I've told my story to multiple friends as objectively as possible, yet I continue to seek any advice that could save my marriage because it is hanging by a thread. Sadly each one of my friends are amazed I've stayed in this marriage and I'm recently beginning to agree with them. It all started when we were 13-14yrs old.
1. History: W and I met as young teenagers and became great friends. We never engaged in a romantic relationship. She went to college and I went to the military. After she graduated we began to date and eventually married. We got pregnant our wedding night and I was thrilled about having kids ASAP.
2. Newly Weds: I moved her, payed her student loans ($60K), bought a house and spent my life savings to start our lives. She was very selfish in the beginning and spent too much money. I became very critical of her and we started to bicker over daily issues. The sex and intimacy dramatically slowed at about 6 months of pregnancy.
3. W Transformation: The W transformed almost overnight. After the kid was born I made her happy by maintaining abstinence for 3 months. I figured she would be excited to get back into it. She began to make countless excuses to avoid any intimate contact with me. Sex became a rare treat and we often argued over her lies and excuses not to have it. She later revealed to me that sex hurt and she had been faking pleasure for over a year. We became pregnant again with twins. The problem compounded after their birth. She quickly rearranged her priorities and placed me last in her life.
4. Intimacy: Before getting married we had a very healthy, fun and wild sex life. We loved to pleasure each other and she would passionately kiss me all the time. we flirted and had fun together. After child birth she quit flirting and only focused on kids. She suddenly stopped kissing me. She started pinching her lips together and I haven't had an open mouth or tongue kiss for 6 yrs no matter how much I try. She hates to be cuddled with, her neck breathed on/kissed, her breasts touched, touching me in any way. Basically she is disgusted by anything beyond mother/child interaction. Which is ironic because the kids get way more intimacy than me.
5. Sex: The W made this a passive aggressive tool to get her way. She would attempt to get all the extra chores and foot rubs in exchange for a sexual encounter. When anything didn't go her way the day that she scheduled sex, she would fight and argue so she could justify denying me intimacy. Sexual contact of all types is only allowed under her rules. Only 3 positions allowed, I have to finish quickly (as coached) and she refuses to take her top/bra off and she won't touch me ever. Having sex with a dead fish that constantly complains and only allows it 2-3 times a month began to wear on me. All other forms of sexual contact were under strict rule setting and guilt ridden tactics designed to make sex a transaction or concession for her wants around the house/relationship.
6. Professional Help: She claims the pregnancy caused physical damage and it is painful to have sex. I had to nag her for 2 years to discuss the problem with her doctor. She had no desire to solve the problem. When she finally met with the Dr. she refused to try most of the suggestions. She finally engaged in counseling. The doc told me to be patient while she tried to work on her intimacy issues. I did my part and she barely made any progress. We repeated this cycle (me begging her to seek help, her getting help, me giving her space/support while she healed) for the last 6 years and she hasn't made any progress. I've made several improvements with how I treat her but there has literally been no change in her motivation or intimacy progress. She just doesn't care.
7. Fidelity: After begging for my wife to be my lover and friend for 5yrs, and her giving very little effort, she suggested me seeking sex outside of marriage. To this day she still thinks it's all about sexual release. I must confess how badly I missed a woman desiring me, laying closely with me, sleeping with me and enjoying my company. It sucks to get rejected by your own wife on a regular basis. When I slept with other girls I didn't tell my wife, even though she gave me open consent all the time. Eventually she asked if I had ever done it and I told her yes. Surprisingly she was vey upset and she felt very hurt that I did it. She also claimed it was never sanctioned because we never worked out the specific terms of the arrangement. She confessed that she suggested it with the hopes a release would make me nicer to her and less horny. After all that time she still didn't understand that release would not solve problems in our marriage.
8. Roommates: For the last 4-5yrs we have basically been roommates. she expects me to be the complete husband, helping her with everything around the house. Sadly she is only playing part of the wife role. I work all day while she is home alone (kids at school) and I come home just to work more for her. She expects me to do everything she wants yet my needs are completely unfulfilled.
9. Current Situation: After living as roommates with no emotional connection, I made one last ditch effort to save the marriage. I decided to give her everything she wanted, be the perfect husband/father and to gain her affection. Surprisingly she appreciated the effort but made no attempts to improve the intimacy. After 3 months of that we got in a huge fight because she wouldn't cuddle with me in bed on fathers day. After two days of fights, I told her I wanted a divorce. I'm tired of being the only one to try.
10. Divorce: I told her if she didn't aggressively try to repair her intimacy issues that I would leave ASAP. She sat emotionless when I mentioned the D and she said she needed to process the information. She came back two days later and told me she wanted to try counseling again. I was super frustrated when she also asked me to go get individual counseling. We both agree that her issues are related to her childhood and her mother raising kids in an abusive home. I've given her 7yrs and I'm unhappy.
Should I give any more time to a woman that isn't interested in a romantic relationship ever again? I think divorce is the best option for us and especially my kids.
1. History: W and I met as young teenagers and became great friends. We never engaged in a romantic relationship. She went to college and I went to the military. After she graduated we began to date and eventually married. We got pregnant our wedding night and I was thrilled about having kids ASAP.
2. Newly Weds: I moved her, payed her student loans ($60K), bought a house and spent my life savings to start our lives. She was very selfish in the beginning and spent too much money. I became very critical of her and we started to bicker over daily issues. The sex and intimacy dramatically slowed at about 6 months of pregnancy.
3. W Transformation: The W transformed almost overnight. After the kid was born I made her happy by maintaining abstinence for 3 months. I figured she would be excited to get back into it. She began to make countless excuses to avoid any intimate contact with me. Sex became a rare treat and we often argued over her lies and excuses not to have it. She later revealed to me that sex hurt and she had been faking pleasure for over a year. We became pregnant again with twins. The problem compounded after their birth. She quickly rearranged her priorities and placed me last in her life.
4. Intimacy: Before getting married we had a very healthy, fun and wild sex life. We loved to pleasure each other and she would passionately kiss me all the time. we flirted and had fun together. After child birth she quit flirting and only focused on kids. She suddenly stopped kissing me. She started pinching her lips together and I haven't had an open mouth or tongue kiss for 6 yrs no matter how much I try. She hates to be cuddled with, her neck breathed on/kissed, her breasts touched, touching me in any way. Basically she is disgusted by anything beyond mother/child interaction. Which is ironic because the kids get way more intimacy than me.
5. Sex: The W made this a passive aggressive tool to get her way. She would attempt to get all the extra chores and foot rubs in exchange for a sexual encounter. When anything didn't go her way the day that she scheduled sex, she would fight and argue so she could justify denying me intimacy. Sexual contact of all types is only allowed under her rules. Only 3 positions allowed, I have to finish quickly (as coached) and she refuses to take her top/bra off and she won't touch me ever. Having sex with a dead fish that constantly complains and only allows it 2-3 times a month began to wear on me. All other forms of sexual contact were under strict rule setting and guilt ridden tactics designed to make sex a transaction or concession for her wants around the house/relationship.
6. Professional Help: She claims the pregnancy caused physical damage and it is painful to have sex. I had to nag her for 2 years to discuss the problem with her doctor. She had no desire to solve the problem. When she finally met with the Dr. she refused to try most of the suggestions. She finally engaged in counseling. The doc told me to be patient while she tried to work on her intimacy issues. I did my part and she barely made any progress. We repeated this cycle (me begging her to seek help, her getting help, me giving her space/support while she healed) for the last 6 years and she hasn't made any progress. I've made several improvements with how I treat her but there has literally been no change in her motivation or intimacy progress. She just doesn't care.
7. Fidelity: After begging for my wife to be my lover and friend for 5yrs, and her giving very little effort, she suggested me seeking sex outside of marriage. To this day she still thinks it's all about sexual release. I must confess how badly I missed a woman desiring me, laying closely with me, sleeping with me and enjoying my company. It sucks to get rejected by your own wife on a regular basis. When I slept with other girls I didn't tell my wife, even though she gave me open consent all the time. Eventually she asked if I had ever done it and I told her yes. Surprisingly she was vey upset and she felt very hurt that I did it. She also claimed it was never sanctioned because we never worked out the specific terms of the arrangement. She confessed that she suggested it with the hopes a release would make me nicer to her and less horny. After all that time she still didn't understand that release would not solve problems in our marriage.
8. Roommates: For the last 4-5yrs we have basically been roommates. she expects me to be the complete husband, helping her with everything around the house. Sadly she is only playing part of the wife role. I work all day while she is home alone (kids at school) and I come home just to work more for her. She expects me to do everything she wants yet my needs are completely unfulfilled.
9. Current Situation: After living as roommates with no emotional connection, I made one last ditch effort to save the marriage. I decided to give her everything she wanted, be the perfect husband/father and to gain her affection. Surprisingly she appreciated the effort but made no attempts to improve the intimacy. After 3 months of that we got in a huge fight because she wouldn't cuddle with me in bed on fathers day. After two days of fights, I told her I wanted a divorce. I'm tired of being the only one to try.
10. Divorce: I told her if she didn't aggressively try to repair her intimacy issues that I would leave ASAP. She sat emotionless when I mentioned the D and she said she needed to process the information. She came back two days later and told me she wanted to try counseling again. I was super frustrated when she also asked me to go get individual counseling. We both agree that her issues are related to her childhood and her mother raising kids in an abusive home. I've given her 7yrs and I'm unhappy.
Should I give any more time to a woman that isn't interested in a romantic relationship ever again? I think divorce is the best option for us and especially my kids.
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