NEW here, first post.
I have been married 26 years as of this past June. I have a lot of resentment toward my husband due to broken promises and such. He convinced me to have a tubal ligation instead of a hysterectomy although I was fiercely against tubal. He said that he would have a vasectomy if I would have the tubal although he was against having a vasectomy. I resentfully had the tubal but he never had the vasectomy. This was in 2000. Another example is our children are 30, 21, 21, 17, & 15.
When I would discipline the kids when they were younger, my husband would agree and stand with me on the discipline. Later when I would leave & come home from work or the store or whatever, he would have reneged on the discipline. For example, one time I took our daughter's phone, he agreed that it was a good punishment, but when I returned he had given her the bank card to go by minutes for an old prepaid phone she had. He told me that she needed a phone to keep in touch with us when she was gone, because she was a girl, and or in case something happened. He didn't stand with me on that. Another instance is in 2010, I was in college. I received a letter one day that I had made the Dean's list at school. I called my husband excitedly to tell him the news. He exclaimed that that was great and that we would have to go out to celebrate. It is now 2015 I am still waiting to go out to celebrate.
Whenever I mention it he says, well it is never too late. I have never been taken out to dinner for our anniversary, nor my birthday. I have never asked him to do anything I have not done for him. I got a mens cologne sample and I gave it to him, and he like the fragrance and asked me to find it and buy it for him. That was a Tuesday, by the next Friday he had not only the Cologne but the aftershave and deodorant as well. I asked him to buy my favorite perfume which cost about $50, Romance by Ralph Lauren, it was 4 years before he bought it for me. Every time I would state that I am going to buy for myself he would get upset and say no, no I'm going to get it. When he did buy it, I came in from work, he handed me the bag and sit here I hope you're happy, that was said with sarcasm. He has NEVER bought me any item of clothing. I told him my size, I took him to my favorite store where we both knew the manager & I selected three items. She agreed to hold them for one week un til he would come back and select something for me. He never went back. He promised to get me an anniversary band that I asked for. He worked at Walmart, and the jewelry department of Walmart still has layaway. He selected three rings and I went and selected one and he said he would put it on layaway and pay it out. I went in selected the one I like the best he never paid a dime. I no longer want or care for the anniversary band.
We went marriage counseling and the counselor gave him some suggestions to do to help make the marriage work. The next week when we went back the counselor asked him did he do his 'homework'. He admitted that he did not, the counselor asked was he aware that he could lose his wife? He answered 'Yes.'The counselor then asked, is this what you want? He answered no. The counselor asked are you willing to do what it takes to keep her? He answered, 'I don't know.'
What wife wants to hear her husband say something like that?!
We live in Florida now we relocated from Louisiana. I was originally supposed to relocate here alone, but he told me that he wanted our marriage to work and was moving with me here to Florida, so far no changes. We've been here almost 11 years. He knows I am not happy, I have told him, he never took the time to find out exactly why I wasn't happy or what was bothering me.
I've finally come to the decision to file for divorce, but a lot of my friends and acquaintances say that I should just continue on or it's been so long, I should just deal with it. Some say that I'm not going anywhere now or I shouldn't go now. I makes me so angry. I deserve to be happy. But what hinders me and angers me more is the fact that he is SO dependent upon me everything. Every job he has had since we been together, I got him. Either by filling out the app or by being in the right place at the right time. He can drive but NEVER got his license. So I've always been his chauffeur. He promised me that he would get them, but another lie/broken promise. He depends on me to make hustle happen when money is short, he says I hustle better. He depends on me to call social service agencies for assistance and go to the appointments, he depends on me to schedule his dr appointments (I recently stopped doing that, I have him the number & he had to call.)
I'm a bit afraid that if I went through with it, and he died, I would feel responsible. He is 62 and in Nov. had surgery on his heart for abnormal rhythm. The doctor told me that if he had not came in when he did, he was looking at a major stroke or heart attack. He was sent from the doctors office to the hospital and shortly thereafter had the procedure. The Dr said it's good that I got him in when I did.
So if something happened in the months following the divorce, even if it is natural causes, I would feel guilty and responsible.
He knows I want a divorce & agreed to sign the papers when we discussed it in October or November of last year. But seeing as he doesn't keep his word, that may not still be believable.
How do I handle this? What should I do. I keep an attitude when we talk, I try not too but I guess it's so much anger, hurt, and resentment that it comes out. I am currently in counseling but still no solution to my feelings and situation.
Any ideas, questions to clarify, or any help for me?
I have been married 26 years as of this past June. I have a lot of resentment toward my husband due to broken promises and such. He convinced me to have a tubal ligation instead of a hysterectomy although I was fiercely against tubal. He said that he would have a vasectomy if I would have the tubal although he was against having a vasectomy. I resentfully had the tubal but he never had the vasectomy. This was in 2000. Another example is our children are 30, 21, 21, 17, & 15.
When I would discipline the kids when they were younger, my husband would agree and stand with me on the discipline. Later when I would leave & come home from work or the store or whatever, he would have reneged on the discipline. For example, one time I took our daughter's phone, he agreed that it was a good punishment, but when I returned he had given her the bank card to go by minutes for an old prepaid phone she had. He told me that she needed a phone to keep in touch with us when she was gone, because she was a girl, and or in case something happened. He didn't stand with me on that. Another instance is in 2010, I was in college. I received a letter one day that I had made the Dean's list at school. I called my husband excitedly to tell him the news. He exclaimed that that was great and that we would have to go out to celebrate. It is now 2015 I am still waiting to go out to celebrate.
Whenever I mention it he says, well it is never too late. I have never been taken out to dinner for our anniversary, nor my birthday. I have never asked him to do anything I have not done for him. I got a mens cologne sample and I gave it to him, and he like the fragrance and asked me to find it and buy it for him. That was a Tuesday, by the next Friday he had not only the Cologne but the aftershave and deodorant as well. I asked him to buy my favorite perfume which cost about $50, Romance by Ralph Lauren, it was 4 years before he bought it for me. Every time I would state that I am going to buy for myself he would get upset and say no, no I'm going to get it. When he did buy it, I came in from work, he handed me the bag and sit here I hope you're happy, that was said with sarcasm. He has NEVER bought me any item of clothing. I told him my size, I took him to my favorite store where we both knew the manager & I selected three items. She agreed to hold them for one week un til he would come back and select something for me. He never went back. He promised to get me an anniversary band that I asked for. He worked at Walmart, and the jewelry department of Walmart still has layaway. He selected three rings and I went and selected one and he said he would put it on layaway and pay it out. I went in selected the one I like the best he never paid a dime. I no longer want or care for the anniversary band.
We went marriage counseling and the counselor gave him some suggestions to do to help make the marriage work. The next week when we went back the counselor asked him did he do his 'homework'. He admitted that he did not, the counselor asked was he aware that he could lose his wife? He answered 'Yes.'The counselor then asked, is this what you want? He answered no. The counselor asked are you willing to do what it takes to keep her? He answered, 'I don't know.'
What wife wants to hear her husband say something like that?!
We live in Florida now we relocated from Louisiana. I was originally supposed to relocate here alone, but he told me that he wanted our marriage to work and was moving with me here to Florida, so far no changes. We've been here almost 11 years. He knows I am not happy, I have told him, he never took the time to find out exactly why I wasn't happy or what was bothering me.
I've finally come to the decision to file for divorce, but a lot of my friends and acquaintances say that I should just continue on or it's been so long, I should just deal with it. Some say that I'm not going anywhere now or I shouldn't go now. I makes me so angry. I deserve to be happy. But what hinders me and angers me more is the fact that he is SO dependent upon me everything. Every job he has had since we been together, I got him. Either by filling out the app or by being in the right place at the right time. He can drive but NEVER got his license. So I've always been his chauffeur. He promised me that he would get them, but another lie/broken promise. He depends on me to make hustle happen when money is short, he says I hustle better. He depends on me to call social service agencies for assistance and go to the appointments, he depends on me to schedule his dr appointments (I recently stopped doing that, I have him the number & he had to call.)
I'm a bit afraid that if I went through with it, and he died, I would feel responsible. He is 62 and in Nov. had surgery on his heart for abnormal rhythm. The doctor told me that if he had not came in when he did, he was looking at a major stroke or heart attack. He was sent from the doctors office to the hospital and shortly thereafter had the procedure. The Dr said it's good that I got him in when I did.
So if something happened in the months following the divorce, even if it is natural causes, I would feel guilty and responsible.
He knows I want a divorce & agreed to sign the papers when we discussed it in October or November of last year. But seeing as he doesn't keep his word, that may not still be believable.
How do I handle this? What should I do. I keep an attitude when we talk, I try not too but I guess it's so much anger, hurt, and resentment that it comes out. I am currently in counseling but still no solution to my feelings and situation.
Any ideas, questions to clarify, or any help for me?
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