my house thinking "thank god this will be the last time i have to see u, i will never make the mistake of having you around me ever again"
Later I got a few delusional emails about how she was willing to work through things and give it two more weeks and that she too has reasons why she wants to break up but shes willing to put those aside and be the one to save us. I replied to each one "Please respect my decision" and the last email I received was one about how worried she was, that i was both drowning in my emotions and emotionless and how breaking things off with me wouldnt be helpful to me in the long run and how i needed to save myself so i could return to her.
I again said "i am happy, im sorry to see you are in pain, please respect my decision"
This woman scares the holy living crap out of me. I want a restraining order but im absolutely terrified of poking the dragon. So i live each day looking behind my shoulders and locking my doors and praying she gives up on me.
I am only grateful I got out and grateful that I didnt let her harm me emotionally as much as i may have when i was younger
thats another thing when i first broke up with her she was sobbing and yelling at me that all my exes had been so terrible to me but that id stayed with them and why wasnt i trying to stay with her. That shouldve been a huge red flag to me. Why was she even thinking about things in terms like that? in terms of how much i took from people? Was that all she was thinking when i told her my broken hearted stories from the past? "OH HERE IS A FOOL WHO WILL TAKE A LOT OF ****."
thats the only thing i can think of .
She had me so convinced I was the crazy one, the bad one, the one that needed to be helped and saved and needed guidance and she was begrudgingly dealing with my bad behavior, begrudgingly stepping up to the plate to tell me what to do in life.
she would call me a child, tell me i couldnt handle doing certain things myself so she would have to do them for me, etc etc,
when i spoke to her about boundaries it was like garlic to a vampire, it made her sick and angry and she told me I had "high ivory tower walls" up.
i have been afraid to post this, i have made several fake throwaway accounts during the term of this relationship bc shes an insanely good researcher and i know she will find them, she already has found most of them, and this isnt even my user account of choice but its the only one i feel is safely anonymous enough...so.....i just had to share this, ive been too afraid but i had to.
If I never see that monster again, it will be too soon.
Please remember psychos exist anywhere, even with PH.d's, even with a beautiful face, and lots of surface friends who vouch for this person....
PLEASE trust your gut and when someone tells you your gut shouldnt be trusted, do NOT trust them
As for me i take full responsibility for my part in drawing these people towards me, and I am happy i emotionally cut off before the wounds got very deep, i am happy i didnt let someone emotionally break me again, they tried and it lasted 7 months too long and hopefully ill never let it get that far again . and the strongest point for me was realizing i dont care if she tells her friends i am the crazy one, or that i am going through some emotional crisis, i dont care what she says, i only care that I am free of that crap and I choose ME. I am not going to sell me out just to win some clearly ill person's limited approval. The only person who can protect me from psychos like that is ME. and from now on I have my back
I have recently exited a relationship with a woman i am 1000% convinced has NPD. Now I dont say that lightly, I have been in relationships w women who: cheated on me for 5 years, skipped town w my money and my cat, and a much older one who sexually exploited me when i was really young. I wouldnt diagnose any of them and yet despite my horrendous track record, it is the recent NPD,the Harvard Ph.d graduate, that
I would point to and say "this is the most destructive" of my relationships.
That is, If i had let it continue or be as destructive as she wanted.
It started slowly, we met and we would spend hours on the phone, it seemed so easy to communicate w her and despite being a bit frigid and stern with the help on our first date (turned me off) she seemed so open and kind to me...I shouldve known better.
I had recently ended a relationship of 5 years w someone who lied to me pathologically and id been reading a lot of self help books about my doormat ways and my passive aggressiveness and such
I was proud tht i felt happier than ever and more than that, more aware of the wrong types of relationships. I felt i had a great command of my instincts for once.
Thats when she started to tell me that after all I had been through I shouldnt trust my instincts, that I was likely to be easily scared off and have a over-heightened sense of when things go wrong in a relationship. She also told me that my stories of being a doormat didnt line up with who she found me to be as a person, she told me i didnt act doormat and in fact that i could be quite obstinate and forthright and maybe i should even tone that down a bit, she told me that too could be an over correction
I listened and took what she had to say seriously and considered them, even tho friends who had known me over a decade were completely baffled by why she would say that...
things go well until our first fight. I felt like we had such a loving connection and then the fight happened and I was faced with a brutal Spartan soldier. I felt waterboarded out of nowhere, tortured and kicked to the floor, brutally attacked. I was in shock after the first couple of fights, in survivor mode, i tried to brush it off....I tried to make ammends however possible
We did make ammends and she showered me w love after and kept telling me how she had never been in a relationship so "healthy" and how amazing it was....After her saying this for weeks, I finally told her that it wasnt at all how I felt, that I felt things were very volatile and shaky between us...
gone was ever the speak that we were the megacouple and now she constantly attacked me for our problems, saying how volatile we were and basically using my language against me.
this was the start of her using my words against me. another time in kind and loving tone i told her that sometimes i felt like i was walking on eggshells with her....cut to a few days later when i get a VERY long email telling me how she is walking on egg shells w me.
this happened countless times each time i told her something about how i felt, i began to predict to the exact point when she would counter that indeed I was the one
I didnt know what the hell was going on, I could tell in her day to day life that control was the biggest concern for her. She had to have every tiny thing controlled and done her way, I didnt feel comfortable setting up a flat screen tv I bought for her bc i knew she would knit pick the way i moved the tv, how i set it up, etc, and sure enough that happened.
I couldnt drive her car (I have a perfect driving record) without her endlessly telling me where each stop sign, car, pedestrian was, and asking me over and over about my mirrors and seatbelt all the while she would be gripping the handles of the car like we were in nascar
she seemed riddled with constant anxiety and the way she dealt w it was control.
so I googled controlling insecure women and thats when I found out about and read for the first time NPD. This was a few months in and I thought about it but i didnt make any stern thoughts about if she was or wasnt, i just wanted to fix things
So I kept trying to fix things but she kept getting more and more volatile and violent, it wasnt long until I would awaken to 5 or 6 very long emails bashing me, saying how terrible i was, how id failed her, how unaccountable I was, how I never apologize, how things were constantly my fault....
I couldnt take anymore so I broke up w her and told her i didnt want her in my life. she began to hound me relentlessly for weeks, telling me how there MUST be some sort of misunderstanding bc she was a good person and so was I and we just had miscommunications
I heard her out, every night, until past 3 am most nights even tho i had to work the next morning....hanging up w her was never something she would allow, when i would be stern and say I am going, she would count that as hanging up and would berrate me with calls and emails and voicemails about how I betrayed her...so to avoid that I gave in to her "just 10 more minutes, look I will set a timer, I promise" that always ended up being "oh the timer is up, but I want to say one last thing, please, thats it, i promise" that ended up to 3 am....
So after all this, I finally think maybe she is right about the misunderstandings and she was being so sweet...that i took her back. Then things got so much worse, HOW COULD U LEAVE ME?? WHAT THE HELL? I DONT TRUST YOU. I WILL NEVER TRUST YOU. YOU JUST LEFT AND I STAYED TO WORK THINGS THROUGH. Daily I got this. I didnt want to walk away again after all the effort it took to get back in the relationship so I stayed and tried to reassure her, then it became about me about how I had an emotional backslide and how I had missed a few doses of my anti anxiety meds and how she had to pay the price by being dumped for no good reason.
this is how the narration went, i left her for no good reason bc i was "off my meds" and then she started keeping files on me. YES YOU READ IT RIGHT, FILES ON ME. Like the KGB. She would send me 25-30 page documents of our online chats and she would highlight each and every section she found offensive that I had said and would ask for a specific apology and rationale for saying those things. (the biggest one was me asking her if she had a diagnosis she didnt disclose)
i should say that her exes were both by her declaration "crazy" and "determined by professionals to be crazy" and both were admitted to mental institutions (and had never been in one until their relationship w her)
and she explained it to me like she was this big victim who was drawn to people who would out of nowhere go insane in the middle of their relationship but that she was committed to staying with them bc she had been there when they were healthy..
looking back now i know she drove them to these measures and when they tried to leave, she wouldnt allow it. i see this now and it terrifies me.
She told me she wanted nothing to do with those exes bc of the way they just walked out of her life, wo a formal goodbye or anything, and that they were clearly in an emotional crisis and therefore tho she wouldnt speak to them, she felt sorry for them. I remember asking if that that was true that they were just in some huge emotional crisis that lasted years after the breakup just bc they chose not to speak with her, but she got very defensive and angry and said yes that even her therapist told her so.
When I finally did break things off with her after 7 months of pure misery and hell and fearing for my life, she told me in one of our lengthy last conversations that she believed I should be checked for another diagnosis than the one i have (i have aspergers)
I told her ok and laughed it off, which made her irrate, she screamed YOU ARENT EVEN EMOTIONALLY HERE IN OUR BREAKUP CONVERSATION. and I thought no of course not, im done emotionally, but i realize it was a violent reaction to the fact that she tried to "hook" me by claiming i had some personality disorder and trying to get an angry reaction out of me and it wasnt working.
The last time i saw her in person I had asked her to leave early after spending the night, it was around 1pm the next day, i wasnt feeling well and had lots of work to do, she told me it was really inconsidering seeing as she had an even that night at 7pm and by the time she would get home she would have to turn around and attend the event, i pointed out that she would have at least 4 hours at home, but no she said if i had wanted her to leave i shouldve asked earlier and that it was very rude of me...so i dropped it and she stayed until the event. as she left she told me i hadnt been the most pleasant of people, i was lucky i had her to deal with me, and that when i was ready i should call her to apologize.
I remember waiting the seconds until she would leave, like i couldnt breathe, and seeing her leave my house thinking "thank god this will be the last time i have to see u, i will never make the mistake of having you around me ever again"
Later I got a few delusional emails about how she was willing to work through things and give it two more weeks and that she too has reasons why she wants to break up but shes willing to put those aside and be the one to save us. I replied to each one "Please respect my decision" and the last email I received was one about how worried she was, that i was both drowning in my emotions and emotionless and how breaking things off with me wouldnt be helpful to me in the long run and how i needed to save myself so i could return to her.
I again said "i am happy, im sorry to see you are in pain, please respect my decision"
This woman scares the holy living crap out of me. I want a restraining order but im absolutely terrified of poking the dragon. So i live each day looking behind my shoulders and locking my doors and praying she gives up on me.
I am only grateful I got out and grateful that I didnt let her harm me emotionally as much as i may have when i was younger
thats another thing when i first broke up with her she was sobbing and yelling at me that all my exes had been so terrible to me but that id stayed with them and why wasnt i trying to stay with her. That shouldve been a huge red flag to me. Why was she even thinking about things in terms like that? in terms of how much i took from people? Was that all she was thinking when i told her my broken hearted stories from the past? "OH HERE IS A FOOL WHO WILL TAKE A LOT OF ****."
thats the only thing i can think of .
She had me so convinced I was the crazy one, the bad one, the one that needed to be helped and saved and needed guidance and she was begrudgingly dealing with my bad behavior, begrudgingly stepping up to the plate to tell me what to do in life.
she would call me a child, tell me i couldnt handle doing certain things myself so she would have to do them for me, etc etc,
when i spoke to her about boundaries it was like garlic to a vampire, it made her sick and angry and she told me I had "high ivory tower walls" up.
i have been afraid to post this, i have made several fake throwaway accounts during the term of this relationship bc shes an insanely good researcher and i know she will find them, she already has found most of them, and this isnt even my user account of choice but its the only one i feel is safely anonymous enough...so.....i just had to share this, ive been too afraid but i had to.
If I never see that monster again, it will be too soon.
Please remember psychos exist anywhere, even with PH.d's, even with a beautiful face, and lots of surface friends who vouch for this person....
PLEASE trust your gut and when someone tells you your gut shouldnt be trusted, do NOT trust them
As for me i take full responsibility for my part in drawing these people towards me, and I am happy i emotionally cut off before the wounds got very deep, i am happy i didnt let someone emotionally break me again, they tried and it lasted 7 months too long and hopefully ill never let it get that far again . and the strongest point for me was realizing i dont care if she tells her friends i am the crazy one, or that i am going through some emotional crisis, i dont care what she says, i only care that I am free of that crap and I choose ME. I am not going to sell me out just to win some clearly ill person's limited approval. The only person who can protect me from psychos like that is ME. and from now on I have my back
Put the internet to work for you.
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