I have a situation that I'm having a hard time with, and would really appreciate others insight:
I have been in a pretty good marriage for 15 years. We love each other and have had a fairly happy, healthy marriage (at least I thought so). I have never even thought of straying and NEVER even considered my wife would.
A few days ago, I noticed some messages on my wife's FB from a guy I didn't know. It turned out to be an ex-BF, which was strange because we have been together since high school (with a little bit of on-and-off) and I know about all her other relationships. She had been communicating with this guy for a couple years, and it appeared she had also been texting and calling him at times. There was nothing really incriminating in the messages, but she did tell him that she was struggling with some things and our marriage was not good. A few years ago, I had was in a business that failed - I got behind on taxes, mortgage payments, etc. and hid this from her. This obviously caused some problems in our marriage, but we were able to work through it, and put the issues behind us and are now in a more stable financial position. However, some of her messages suggesting struggles have been within the past year, long since our issues have been resolved.
When I confronted her, she admitted to being in contact with him, but denied any sort of physical or emotional relationship. She admitted to meeting him once for coffee. Although I believed her, I was really distraught over the whole thing, and felt betrayed. She also admitted that she told him our relationship was not good because she needed someone to talk to about our financial problems.
The most disturbing thing was that one of his messages contained an old letter he had written about his romance with my wife. It contained details about their relationship , from which I deduced that they had dated while I was away working out in the Alaskan bush for several week rotations (this was spring/summer of '98, we got married in spring '99; we had dated exclusively for at least 4-5 years prior, and got engaged in winter of '97/'98). I also figured out that my wife and I were engaged at the time! I was really crushed to find I did not know anything about this and that she had kept this from me. The letter suggested that they had slept together and that she had said she had loved him.
So, when I confronted her about the FB messages from this guy, I had asked her about the original relationship, and she said it was so long ago she didn't remember much. She said they didn't have sex, and then when I pushed her on the issue, she said she didn't remember. She also said the relationship was before we were engaged.
So as you can see, she was lying to me about the previous relationship because she did not want to admit some things. This has rocked my trust in her, and it is hard for me to believe her that nothing happened between them recently (over the last 2-3 years since she has been in contact with him on FB, texts, phone calls). I am also doubting the basis of our relationship since she was cheating while we were engaged.
Her response is that was so far in the past that it doesn't matter now, and she claims to have been completely faithful in our marriage. She just keeps stressing that she had to go through such a difficult time all by herself (when my business was failing and we were having financial issues), and that she stood by me at that time. She expects me to believe/trust in her and do the same. She adamantly does not want to end the marriage and freaked out when I told her I was going to move out.
I need some opinions on where to go from here!
Thanks for listening.
P.S. The guy she was speaking to (lets call him "Mike") is divorced.
I have been in a pretty good marriage for 15 years. We love each other and have had a fairly happy, healthy marriage (at least I thought so). I have never even thought of straying and NEVER even considered my wife would.
A few days ago, I noticed some messages on my wife's FB from a guy I didn't know. It turned out to be an ex-BF, which was strange because we have been together since high school (with a little bit of on-and-off) and I know about all her other relationships. She had been communicating with this guy for a couple years, and it appeared she had also been texting and calling him at times. There was nothing really incriminating in the messages, but she did tell him that she was struggling with some things and our marriage was not good. A few years ago, I had was in a business that failed - I got behind on taxes, mortgage payments, etc. and hid this from her. This obviously caused some problems in our marriage, but we were able to work through it, and put the issues behind us and are now in a more stable financial position. However, some of her messages suggesting struggles have been within the past year, long since our issues have been resolved.
When I confronted her, she admitted to being in contact with him, but denied any sort of physical or emotional relationship. She admitted to meeting him once for coffee. Although I believed her, I was really distraught over the whole thing, and felt betrayed. She also admitted that she told him our relationship was not good because she needed someone to talk to about our financial problems.
The most disturbing thing was that one of his messages contained an old letter he had written about his romance with my wife. It contained details about their relationship , from which I deduced that they had dated while I was away working out in the Alaskan bush for several week rotations (this was spring/summer of '98, we got married in spring '99; we had dated exclusively for at least 4-5 years prior, and got engaged in winter of '97/'98). I also figured out that my wife and I were engaged at the time! I was really crushed to find I did not know anything about this and that she had kept this from me. The letter suggested that they had slept together and that she had said she had loved him.
So, when I confronted her about the FB messages from this guy, I had asked her about the original relationship, and she said it was so long ago she didn't remember much. She said they didn't have sex, and then when I pushed her on the issue, she said she didn't remember. She also said the relationship was before we were engaged.
So as you can see, she was lying to me about the previous relationship because she did not want to admit some things. This has rocked my trust in her, and it is hard for me to believe her that nothing happened between them recently (over the last 2-3 years since she has been in contact with him on FB, texts, phone calls). I am also doubting the basis of our relationship since she was cheating while we were engaged.
Her response is that was so far in the past that it doesn't matter now, and she claims to have been completely faithful in our marriage. She just keeps stressing that she had to go through such a difficult time all by herself (when my business was failing and we were having financial issues), and that she stood by me at that time. She expects me to believe/trust in her and do the same. She adamantly does not want to end the marriage and freaked out when I told her I was going to move out.
I need some opinions on where to go from here!
Thanks for listening.
P.S. The guy she was speaking to (lets call him "Mike") is divorced.
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