My wife and I have been married since December 2013. Until one week ago, the first 18 months of marriage have been absolutely fantastic and we were having so much fun in this extended "honeymoon" phase of our relationship. What changed everything was finding out some hidden truths and omitted details about her relationship right before she met me and what continued after we were engaged. Let me back track to provide a timeline so it all makes more sense…
I met my wife via an online dating service in January 2013. I was a little skeptical of finding someone online, and even more leery of the fact that she was living overseas, significantly farther that anyone I had previously dated. We just started off with some nice online conversations, but soon it turned into everyday extended chats on Skype. By March 2013, I had an airline ticket booked to go and see her and vacation plans to go traveling together the entire summer. Things were moving fast, but being in my mid-30s at that point and feeling a little discouraged with where previous relationships had gone, I figured it was all worth a shot.
Throughout March and April we continuously talked online and were always getting along well and laughing. When we talked about past relationships, which really only happened in one conversation, we both acknowledged that the past wasn't really important and that if things went well in the summer, perhaps we had a bright future ahead of us. It was serious talk between two people who hadn't actually spent time together, but at the time I thought it was exciting to dream of all the possibilities.
In early May the first strange behavior occurred. We were chatting online and she mentioned nonchalantly that in two days she was going off to the beach with "friends" of hers. No big deal, I thought, and then I inquired, "who are they?" She responded by just calling them some "work friends" and I thought nothing of it.
The night before she left, she mentioned that she needed to go to bed early for her flight the next day to the beach. "A flight?" I asked. "I thought you said you were taking a bus?" She said the plans had changed. Again, I thought nothing of the inconsistency in her details. Then she added that she probably wouldn't message while she was gone. Once again, I thought little of this since it is normal to just enjoy your time on vacation and not have to take out extended time for online chats. Besides, we hadn't seen each other at this point. Why would I need to be jealous or suspicious. Later, this odd behavior made more sense when I learned what was actually happening in her life at the time, but I will get there later...
In mid-May, just days before I departed to meet her for the first time, there was the second odd/inconsistent behavior. At this point we talked everyday online and had a schedule around the time differences and work hours. Suddenly, for three days, I didn't get any messages from her. She disappeared. After 3 days I made an international phone call (we normally used skype and viber for free) and she answered her phone. She explained to me that she "had no wifi" for some days and apologized for the lack of communication. Again, it seemed plausible and I thought little of it. Later, I would find out what was really going on during this time...
From late May through the end of July we spent every day together. It was fantastic and we had such a fun time getting to know each other. We were compatible emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. I had so much fun that I did something crazy and asked her to marry me! Hell, we were both in our 30s and wanted to build a life together. She agreed and we set the wedding date for December 2013. A very fast engagement, yes, but part of the excitement was how fast and amazing everything was happening around me. During the summer together things seemed perfect, so I had few reservations about "rushing" into marriage. She was equally enthusiastic. Things seemed normal...
We were apart from September 2013 until our wedding December 2013. We chatted online everyday and planned our wedding via long distance arrangements. Since our wedding December 2013, we have been happily married and have only had a few small arguments. Then, a few weeks ago, things got rough…
I am partially to blame for bringing upon myself the current crisis. A few weeks ago, after eating lunch, I noticed my wife's old phone sitting next to the bed. I picked it up and began to play with it. Basically, I was spying on her private life by "playing" with her phone. What motivated me was not suspicion, but I realize now what I did was a violation of her privacy. In any case, what I found out shook me up. I discovered her previous bf was messaging and talking to her up through December 2013. The time she went away (May 2013) and disappeared for 3 days (May 2013) were the days she was with her boyfriend. It now made sense why she wasn't communicative at the time. She was basically cyber cheating on her bf. Remember, she met me via a dating site. When I arrived at the end of May 2013, she stopped messaging him for a month and was sleeping with me at that time. In July 2013, they broke up (they were messaging while I was staying with her) via phone and ceased communicating for some months. She never mentioned to him another man. In September 2013, after we were engaged, she began communicating with him via text and phone. They met for lunch 3 times as "friends" and apparently had no physical contact. She never mentioned to him that she was engaged. Their conversations at that time were flirtations. According to her ex-boyfriend, who is now furious he was cheated-on, the last time they were sexual with each other was May 2013, before I arrived. Based on this information, she never physically cheated on me. As a way of communicating with her ex, my wife had a secret, private facebook account named after her favorite love song she shared with him. She only deleted this account when I found out last week.
My wife says she is truly sorry and wants forgiveness. She reminds me that she never physically cheated on me and was wrong not to tell the ex about our engagement and marriage. Her ex, out of respect for me and anger towards her, says he wants no part of her life as long as he lives. He seems just as upset as I do, which makes sense since he was also deceived.
I want to forgive my wife and move on. However, I find myself so angry now and mistrustful/suspicious of her. On top of it all, she is now pregnant, so the fighting and questioning of my relationship is even more complicated. I thought I would be elated at the news of the pregnancy, but now I sometimes wish I found out about her past before this big change.
I want to believe that she will be more honest with me and something like this won't happen again. My parents (and her parents) say we should forget about the past and focus on the future and our family. But, if I am honest, sometimes I wish I learned of her ex before the wedding so I could have backed out earlier…
I'm so confused and still angry….
I met my wife via an online dating service in January 2013. I was a little skeptical of finding someone online, and even more leery of the fact that she was living overseas, significantly farther that anyone I had previously dated. We just started off with some nice online conversations, but soon it turned into everyday extended chats on Skype. By March 2013, I had an airline ticket booked to go and see her and vacation plans to go traveling together the entire summer. Things were moving fast, but being in my mid-30s at that point and feeling a little discouraged with where previous relationships had gone, I figured it was all worth a shot.
Throughout March and April we continuously talked online and were always getting along well and laughing. When we talked about past relationships, which really only happened in one conversation, we both acknowledged that the past wasn't really important and that if things went well in the summer, perhaps we had a bright future ahead of us. It was serious talk between two people who hadn't actually spent time together, but at the time I thought it was exciting to dream of all the possibilities.
In early May the first strange behavior occurred. We were chatting online and she mentioned nonchalantly that in two days she was going off to the beach with "friends" of hers. No big deal, I thought, and then I inquired, "who are they?" She responded by just calling them some "work friends" and I thought nothing of it.
The night before she left, she mentioned that she needed to go to bed early for her flight the next day to the beach. "A flight?" I asked. "I thought you said you were taking a bus?" She said the plans had changed. Again, I thought nothing of the inconsistency in her details. Then she added that she probably wouldn't message while she was gone. Once again, I thought little of this since it is normal to just enjoy your time on vacation and not have to take out extended time for online chats. Besides, we hadn't seen each other at this point. Why would I need to be jealous or suspicious. Later, this odd behavior made more sense when I learned what was actually happening in her life at the time, but I will get there later...
In mid-May, just days before I departed to meet her for the first time, there was the second odd/inconsistent behavior. At this point we talked everyday online and had a schedule around the time differences and work hours. Suddenly, for three days, I didn't get any messages from her. She disappeared. After 3 days I made an international phone call (we normally used skype and viber for free) and she answered her phone. She explained to me that she "had no wifi" for some days and apologized for the lack of communication. Again, it seemed plausible and I thought little of it. Later, I would find out what was really going on during this time...
From late May through the end of July we spent every day together. It was fantastic and we had such a fun time getting to know each other. We were compatible emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. I had so much fun that I did something crazy and asked her to marry me! Hell, we were both in our 30s and wanted to build a life together. She agreed and we set the wedding date for December 2013. A very fast engagement, yes, but part of the excitement was how fast and amazing everything was happening around me. During the summer together things seemed perfect, so I had few reservations about "rushing" into marriage. She was equally enthusiastic. Things seemed normal...
We were apart from September 2013 until our wedding December 2013. We chatted online everyday and planned our wedding via long distance arrangements. Since our wedding December 2013, we have been happily married and have only had a few small arguments. Then, a few weeks ago, things got rough…
I am partially to blame for bringing upon myself the current crisis. A few weeks ago, after eating lunch, I noticed my wife's old phone sitting next to the bed. I picked it up and began to play with it. Basically, I was spying on her private life by "playing" with her phone. What motivated me was not suspicion, but I realize now what I did was a violation of her privacy. In any case, what I found out shook me up. I discovered her previous bf was messaging and talking to her up through December 2013. The time she went away (May 2013) and disappeared for 3 days (May 2013) were the days she was with her boyfriend. It now made sense why she wasn't communicative at the time. She was basically cyber cheating on her bf. Remember, she met me via a dating site. When I arrived at the end of May 2013, she stopped messaging him for a month and was sleeping with me at that time. In July 2013, they broke up (they were messaging while I was staying with her) via phone and ceased communicating for some months. She never mentioned to him another man. In September 2013, after we were engaged, she began communicating with him via text and phone. They met for lunch 3 times as "friends" and apparently had no physical contact. She never mentioned to him that she was engaged. Their conversations at that time were flirtations. According to her ex-boyfriend, who is now furious he was cheated-on, the last time they were sexual with each other was May 2013, before I arrived. Based on this information, she never physically cheated on me. As a way of communicating with her ex, my wife had a secret, private facebook account named after her favorite love song she shared with him. She only deleted this account when I found out last week.
My wife says she is truly sorry and wants forgiveness. She reminds me that she never physically cheated on me and was wrong not to tell the ex about our engagement and marriage. Her ex, out of respect for me and anger towards her, says he wants no part of her life as long as he lives. He seems just as upset as I do, which makes sense since he was also deceived.
I want to forgive my wife and move on. However, I find myself so angry now and mistrustful/suspicious of her. On top of it all, she is now pregnant, so the fighting and questioning of my relationship is even more complicated. I thought I would be elated at the news of the pregnancy, but now I sometimes wish I found out about her past before this big change.
I want to believe that she will be more honest with me and something like this won't happen again. My parents (and her parents) say we should forget about the past and focus on the future and our family. But, if I am honest, sometimes I wish I learned of her ex before the wedding so I could have backed out earlier…
I'm so confused and still angry….
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