Hello everyone,
It's been a while since I posted anything, but some of the recent threads, like successful rugsweep and why do spouses cheat, have made me decide to tell more of my own story. I've been reluctant to do so, partly because I know many of you will just tell me to divorce and partly because of the inevitable judgements.
My H and I have been informally separated in our home since January. Ours is a long term marriage, going on 27 years this fall, that has almost always been difficult. We disagreed on some fundamental issues, such as child rearing, and my H has some serious OCD issues, hoarding being the one that has affected me the most. Our home has been a battleground, with me wanting to get rid of things and him refusing. We managed it through renting an expensive storage unit for the past 23 years and me just getting rid of things, like old newspapers and clothing. He was very angry whenever I tried to deal with his things, and all the anger eventually spilled over to our sexual relationship.
We have three children, but I have had six pregnancies. During those years, I wasn't as available to him as he wanted and he used that as an excuse to cheat repeatedly. At the time, I only knew that he acted like he hated me a lot of the times. His job necessitated working odd hours - nights, weekends, and holidays - so I didn't think much of it when he said he was staying downtown. In hindsight, I should have put it all together, but I was busy trying to keep things in order and our children were small and I didn't have any help.
Eventually, I found it when he confessed to one affair after I came across some old, unexplained credit card bills. This was almost seven years ago. I couldn't deal with it at the time, we were having severe financial problems, and then a series of family deaths, including his mother and then mine, were taking up my attention. Basically, I rug swept it and he was relieved to not have to talk about it. But, I couldn't stand to be intimate with him. In my mind, I was able to compartmentalize and still act like the devoted wife, but my body rebelled. I also decided to go back to work, partly because I vowed never to be financially dependent on another person again.
After about four years, I came up for air and started to take care of myself again, working out and losing weight. I also started to miss sex and decided to try to get past the betrayal, reasoning that the affair was by this time, ancient history and I had forgiven him. We went away for a night for our 25th anniversary and had sex for the first time in years. My body responded just fine, as he remembered well what I liked. But, he had trouble, and it was awkward and made me feel like a robot. There was no feeling there for me anymore and I realized that I didn't love him.
So, I panicked and slowly began an online EA with someone I met through a public forum. We progressed to sexting and, unbeknown to me at the time, my H was spying on me via a keylogger and had hacked all my passwords, including my phone and work email.
When he finally admitted to it, at first I was apologetic and vowed to stop. But, I also felt intense rage at what I viewed as his complete hypocrisy. He had a PA for years in complete secrecy and yet, he was acting like what I did was much worse. Long story short, I didn't stop at first, just went further underground. I have some insight now into why I behaved the way I did, but I'm not going to go into that now as it will just make this that much longer.
Anyhow, it all really blew up last fall when he finally admitted to first three affairs, then five, and acknowledged that it started when I was pregnant with our son, who i now sixteen. I was in a great deal of pain, both from his confession and having to say goodbye to my EA partner. I was also under a lot of stress with a full time job and an intense masters program I had started. I wanted to leave him, but agreed to marriage counseling.
He moved into the basement and, with some time and space, we are slowly trying to be friends again. He would like it to be more, he says he realized when he saw he was losing me that he loves me, but I don't think I can ever feel that kind of love for him again. He is worried that I will leave him in a year when my son graduates from high school and I am finished with the masters program and can get a better paying job.
I truly don't know where I will be at that point. I will be 57 years old and the thought of starting over again and tearing my family apart makes me think I will most likely stay. I think my H and I can settle into a companionable relationship, we had that for years before my revenge affair.
What I really want to know from all of you is this - how did you get past not knowing the real truth? In our MC and at home talks, I have accused him of doing much more than he has ever admitted to and he doesn't deny it. But, with my own history, there are emails I shared, etc. with my AP that he doesn't know about, so I don't feel like I can push him to be completely open. The bottom line is, how do I get past not knowing everything? Please don't say I have to be open about everything myself, I don't think he deserves my honesty because of all the lies he's told me.
Sorry for the length, and I actually need to go now to pick up my son, but I'll check in later and respond to any questions.
It's been a while since I posted anything, but some of the recent threads, like successful rugsweep and why do spouses cheat, have made me decide to tell more of my own story. I've been reluctant to do so, partly because I know many of you will just tell me to divorce and partly because of the inevitable judgements.
My H and I have been informally separated in our home since January. Ours is a long term marriage, going on 27 years this fall, that has almost always been difficult. We disagreed on some fundamental issues, such as child rearing, and my H has some serious OCD issues, hoarding being the one that has affected me the most. Our home has been a battleground, with me wanting to get rid of things and him refusing. We managed it through renting an expensive storage unit for the past 23 years and me just getting rid of things, like old newspapers and clothing. He was very angry whenever I tried to deal with his things, and all the anger eventually spilled over to our sexual relationship.
We have three children, but I have had six pregnancies. During those years, I wasn't as available to him as he wanted and he used that as an excuse to cheat repeatedly. At the time, I only knew that he acted like he hated me a lot of the times. His job necessitated working odd hours - nights, weekends, and holidays - so I didn't think much of it when he said he was staying downtown. In hindsight, I should have put it all together, but I was busy trying to keep things in order and our children were small and I didn't have any help.
Eventually, I found it when he confessed to one affair after I came across some old, unexplained credit card bills. This was almost seven years ago. I couldn't deal with it at the time, we were having severe financial problems, and then a series of family deaths, including his mother and then mine, were taking up my attention. Basically, I rug swept it and he was relieved to not have to talk about it. But, I couldn't stand to be intimate with him. In my mind, I was able to compartmentalize and still act like the devoted wife, but my body rebelled. I also decided to go back to work, partly because I vowed never to be financially dependent on another person again.
After about four years, I came up for air and started to take care of myself again, working out and losing weight. I also started to miss sex and decided to try to get past the betrayal, reasoning that the affair was by this time, ancient history and I had forgiven him. We went away for a night for our 25th anniversary and had sex for the first time in years. My body responded just fine, as he remembered well what I liked. But, he had trouble, and it was awkward and made me feel like a robot. There was no feeling there for me anymore and I realized that I didn't love him.
So, I panicked and slowly began an online EA with someone I met through a public forum. We progressed to sexting and, unbeknown to me at the time, my H was spying on me via a keylogger and had hacked all my passwords, including my phone and work email.
When he finally admitted to it, at first I was apologetic and vowed to stop. But, I also felt intense rage at what I viewed as his complete hypocrisy. He had a PA for years in complete secrecy and yet, he was acting like what I did was much worse. Long story short, I didn't stop at first, just went further underground. I have some insight now into why I behaved the way I did, but I'm not going to go into that now as it will just make this that much longer.
Anyhow, it all really blew up last fall when he finally admitted to first three affairs, then five, and acknowledged that it started when I was pregnant with our son, who i now sixteen. I was in a great deal of pain, both from his confession and having to say goodbye to my EA partner. I was also under a lot of stress with a full time job and an intense masters program I had started. I wanted to leave him, but agreed to marriage counseling.
He moved into the basement and, with some time and space, we are slowly trying to be friends again. He would like it to be more, he says he realized when he saw he was losing me that he loves me, but I don't think I can ever feel that kind of love for him again. He is worried that I will leave him in a year when my son graduates from high school and I am finished with the masters program and can get a better paying job.
I truly don't know where I will be at that point. I will be 57 years old and the thought of starting over again and tearing my family apart makes me think I will most likely stay. I think my H and I can settle into a companionable relationship, we had that for years before my revenge affair.
What I really want to know from all of you is this - how did you get past not knowing the real truth? In our MC and at home talks, I have accused him of doing much more than he has ever admitted to and he doesn't deny it. But, with my own history, there are emails I shared, etc. with my AP that he doesn't know about, so I don't feel like I can push him to be completely open. The bottom line is, how do I get past not knowing everything? Please don't say I have to be open about everything myself, I don't think he deserves my honesty because of all the lies he's told me.
Sorry for the length, and I actually need to go now to pick up my son, but I'll check in later and respond to any questions.
Put the internet to work for you.
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