I've been married for 16+ years, most of those years happy with a loving man that was a bit emotionally unavailable. I spend a lot of time nurturing his needs & reassuring him of my love which I thought was being attentive. About 4 years ago he went through this really deep dark depression & pushed me away completely. During this time I realized that I had allowed the entire time of our marriage to be consumed with his needs, denying my own. Not only that but I allowed his insecurities to drive away any family & friends we had. I had no support group, no one to talk to, I only had him. This was fine when he was my best friend, but he turned away from me during this depression & I had no one. Simply.. I begged him for attention in every way possible & was repeatedly denied. I began an EA, which was totally unintentional. I had no friends or family & needed someone to talk to. I quickly ended it when I realized it turned into an EA & admitted it to my Husband but it destroyed his trust in me. He proceeded to attack me emotionally & made me feel inhuman. At one point he even told the kids I don't love them anymore. We went to therapy for 3 months & the therapist told him he has a borderline personality & needs to be medicated. He took it as an attack as well & refused going again.
This was a year & a half ago. I spend most of last summer trying to make amends, but was rejected by him tracking my phone records & reading my emails. Treating me as if he owned me & expected me to do all he demanded without hesitation or question. I finally stepped back & saw my behavior was feeding into what could be considered emotional abuse. It's something we may have been teetering on for our entire marriage. When I finally began to withdraw & work on myself he finally began to engaged. He still was in my email & phone tracking my every move & word. It just feels like all the engagement he is giving is with the expectation of reward. He's not doing it to help us.
I've begged for therapy... Well, no go.... I see no other way but to ask for a separation. I love this man dearly & really he is a wonderful father. All I need from him is to see me, to let me cry & hug me, to tell me he will fight my fears with me & be my foundation again. I say this to him & he said "no, you need to give me reassurances" then proceeds to tell me the last time we had sex. So here's the deal, he & I want the same thing. We want the other to be there whole heartedly. We both want reassurances, friendship, love, & support. Neither of us are budging. Since we are stuck in this repeat conversation, I would like to write it in a letter & read it to him, just to get it out, that I would like to try a trial separation. I'm hoping you can give me some ideas. I don't want to walk away from this as an enemy. I truly do want to work on this.
**Do you know of any beautiful sweet words I could use to simply say... we are broken, & I love you. I want to love you always & feel you to love me, but in order for us both to grow we need time to heal from the damage we have already done....?
This was a year & a half ago. I spend most of last summer trying to make amends, but was rejected by him tracking my phone records & reading my emails. Treating me as if he owned me & expected me to do all he demanded without hesitation or question. I finally stepped back & saw my behavior was feeding into what could be considered emotional abuse. It's something we may have been teetering on for our entire marriage. When I finally began to withdraw & work on myself he finally began to engaged. He still was in my email & phone tracking my every move & word. It just feels like all the engagement he is giving is with the expectation of reward. He's not doing it to help us.
I've begged for therapy... Well, no go.... I see no other way but to ask for a separation. I love this man dearly & really he is a wonderful father. All I need from him is to see me, to let me cry & hug me, to tell me he will fight my fears with me & be my foundation again. I say this to him & he said "no, you need to give me reassurances" then proceeds to tell me the last time we had sex. So here's the deal, he & I want the same thing. We want the other to be there whole heartedly. We both want reassurances, friendship, love, & support. Neither of us are budging. Since we are stuck in this repeat conversation, I would like to write it in a letter & read it to him, just to get it out, that I would like to try a trial separation. I'm hoping you can give me some ideas. I don't want to walk away from this as an enemy. I truly do want to work on this.
**Do you know of any beautiful sweet words I could use to simply say... we are broken, & I love you. I want to love you always & feel you to love me, but in order for us both to grow we need time to heal from the damage we have already done....?
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