I've been married for not quite 13 years now and have a 3 year old daughter (who, as far as I'm concerned, the sun rises and sets over!). It took us a very long time to conceive her - and at many points were told we would never have children.
My relationship with my wife is awful. Back in May, she was going through my phone (which she does all the time) and found a professional photo of an attorney friend of mine in my photos. (My friend was having a new photo taken for her firm's website - so it was truly a professional photo). She asked who it was. I told her. She then proceeded to go through all of my work and personal email to find a "smoking gun". There isn't one. We were then, and are now, good friends. Nothing more. (Note: the photo was sent to me and asked me what I thought of it. My literal reply - nice photo. It'll look good on the webpage.) Despite the lack of a smoking gun, she picked up our daughter and left the house for a week accusing me of having a sexual relationship with this woman.
During the week she was gone, I sought the advice of, and retained, a divorce attorney. I was prepared to file and push the issue of a) returning our daughter and b) seeking custody of our daughter as well. We talked throughout the week and I backed down on filing. She returned home and admitted to me "I know you're not sleeping with that woman. But you are still having an affair."
Now we just fight constantly. Every night it is something different. It often revolves around my "girlfriend/mistress/*****" depending on the pejorative term of the day.
I am gainfully employed and make a good living. She doesn't work outside of the house electing to stay home and be with our daughter which I have fully supported. However, our daughter now goes to school three days a week for between 3 and 4 hours a day. During this time, nothing is done at our house. No grocery shopping, no cleaning, no laundry, etc. I work in excess of 60 hours a week (between office and night time work), have a second very, very part time gig (not for money but because it keeps my real estate license active), end up doing most of the cleaning in the house, all of my laundry and much of our daughters, 75% of the cooking, 75-80% of the grocery shopping, etc.
We've had problems for many years and I've ignored them and enabled a lot of this behavior. We are in marriage counselling which isn't going well. I gave up years ago (before our daughter) and just went with the flow. (I know, shame on me). She controls every dime of our finances - including checking the credit card statements on line 2 or 3 times per day. If I go to lunch with someone from my office and it isn't billable, I will get a text or an email from her asking "Who did you go to lunch with?". She exchanges text messages with a girlfriend about me that range from "I'm leading him down the path of complacency to tell him to FO when I'm good and ready" to "I know's he's with that ***** again." etc. When I confronted her about these her response was "You were never meant to see those."
She's accused me of being bi-polar and clinically depressed (of which there is probably some validity to the second part of that) . I have also discovered that our largest bank accounts of ready cash do not have my name on them (I don't know how that happened) and she will not add my name or provide me online access to see them. She calls me multiple times per day at the office to see "What's going on?". If I don't call her back if she gets my VM, she starts calling other people I work with. I've finally shared with my senior leadership team members (of which I am a member) some of what is going on to help alleviate the rumor mill and have stated that, if necessary, I'd take a leave of absence to keep this out of the office to avoid further distraction to our core business objectives right now.
I'm just tired - mentally, physically, and emotionally. My office is in upheaval right now (we survived the economic downturn just fine but now have issues), so there is a lot of stress and pressure there, and I don't want to go home. I find myself retreating to work more and more to get away. When I do go home, I often sit in the driveway for 10 minutes or more to avoid going in the house because I never know what I'm going to walk into. I'm having physical issues with all of the stress (lots of stomach issues, biting my fingernails and cuticles, etc.) and have recently started to drink again. (I essentially quit several years ago for health reasons.)
I've talked to a lot of my friends all of whom have unequivocally stated that I need to get the hell out. I know in my mind it is never going to get any better. She has put some of our joint friends in untenable positions and burned a lot of bridges already.
We don't have any appreciable physical relationship either. We once went over a year without sex. After this, she offered up sex a couple of times and I just didn't even want to bother. The couple of times we had sex recently, I just faked an orgasm each time to be done. (Apparently convincingly!) She alternates between the extremes of "I want another baby" (but apparently without sex) to "I'm sleeping in the other room." (For the last 6 years we really haven't shared a bed at all.)
If it wasn't for my 3 year old, I'd be done already. I love her - we spent a lot of time together. I just am not in love with her anymore. When her parents were divorced it took 8 years - her father kept bringing in new attorneys and seeking continuances. I suspect that she would do the same thing.
I know this is very disjointed post, for which I apologize. I've been seeing an individual therapist (in addition to MC) which is helping me address some of my past baggage. But I just can't seem to pull the trigger. I need some advice from others who have been here. I'm concerned that a) I'll never be able to see my baby girl and b) that this will screw up my daughter. Yet at the same time, I don't think the whole situation is healthy for my daughter anyway. It not about the money either - I'd pretty much give her everything if that's what it comes down to. I just don't care about the money enough.
At what point do you just say "enough" and walk away. I will say that if somehow I was awarded custody of my daughter (primary, residential) I would be in fear of her safety and mine. I do think that my wife has some mental issues (for which she refuses to seek treatment) - mental illness runs in her family. She's already threatened a "Chernobyl" like divorce if we go that route. She has threatened to try and have me fired and have me disbarred (I am also an attorney - just not a divorce attorney).
Any thoughts anyone has would be greatly appreciated. I need to know if anyone else has been here, how it worked out, is there life after filing, etc. I've shared with my therapist that I'm certain this will literally kill me very early if I don't make a change. A good friend of mine told me the other day "I know you have a lot of stress, but you look like hell and look the worst I've ever seen you in the last 10 years." I feel trapped in a really bad spot with no good answers.
Thanks.....
My relationship with my wife is awful. Back in May, she was going through my phone (which she does all the time) and found a professional photo of an attorney friend of mine in my photos. (My friend was having a new photo taken for her firm's website - so it was truly a professional photo). She asked who it was. I told her. She then proceeded to go through all of my work and personal email to find a "smoking gun". There isn't one. We were then, and are now, good friends. Nothing more. (Note: the photo was sent to me and asked me what I thought of it. My literal reply - nice photo. It'll look good on the webpage.) Despite the lack of a smoking gun, she picked up our daughter and left the house for a week accusing me of having a sexual relationship with this woman.
During the week she was gone, I sought the advice of, and retained, a divorce attorney. I was prepared to file and push the issue of a) returning our daughter and b) seeking custody of our daughter as well. We talked throughout the week and I backed down on filing. She returned home and admitted to me "I know you're not sleeping with that woman. But you are still having an affair."
Now we just fight constantly. Every night it is something different. It often revolves around my "girlfriend/mistress/*****" depending on the pejorative term of the day.
I am gainfully employed and make a good living. She doesn't work outside of the house electing to stay home and be with our daughter which I have fully supported. However, our daughter now goes to school three days a week for between 3 and 4 hours a day. During this time, nothing is done at our house. No grocery shopping, no cleaning, no laundry, etc. I work in excess of 60 hours a week (between office and night time work), have a second very, very part time gig (not for money but because it keeps my real estate license active), end up doing most of the cleaning in the house, all of my laundry and much of our daughters, 75% of the cooking, 75-80% of the grocery shopping, etc.
We've had problems for many years and I've ignored them and enabled a lot of this behavior. We are in marriage counselling which isn't going well. I gave up years ago (before our daughter) and just went with the flow. (I know, shame on me). She controls every dime of our finances - including checking the credit card statements on line 2 or 3 times per day. If I go to lunch with someone from my office and it isn't billable, I will get a text or an email from her asking "Who did you go to lunch with?". She exchanges text messages with a girlfriend about me that range from "I'm leading him down the path of complacency to tell him to FO when I'm good and ready" to "I know's he's with that ***** again." etc. When I confronted her about these her response was "You were never meant to see those."
She's accused me of being bi-polar and clinically depressed (of which there is probably some validity to the second part of that) . I have also discovered that our largest bank accounts of ready cash do not have my name on them (I don't know how that happened) and she will not add my name or provide me online access to see them. She calls me multiple times per day at the office to see "What's going on?". If I don't call her back if she gets my VM, she starts calling other people I work with. I've finally shared with my senior leadership team members (of which I am a member) some of what is going on to help alleviate the rumor mill and have stated that, if necessary, I'd take a leave of absence to keep this out of the office to avoid further distraction to our core business objectives right now.
I'm just tired - mentally, physically, and emotionally. My office is in upheaval right now (we survived the economic downturn just fine but now have issues), so there is a lot of stress and pressure there, and I don't want to go home. I find myself retreating to work more and more to get away. When I do go home, I often sit in the driveway for 10 minutes or more to avoid going in the house because I never know what I'm going to walk into. I'm having physical issues with all of the stress (lots of stomach issues, biting my fingernails and cuticles, etc.) and have recently started to drink again. (I essentially quit several years ago for health reasons.)
I've talked to a lot of my friends all of whom have unequivocally stated that I need to get the hell out. I know in my mind it is never going to get any better. She has put some of our joint friends in untenable positions and burned a lot of bridges already.
We don't have any appreciable physical relationship either. We once went over a year without sex. After this, she offered up sex a couple of times and I just didn't even want to bother. The couple of times we had sex recently, I just faked an orgasm each time to be done. (Apparently convincingly!) She alternates between the extremes of "I want another baby" (but apparently without sex) to "I'm sleeping in the other room." (For the last 6 years we really haven't shared a bed at all.)
If it wasn't for my 3 year old, I'd be done already. I love her - we spent a lot of time together. I just am not in love with her anymore. When her parents were divorced it took 8 years - her father kept bringing in new attorneys and seeking continuances. I suspect that she would do the same thing.
I know this is very disjointed post, for which I apologize. I've been seeing an individual therapist (in addition to MC) which is helping me address some of my past baggage. But I just can't seem to pull the trigger. I need some advice from others who have been here. I'm concerned that a) I'll never be able to see my baby girl and b) that this will screw up my daughter. Yet at the same time, I don't think the whole situation is healthy for my daughter anyway. It not about the money either - I'd pretty much give her everything if that's what it comes down to. I just don't care about the money enough.
At what point do you just say "enough" and walk away. I will say that if somehow I was awarded custody of my daughter (primary, residential) I would be in fear of her safety and mine. I do think that my wife has some mental issues (for which she refuses to seek treatment) - mental illness runs in her family. She's already threatened a "Chernobyl" like divorce if we go that route. She has threatened to try and have me fired and have me disbarred (I am also an attorney - just not a divorce attorney).
Any thoughts anyone has would be greatly appreciated. I need to know if anyone else has been here, how it worked out, is there life after filing, etc. I've shared with my therapist that I'm certain this will literally kill me very early if I don't make a change. A good friend of mine told me the other day "I know you have a lot of stress, but you look like hell and look the worst I've ever seen you in the last 10 years." I feel trapped in a really bad spot with no good answers.
Thanks.....
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