I'm struggling with how to move forward with my wife. Here's the background. We have been together for 15 years, friends for 18 years, married for 12, and have three children (2, 6 & 9). About three years ago my wife struck up a relationship with a fellow from her work. They had an emotional affair (she said it was not physical, but was very attracted to him) with him. During this time she became pregnant with our third child. During her emotional affair our sex life heated up dramatically... She agreed to cut off all communication with the fellow and did (she gave me access to her email and accounts to monitor if I wanted). All seemed good in our relationship and with our family.
About 1 year ago I lost my job and we were forced to move out of company housing. Losing my job and housing put our family into a bit of a tailspin... It was tough on me and the family. My wife was able to apply for a job that was a promotion for her (more pay) and was located near her parents. We relocated there, living with her parents, and found some stability for our children with the local school & grandparents helps. I started consulting with many of the clients that I had worked with previously which required 3-4 days away each week. My wife started working 60+ hours a week, basically leaving before the kids got up and coming home just before there bedtime. This was stressful on the family and living in with the grandparents was stressful. My wife slipped into not having to take care of the kids, cleaning, cooking and really had no responsibility other than her job.
We decided to reduce the stress of living with her parents we would find house close to them to maintain the kids in school and still have some help from the grandparents. We did and moved in. I committed to reducing my time on the road and took over taking care of the family. I still consult and go on the road, but for shorter time periods. The Grandparents help while I'm gone. My wife stayed busy with work and doesn't help much with family/home matters. I can deal with this, but she started to become much more distant.
I discovered recently that she has been searching on the internet for information about a man she works with. Looking into polyamourous relationships (how to convince your partner it's a good idea). Flirts through texting and email with the person she is searching on the internet about (to the best of my knowledge their relationship has been confined to the work setting). Today I see that she has started emailing with the fellow she had an "emotional affair" with 3 years ago. She's distant to me, not around much, and sex with her feels like she's doing an unpleasant chore (she's not interested in spicing it up).
We've had a very difficult past year with lots of ups and downs. I've been depressed at times, but have also been pushing forward with life - trying to redefine myself outside of the job I lost (I really was wrapped up in it). I've put on weight and know that I'm not as attractive to her (I've been overweight most of my life), but am working on more exercise and getting bariatric surgery. There have been times when I haven't been as present as I probably should have been. I own that I'm not perfect...
Three years ago I "fought" for our relationship, it was hard but I found a counselor, talked openly and frankly with my wife, supported her by not leaving & doing my best not to judge. I'm struggling now because I feel like she is on the brink of having another affair and is not "present" with me. Mostly our interactions feel cold and mechanical, mundane. I love my wife and family, but don't think I have it in me to be the only carrying the relationship or the energy to "fight" for her. My reactionary side says confront her about her interactions with these two guys and talk about next steps in our relationship. Basically, if she is going to screw around again I'd like to leave beforehand. She can start dealing with the kids, home, and her work. I'm not sure how to move forward and am feeling the more flight than fight.
About 1 year ago I lost my job and we were forced to move out of company housing. Losing my job and housing put our family into a bit of a tailspin... It was tough on me and the family. My wife was able to apply for a job that was a promotion for her (more pay) and was located near her parents. We relocated there, living with her parents, and found some stability for our children with the local school & grandparents helps. I started consulting with many of the clients that I had worked with previously which required 3-4 days away each week. My wife started working 60+ hours a week, basically leaving before the kids got up and coming home just before there bedtime. This was stressful on the family and living in with the grandparents was stressful. My wife slipped into not having to take care of the kids, cleaning, cooking and really had no responsibility other than her job.
We decided to reduce the stress of living with her parents we would find house close to them to maintain the kids in school and still have some help from the grandparents. We did and moved in. I committed to reducing my time on the road and took over taking care of the family. I still consult and go on the road, but for shorter time periods. The Grandparents help while I'm gone. My wife stayed busy with work and doesn't help much with family/home matters. I can deal with this, but she started to become much more distant.
I discovered recently that she has been searching on the internet for information about a man she works with. Looking into polyamourous relationships (how to convince your partner it's a good idea). Flirts through texting and email with the person she is searching on the internet about (to the best of my knowledge their relationship has been confined to the work setting). Today I see that she has started emailing with the fellow she had an "emotional affair" with 3 years ago. She's distant to me, not around much, and sex with her feels like she's doing an unpleasant chore (she's not interested in spicing it up).
We've had a very difficult past year with lots of ups and downs. I've been depressed at times, but have also been pushing forward with life - trying to redefine myself outside of the job I lost (I really was wrapped up in it). I've put on weight and know that I'm not as attractive to her (I've been overweight most of my life), but am working on more exercise and getting bariatric surgery. There have been times when I haven't been as present as I probably should have been. I own that I'm not perfect...
Three years ago I "fought" for our relationship, it was hard but I found a counselor, talked openly and frankly with my wife, supported her by not leaving & doing my best not to judge. I'm struggling now because I feel like she is on the brink of having another affair and is not "present" with me. Mostly our interactions feel cold and mechanical, mundane. I love my wife and family, but don't think I have it in me to be the only carrying the relationship or the energy to "fight" for her. My reactionary side says confront her about her interactions with these two guys and talk about next steps in our relationship. Basically, if she is going to screw around again I'd like to leave beforehand. She can start dealing with the kids, home, and her work. I'm not sure how to move forward and am feeling the more flight than fight.
Put the internet to work for you.
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