Hi all- This is my first post. I am struggling with fear. My husband and I are really in debt. We have two young children, living in the very expensive San Francisco Bay area. We are living less than check-to-check, on credit cards and paying bills late. The short version of my history with this is that, before I got married, I was a person who "walks on water" in terms of credit (this from the mouth of a banker). Never late with payments. Never not paying off a credit card in full. Now I am at the opposite end of the pool, sinking further and further. But the fear is about the fact that my husband and I are completely polarized in terms of approach to finances. Here is a recent - simple but telling - example: He mentioned a few weeks ago that he wants to buy a digital camera on credit. He really wants it. He asked me about it as in the past (right after he moved back in from a two-month separation about 18 months ago) he bought a $1500 computer on credit, when we needed exactly that amount to get some dental work done for my daughter! So, sour feelings there. It was good that he asked me about it; I told him I wanted to think about it. Then a few days ago he brought it up again. I said that I could not tell him what to do with his money, but said in what I thought was a gentle manner that we have to make choices - so if that money goes to monthly payments on a camera, there are other things that won't get paid for. The list is VERY long, of obligations and debt, not to mention savings for a multitude of things. Later, he said "I guess I will wait a few months… the way you look at it/talk about it is a little harsh…"
Aaarrgh! I just can't believe how hard this is! I can't believe that he wants a digital camera (he already has a nice film one, and the iPhone 6), when we literally can't pay our monthly bills let alone take the kids out for ice-cream. Literally. My view is polar opposite: let's be creative and have fun with living frugally. Let's remember that we are often talk about not wanting to be, or valuing, "materialism." Let's remember that we owe people money; that our kids will be in college before we know it; that we are behind in retirement savings. It just goes on and on, but you get the point.
I am trying to be in the present, and not be fearful of or dwell on previous bad money conversations. But it's been years, and we are still struggling. When we were separated and seeing a family counselor, he said that all moneys within a married couple belong to both. I had said that if I had my way, I would put all our money in the middle of the table, pull out all the bill money, give each of us $25 to blow on miscellaneous whatevers, and then decide, together, what to do with the rest. When I mentioned that in a counseling session, the therapist was nodding his head, and basically said 'that's the idea; that's what you need to do." My husband was highly resistant.
I know that I fear and avoid conflict, and that my part in this has been that I have been less-than-communicative about what's happening. I know more about our balances because I pay all the bills except for 2-3 that are for his personal things like his cell phone, and some small credit cards. My fear is partly my fault, my lack of courage, but also based on many bad experiences in the past trying to work with him on this. I have tried so many ways to approach it and non seem to work.
Thanks for reading. I welcome all comments, advice and support!
Aaarrgh! I just can't believe how hard this is! I can't believe that he wants a digital camera (he already has a nice film one, and the iPhone 6), when we literally can't pay our monthly bills let alone take the kids out for ice-cream. Literally. My view is polar opposite: let's be creative and have fun with living frugally. Let's remember that we are often talk about not wanting to be, or valuing, "materialism." Let's remember that we owe people money; that our kids will be in college before we know it; that we are behind in retirement savings. It just goes on and on, but you get the point.
I am trying to be in the present, and not be fearful of or dwell on previous bad money conversations. But it's been years, and we are still struggling. When we were separated and seeing a family counselor, he said that all moneys within a married couple belong to both. I had said that if I had my way, I would put all our money in the middle of the table, pull out all the bill money, give each of us $25 to blow on miscellaneous whatevers, and then decide, together, what to do with the rest. When I mentioned that in a counseling session, the therapist was nodding his head, and basically said 'that's the idea; that's what you need to do." My husband was highly resistant.
I know that I fear and avoid conflict, and that my part in this has been that I have been less-than-communicative about what's happening. I know more about our balances because I pay all the bills except for 2-3 that are for his personal things like his cell phone, and some small credit cards. My fear is partly my fault, my lack of courage, but also based on many bad experiences in the past trying to work with him on this. I have tried so many ways to approach it and non seem to work.
Thanks for reading. I welcome all comments, advice and support!
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