In January of this year I developed a girl crush on a medical professional that I visited a few times. Last month she reached out to me and said she'd be willing to begin a friendship.
The crush went away and with help from a marriage counselor, I came to the conclusion that although a lil' bit of the connection I felt to this professional was due to a lack of intimacy in the marriage, the majority of it was due to my fear of having an attachment to women. I was sexually assaulted at 15, became very promiscuous thereafter and the only thing "real" were my female friendships- and I tested those constantly and those women walked away from me. After I met my husband, I built a wall and it's been 14 years since I've had a connection to a woman like that.
I'm so confused and lost when it comes to this friendship.
This woman has said a few times, that she's a bad friend. She doesn't text/call and is old-school, that if you want to see her, invite her to dinner or to go shopping; the friends she has had for over 20 years, she only sees about 1-2 times a year.
I've made it clear that I want a deeper friendship with her than that. That consists of maybe saying "hi" via text once a week, and maybe seeing one another once or twice a month. We've been facebook messaging back and forth, with her not putting that much effort into it.
Two weeks ago, I messaged her that I thought it was best for me to walk away because this isn't the friendship I wanted and she couldn't offer me what I wanted. This was BEFORE we were facebook friends. She then said she was sorry, to send the FB request, and that we sounded like we had a lot in common. I sent it, then she didn't respond for 5 days. Actually, her message was "OMG, we are so much alike, I think we're going to be great friends, so please send the friend request right away." Then 5 days, nothing.
Because it was apparent to me at the time, I sent her a message thanking her for her time and told her that I was making her a priority, while she was making me an option and we were on two different pages and it was best to excuse myself from the situation. I included my phone number and said "if you ever really wanna give this a shot and be real friends, you have my number." I then blocked the messages on facebook, fearing she would feel compelled to reply. 10 minutes later, my phone goes off via text and it says that she's being sincere, is inviting me to dinner, and wants to begin a legit friendship.
We go to dinner, she seems authentic and genuinely interested in what I have to say. She says she hopes that we hang out again and the next day, I told her that I had a nice time and invite her to the movies, to which she jumps at the opportunity and we make a date for the beginning of next month. She then says that she's going to text me pics of a place she and her family are going to.
Then, nothing. And I feel bad for wanting to say "hi" "to her via text. She hasn't reached out to me at all.
I want a friendship that consists of maybe a "hi" once in a while. I'm not sure what upside there is in it for me if we see one another once a month, you've already said you're a bad friend, and it seems coincidental that each time I pull away, she reels me back in and that kicks up her effort, only to fall back to the way she is.
Because of my issues and my connection to her, I'd like to have a friendship where I see her a lil' more than once a month. I don't know if I"m doing more harm to myself, than good, by staying in this. I don't know how to extract myself. I know I can't tell her about it, because she'll only reel me back in like she already has.
The connection to her is what is making me want something more than a once a month friend and I keep fooling myself into thinking that eventually, she may be close to me too.
Am I being out of line for expecting this from her? I don't feel bad when I talk to my other friends and reach out to them via text. I don't overthink things there. I'm so lost with this, because of that emotional attachment to her, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.
She certainly knows how I feel and what this means to me. I've never downplayed that.
My husband's advice last night was "look, if you want a deeper friendship with her, it comes down to 2 things: you walk away from this because she can't offer that, and know that's fine or you accept it for what it is and know that's fine too. Either way, it's what YOU want. And if you don't want this, you need to walk away."
I guess I answered my own question. I want to extract myself from this situation, the healthiest way that I can.
The crush went away and with help from a marriage counselor, I came to the conclusion that although a lil' bit of the connection I felt to this professional was due to a lack of intimacy in the marriage, the majority of it was due to my fear of having an attachment to women. I was sexually assaulted at 15, became very promiscuous thereafter and the only thing "real" were my female friendships- and I tested those constantly and those women walked away from me. After I met my husband, I built a wall and it's been 14 years since I've had a connection to a woman like that.
I'm so confused and lost when it comes to this friendship.
This woman has said a few times, that she's a bad friend. She doesn't text/call and is old-school, that if you want to see her, invite her to dinner or to go shopping; the friends she has had for over 20 years, she only sees about 1-2 times a year.
I've made it clear that I want a deeper friendship with her than that. That consists of maybe saying "hi" via text once a week, and maybe seeing one another once or twice a month. We've been facebook messaging back and forth, with her not putting that much effort into it.
Two weeks ago, I messaged her that I thought it was best for me to walk away because this isn't the friendship I wanted and she couldn't offer me what I wanted. This was BEFORE we were facebook friends. She then said she was sorry, to send the FB request, and that we sounded like we had a lot in common. I sent it, then she didn't respond for 5 days. Actually, her message was "OMG, we are so much alike, I think we're going to be great friends, so please send the friend request right away." Then 5 days, nothing.
Because it was apparent to me at the time, I sent her a message thanking her for her time and told her that I was making her a priority, while she was making me an option and we were on two different pages and it was best to excuse myself from the situation. I included my phone number and said "if you ever really wanna give this a shot and be real friends, you have my number." I then blocked the messages on facebook, fearing she would feel compelled to reply. 10 minutes later, my phone goes off via text and it says that she's being sincere, is inviting me to dinner, and wants to begin a legit friendship.
We go to dinner, she seems authentic and genuinely interested in what I have to say. She says she hopes that we hang out again and the next day, I told her that I had a nice time and invite her to the movies, to which she jumps at the opportunity and we make a date for the beginning of next month. She then says that she's going to text me pics of a place she and her family are going to.
Then, nothing. And I feel bad for wanting to say "hi" "to her via text. She hasn't reached out to me at all.
I want a friendship that consists of maybe a "hi" once in a while. I'm not sure what upside there is in it for me if we see one another once a month, you've already said you're a bad friend, and it seems coincidental that each time I pull away, she reels me back in and that kicks up her effort, only to fall back to the way she is.
Because of my issues and my connection to her, I'd like to have a friendship where I see her a lil' more than once a month. I don't know if I"m doing more harm to myself, than good, by staying in this. I don't know how to extract myself. I know I can't tell her about it, because she'll only reel me back in like she already has.
The connection to her is what is making me want something more than a once a month friend and I keep fooling myself into thinking that eventually, she may be close to me too.
Am I being out of line for expecting this from her? I don't feel bad when I talk to my other friends and reach out to them via text. I don't overthink things there. I'm so lost with this, because of that emotional attachment to her, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.
She certainly knows how I feel and what this means to me. I've never downplayed that.
My husband's advice last night was "look, if you want a deeper friendship with her, it comes down to 2 things: you walk away from this because she can't offer that, and know that's fine or you accept it for what it is and know that's fine too. Either way, it's what YOU want. And if you don't want this, you need to walk away."
I guess I answered my own question. I want to extract myself from this situation, the healthiest way that I can.
Put the internet to work for you.
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