This is the first time I've ever posted on a forum but I have gotten to a point where I cry and worry everyday over my marriage of 3 years and need some outsider opinions!
Basically I have found myself in a situation where I feel very emotionally and physically distant from my husband. I am not sure if it is because I still love him but am depressed because he is not satisfying my needs, or if I am not in love with him and looking for problems or way out of the relationship. Either way, I find myself crying most days and spending hours analysing or pin pointing the issue.
When we met I was in a really happy point in my life, everything was going well for me, and when I met my husband I imagined that life would only get better. Roll on 6 years......
Our relationship has always been turbulent, we are both strong characters which has caused no end of arguments - there has been an evident power struggle from day one. My husband is a great provider and would never see me go without, however he lacks empathy (and has finally admitted it) and does not realise when he is disrespectful or causing me pain. He can be very dominating and controlling which he learned from his father. As an example, the other week he suggested that I took a day off work because i was stressed. I said I didn't want to, which lead to a very upsetting 3 hour argument. He basically couldn't handle the fact that I wanted to make my own decision about something that only affected me, so he went on and on and on about it for hours saying that I HAD TO take a day off. The argument ended up being about power and control as it always does, and not about actually taking a day off (which most people wouldn't bother arguing about anyway). I was crying tel ling him to stop going on about it, I locked myself in the bathroom and he sat outside still going on about it, then finally I gave in (just so he would stop harassing me) and he turned around and said 'I don't want you to just agree with me..' and the argument continued, I couldn't win! It wasn't until the next day that he realised how much he upset me and brought flowers etc and said sorry. It was too late then, the pain was there, the person who is supposed to protect me emotionally wore my self respect down and made me feel like I can't make my own decisions, again. He forgets about it, things carry on as normal but I am still deeply hurt and worn out from the emotional hangover of it all. It is the resentment from arguments like these that have built up over the years to make me feel utterly confused about our feelings for each other.
Without going into too much detail the other ways he disrespects me is by saying things like 'look at me, I'm never going to end up with a model am I' in front of a group of friends, he can't see that this statement is insulting me. His ego is important to him and it seems like when we are out with other people he is always putting on this 'show' that he is fun, outgoing, always up for a laugh, however when he is with me he is a tense person and always so concerned with getting things done, like chores, decorating etc. If I suggest a holiday it is like a chore to him, I love travelling but if I suggest going away he is not keen, whereas if his mates suggest going away he is excited and is researching and planning the trip. We don't have fun together anymore, even though I always suggest doing new things together.
He looks at women in the street and seeks attention from people when we are out, he LOVES to be noticed which makes me feel threatened as it is more important to him to be noticed by others than just spending quality time with me. I am starting to not care about this though as if I say anything he says I am being jealous.
He didn't bother buying me a birthday gift and only arranging to go out for a meal at the last minute when he realised that I was a bit upset that he hadn't bothered to plan anything.
It was never liked this before we married, its like we got married and now he sees me just as a wife and not a friend/lover. I am bored with the marriage and have started to thing about what my life would be like if I left, I honestly think that if I left he would be with someone else within a couple of months anyway (he has always had girlfriends) I feel that unimportant to him now.
Aside from all of this he does surprise me sometimes and takes me out for dinner, he suggested yesterday that he wanted to take me to a hotel for a break. He is not all bad, but from what he says and what he does, I am confused as to where I stand with him. I am constant pre occupied with the relationship but he seems to think that everything is OK. I started to go off sex about 18 months ago and I think this is because of the painful arguments and put downs from him. I don't desire him anymore but still have a deep love for him...whether this is enough I don't know.
On top of this I am 9 months pregnant, we are both excited about the baby, although I am very concerned about our arguments and constant power struggle. I suggested marriage counselling because I want our child to be brought up in an emotionally balanced house. He agreed to go, thankfully.
I have tried talking to him on a number of occasions but he gets defensive and we end up having a major row before any real listening gets done, and I don't have the energy for it anymore. I feel emotionally drained, even if I decide to leave him I don't think I would have the strength to follow it through.
I worry about what the future holds for us, I am fearful of the outcome, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of our baby.
Sorry this is so long and muddled!
Izzy x
Basically I have found myself in a situation where I feel very emotionally and physically distant from my husband. I am not sure if it is because I still love him but am depressed because he is not satisfying my needs, or if I am not in love with him and looking for problems or way out of the relationship. Either way, I find myself crying most days and spending hours analysing or pin pointing the issue.
When we met I was in a really happy point in my life, everything was going well for me, and when I met my husband I imagined that life would only get better. Roll on 6 years......
Our relationship has always been turbulent, we are both strong characters which has caused no end of arguments - there has been an evident power struggle from day one. My husband is a great provider and would never see me go without, however he lacks empathy (and has finally admitted it) and does not realise when he is disrespectful or causing me pain. He can be very dominating and controlling which he learned from his father. As an example, the other week he suggested that I took a day off work because i was stressed. I said I didn't want to, which lead to a very upsetting 3 hour argument. He basically couldn't handle the fact that I wanted to make my own decision about something that only affected me, so he went on and on and on about it for hours saying that I HAD TO take a day off. The argument ended up being about power and control as it always does, and not about actually taking a day off (which most people wouldn't bother arguing about anyway). I was crying tel ling him to stop going on about it, I locked myself in the bathroom and he sat outside still going on about it, then finally I gave in (just so he would stop harassing me) and he turned around and said 'I don't want you to just agree with me..' and the argument continued, I couldn't win! It wasn't until the next day that he realised how much he upset me and brought flowers etc and said sorry. It was too late then, the pain was there, the person who is supposed to protect me emotionally wore my self respect down and made me feel like I can't make my own decisions, again. He forgets about it, things carry on as normal but I am still deeply hurt and worn out from the emotional hangover of it all. It is the resentment from arguments like these that have built up over the years to make me feel utterly confused about our feelings for each other.
Without going into too much detail the other ways he disrespects me is by saying things like 'look at me, I'm never going to end up with a model am I' in front of a group of friends, he can't see that this statement is insulting me. His ego is important to him and it seems like when we are out with other people he is always putting on this 'show' that he is fun, outgoing, always up for a laugh, however when he is with me he is a tense person and always so concerned with getting things done, like chores, decorating etc. If I suggest a holiday it is like a chore to him, I love travelling but if I suggest going away he is not keen, whereas if his mates suggest going away he is excited and is researching and planning the trip. We don't have fun together anymore, even though I always suggest doing new things together.
He looks at women in the street and seeks attention from people when we are out, he LOVES to be noticed which makes me feel threatened as it is more important to him to be noticed by others than just spending quality time with me. I am starting to not care about this though as if I say anything he says I am being jealous.
He didn't bother buying me a birthday gift and only arranging to go out for a meal at the last minute when he realised that I was a bit upset that he hadn't bothered to plan anything.
It was never liked this before we married, its like we got married and now he sees me just as a wife and not a friend/lover. I am bored with the marriage and have started to thing about what my life would be like if I left, I honestly think that if I left he would be with someone else within a couple of months anyway (he has always had girlfriends) I feel that unimportant to him now.
Aside from all of this he does surprise me sometimes and takes me out for dinner, he suggested yesterday that he wanted to take me to a hotel for a break. He is not all bad, but from what he says and what he does, I am confused as to where I stand with him. I am constant pre occupied with the relationship but he seems to think that everything is OK. I started to go off sex about 18 months ago and I think this is because of the painful arguments and put downs from him. I don't desire him anymore but still have a deep love for him...whether this is enough I don't know.
On top of this I am 9 months pregnant, we are both excited about the baby, although I am very concerned about our arguments and constant power struggle. I suggested marriage counselling because I want our child to be brought up in an emotionally balanced house. He agreed to go, thankfully.
I have tried talking to him on a number of occasions but he gets defensive and we end up having a major row before any real listening gets done, and I don't have the energy for it anymore. I feel emotionally drained, even if I decide to leave him I don't think I would have the strength to follow it through.
I worry about what the future holds for us, I am fearful of the outcome, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of our baby.
Sorry this is so long and muddled!
Izzy x
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