So, it is a year on from when I decided to leave my wife for cheating on me (refer to thread "Over her cheating but now she "needs space"").
It has been the longest year of my life and I am amidst a new relationship that is now 6 months old.
I have learnt an enormous amount about myself, my marriage and the woman who I thought was my life partner and a person I could trust with my life.
So, having returned from a wonderful holiday with my new woman, she turns to me and says "I want to talk to you about planning a future together. But if you aren't ready, you need to let me know"
Needless to say, I have been in a whirlpool of confusion since that comment and decided to go to counselling this morning. From that, I have determined;
1. I am still VERY hurt and still in a state of disbelief of what my wife did, why she didn't save the marriage and what sort of person she really was.
2. Superficial appearance became the cornerstone of my marriage as there was little in the way of a deep and meaningful connection (not in the way that I know it now). That didn't stop me from living a fantasy where I loved that person very deeply though.
3. My new girl is the most amazing person I have ever met and is the polar opposite of my wife. Chemical attraction and sex is also amazing.
4. I fight my mind about how physically attractive I find my new girl, knowing full well that I am subconsciously affected by point 2. I battle with this, but I have begun to see her in a different way as I slowly heal from by wife's betrayal.
The reason I wrote this post is to remind people who have been cheated on to accept that it can (and probably will) take years to recover.
Also a reminder that we don't give ourselves enough time and space to heal.
Also that many people (like myself) jump into new relationships way too quickly.
I thought I was getting so much better but the pain is still with me and cuts deep every time I think about it.
So in response to her request, I will need to tell her that I am still deeply hurt and I am not ready to commit or fall in love with her. It hurts me deeply to do this to such a sweet woman. The truth hurts, but she deserves it. At least then she can make a decision about what she wants to do.
It has been the longest year of my life and I am amidst a new relationship that is now 6 months old.
I have learnt an enormous amount about myself, my marriage and the woman who I thought was my life partner and a person I could trust with my life.
So, having returned from a wonderful holiday with my new woman, she turns to me and says "I want to talk to you about planning a future together. But if you aren't ready, you need to let me know"
Needless to say, I have been in a whirlpool of confusion since that comment and decided to go to counselling this morning. From that, I have determined;
1. I am still VERY hurt and still in a state of disbelief of what my wife did, why she didn't save the marriage and what sort of person she really was.
2. Superficial appearance became the cornerstone of my marriage as there was little in the way of a deep and meaningful connection (not in the way that I know it now). That didn't stop me from living a fantasy where I loved that person very deeply though.
3. My new girl is the most amazing person I have ever met and is the polar opposite of my wife. Chemical attraction and sex is also amazing.
4. I fight my mind about how physically attractive I find my new girl, knowing full well that I am subconsciously affected by point 2. I battle with this, but I have begun to see her in a different way as I slowly heal from by wife's betrayal.
The reason I wrote this post is to remind people who have been cheated on to accept that it can (and probably will) take years to recover.
Also a reminder that we don't give ourselves enough time and space to heal.
Also that many people (like myself) jump into new relationships way too quickly.
I thought I was getting so much better but the pain is still with me and cuts deep every time I think about it.
So in response to her request, I will need to tell her that I am still deeply hurt and I am not ready to commit or fall in love with her. It hurts me deeply to do this to such a sweet woman. The truth hurts, but she deserves it. At least then she can make a decision about what she wants to do.
Put the internet to work for you.
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