Hello everyone,
I am a long time lurker, and have finally gotten the courage to write.
I have been with my husband for 18 years (we are high school sweethearts). We got married five years ago.
January 27, 2014: I discovered the name of a psychologist on his cell phone. I asked him about it, and was stunned when he said "Because it's been 18 years, I love you and I don`t want to throw it all away" That was the first time he had ever indicated anything was wrong. Our sex life was wonderful, we had not been fighting. He would constantly tell me loves me, and very affectionate. He left 2 days later and stayed at his mother's house. 24 hours after leaving, he was pushing me to sell our house and to get a divorce. So I made an arrangement with him to pay for the mortgage indefinitely. He had his tattoo (with my name on it) redone 72 hours later.
The reason he gave me for leaving him was this: when we were 18 years old, me and him decided to lie about his level of education (because my family would not accept him) he agreed to and participated in this lie for almost 10 years, never indicating it was a problem. His family openly knew about it, and we never really discussed it again. He said this lie destroyed him, he couldn't respect himself, and that I had forced him to do this and he didn't have a choice.
After he left, he admitted to me that he had kissed a girl 3 days before he left (at a bar). Four days after he left me, he told me he had slept with her (I saw the hotel reciept, 700$ for one night...second time he saw her).
February to March: After 2 months living with his mother (and having a relationship with her, he moved into a condo. He would text me every second day "I miss you, do you need me to do anything in the house?" I would periodically answer the texts. He made no attempt to see me. Nor would he call me. I finally do 3 weeks of NC. He showed up at my parents house, crying and begging me to come back to him. I agreed, as I loved him. That night he broke it off with the girl (he says).
April to May
In the last month, my husband has shown up at my work and followed me around for an entire day begging for a second chance. Shown up at my parents 3 times begging to try again. He appears sincere, tells me he loves me. And explains that he`s so lucky I'm still willing to take him back. He is very loving. Says he's broken it off with her. I take him back every time. But this lasts at most 5 days, until we fight, or he goes to counseling. Then he says "I can't take what you did to me etc" and goes back to her. He says that it's because I destroyed him with my lie, and his self respect hurt, as is his ego and pride and it has nothing to do with the other girl...that she's a distraction...But I don't believe that.
He told me the following about her:
She's a secretery
When she slept with him on the second date she said "I'm not usually like this" he laughed and thought to himself "Yeah right"
Eventhough she dresses really skanky doesn't mean she has no morals.
She's like a doll and needs to have every guy's attention
When he walks around with her, she dresses so sexy that men turn around to look at her.
At one point, I got so sad hearing about her, that I asked him "why are you always telling me how sexy she is? It makes me feel bad."
May 24-25 (during yet another period where he had broken up with me), he had booked a weekend trip with her. I gave him an ultimatum. "If you go with her, it's over, so think about this before you do it". 6 hours before he was supposed to leave, he showed up at my house, begging me to go with him, that he chose me and that he loved me, please come with him. He c called her to tell her it was over. He said she hated him for cancelling 6 hours before their weekend getaway.
We went away and had a great weekend. On the way back, he stopped to make a key for me, because he wanted me to move in with him right away. He brought me to the condo and showed me around. At that point, I got very very stressed because I didn't know if this is what I wanted. He then got very stressed and said "how am I going to cope with your family hating me?" That night, he asked me to come over after hockey, I told him "Maybe tomorrow"
He wanted to know why I was changing my mind, "I told him it was stressful for me" Then the next morning he was texted me that he wanted a STAT divorce and for me to sell the house... (In retrospect I wonder if he ended having the OW over?)
May 29 After speaking a lot to his family (who don't recognize this new person, they think he's bipolar due to erratic and rash decisions...that are really unlike him) they suggested it was time to put my foot down, because being supportive wasn't working.
So I texted him "You have until August to sell the house. I won't pay the mortgage anymore, nor will I pay for upkeep" He knows I love the house, and would fight tooth and nail for it.
May 30 The following day, he didn't go to work, and mowed the lawn.
That night, I went and cleaned out all my things.
May 31 Morning after he got a realtor, and cleaned out his things.
June 1 The next morning he called and texted me "I need to speak to you" I ignored him. He then texted my MOTHER that he needed to speak to me and to have me call him. My mother texted back that if it had anything to do with sale of the house or divorce that he could leave the papers with her.
June 3 , he left me a note in the bedroom saying "I filled out divorce papers, please respect my decision"
I have been no contact for 14 days. I have never begged or pleaded with him to change his mind. (I don't understand the *please respect my decision*
He is blocked on my cell phone (most of the time) but has not made any attempts to see me.
I went to a lawyer yesturday and they say he does not have grounds to file for divorce (In our province, 1 year separation needed, or adultery (accusation can only be made by betrayed spouse). In addition, since we went away only 10 days ago, this constitutes a recounciliation, and the 1 year waiting period has been reset!!!!!!
Also, we did 4 sessions of marriage counseling (His request!!!) which went really well. But he would decompensate right after, and then break up with me, and start contacting her. After 4 sessions, he started individual counseling for a few sessions.
I'm so confused about this erratic behavior. I don't think he has a psychiatric condition, and wonder if this is affair fog? Or major ambivalence about the relationship? He cries all the time (previous to this, he only cried once in our entire relationship). He keeps telling me his mind says he can't forgive me, but his heart loves me and it's driving him crazy. I could probably call him and convince him to change his mind about the divorce, but history shows, it won`t last anyways...and his family feels tough love is the only way to go.
I'm so hurt about this. I don't want to get divorced. If this is affair fog or infatuation, I'm willing to wait. The divorce lawyer said there seemed to be *instability* on his part and that time would help.
I'm torn between NC, and continue tough love, and calling him and trying to work it out. Can anyone please give me insight?
I am a long time lurker, and have finally gotten the courage to write.
I have been with my husband for 18 years (we are high school sweethearts). We got married five years ago.
January 27, 2014: I discovered the name of a psychologist on his cell phone. I asked him about it, and was stunned when he said "Because it's been 18 years, I love you and I don`t want to throw it all away" That was the first time he had ever indicated anything was wrong. Our sex life was wonderful, we had not been fighting. He would constantly tell me loves me, and very affectionate. He left 2 days later and stayed at his mother's house. 24 hours after leaving, he was pushing me to sell our house and to get a divorce. So I made an arrangement with him to pay for the mortgage indefinitely. He had his tattoo (with my name on it) redone 72 hours later.
The reason he gave me for leaving him was this: when we were 18 years old, me and him decided to lie about his level of education (because my family would not accept him) he agreed to and participated in this lie for almost 10 years, never indicating it was a problem. His family openly knew about it, and we never really discussed it again. He said this lie destroyed him, he couldn't respect himself, and that I had forced him to do this and he didn't have a choice.
After he left, he admitted to me that he had kissed a girl 3 days before he left (at a bar). Four days after he left me, he told me he had slept with her (I saw the hotel reciept, 700$ for one night...second time he saw her).
February to March: After 2 months living with his mother (and having a relationship with her, he moved into a condo. He would text me every second day "I miss you, do you need me to do anything in the house?" I would periodically answer the texts. He made no attempt to see me. Nor would he call me. I finally do 3 weeks of NC. He showed up at my parents house, crying and begging me to come back to him. I agreed, as I loved him. That night he broke it off with the girl (he says).
April to May
In the last month, my husband has shown up at my work and followed me around for an entire day begging for a second chance. Shown up at my parents 3 times begging to try again. He appears sincere, tells me he loves me. And explains that he`s so lucky I'm still willing to take him back. He is very loving. Says he's broken it off with her. I take him back every time. But this lasts at most 5 days, until we fight, or he goes to counseling. Then he says "I can't take what you did to me etc" and goes back to her. He says that it's because I destroyed him with my lie, and his self respect hurt, as is his ego and pride and it has nothing to do with the other girl...that she's a distraction...But I don't believe that.
He told me the following about her:
She's a secretery
When she slept with him on the second date she said "I'm not usually like this" he laughed and thought to himself "Yeah right"
Eventhough she dresses really skanky doesn't mean she has no morals.
She's like a doll and needs to have every guy's attention
When he walks around with her, she dresses so sexy that men turn around to look at her.
At one point, I got so sad hearing about her, that I asked him "why are you always telling me how sexy she is? It makes me feel bad."
May 24-25 (during yet another period where he had broken up with me), he had booked a weekend trip with her. I gave him an ultimatum. "If you go with her, it's over, so think about this before you do it". 6 hours before he was supposed to leave, he showed up at my house, begging me to go with him, that he chose me and that he loved me, please come with him. He c called her to tell her it was over. He said she hated him for cancelling 6 hours before their weekend getaway.
We went away and had a great weekend. On the way back, he stopped to make a key for me, because he wanted me to move in with him right away. He brought me to the condo and showed me around. At that point, I got very very stressed because I didn't know if this is what I wanted. He then got very stressed and said "how am I going to cope with your family hating me?" That night, he asked me to come over after hockey, I told him "Maybe tomorrow"
He wanted to know why I was changing my mind, "I told him it was stressful for me" Then the next morning he was texted me that he wanted a STAT divorce and for me to sell the house... (In retrospect I wonder if he ended having the OW over?)
May 29 After speaking a lot to his family (who don't recognize this new person, they think he's bipolar due to erratic and rash decisions...that are really unlike him) they suggested it was time to put my foot down, because being supportive wasn't working.
So I texted him "You have until August to sell the house. I won't pay the mortgage anymore, nor will I pay for upkeep" He knows I love the house, and would fight tooth and nail for it.
May 30 The following day, he didn't go to work, and mowed the lawn.
That night, I went and cleaned out all my things.
May 31 Morning after he got a realtor, and cleaned out his things.
June 1 The next morning he called and texted me "I need to speak to you" I ignored him. He then texted my MOTHER that he needed to speak to me and to have me call him. My mother texted back that if it had anything to do with sale of the house or divorce that he could leave the papers with her.
June 3 , he left me a note in the bedroom saying "I filled out divorce papers, please respect my decision"
I have been no contact for 14 days. I have never begged or pleaded with him to change his mind. (I don't understand the *please respect my decision*
He is blocked on my cell phone (most of the time) but has not made any attempts to see me.
I went to a lawyer yesturday and they say he does not have grounds to file for divorce (In our province, 1 year separation needed, or adultery (accusation can only be made by betrayed spouse). In addition, since we went away only 10 days ago, this constitutes a recounciliation, and the 1 year waiting period has been reset!!!!!!
Also, we did 4 sessions of marriage counseling (His request!!!) which went really well. But he would decompensate right after, and then break up with me, and start contacting her. After 4 sessions, he started individual counseling for a few sessions.
I'm so confused about this erratic behavior. I don't think he has a psychiatric condition, and wonder if this is affair fog? Or major ambivalence about the relationship? He cries all the time (previous to this, he only cried once in our entire relationship). He keeps telling me his mind says he can't forgive me, but his heart loves me and it's driving him crazy. I could probably call him and convince him to change his mind about the divorce, but history shows, it won`t last anyways...and his family feels tough love is the only way to go.
I'm so hurt about this. I don't want to get divorced. If this is affair fog or infatuation, I'm willing to wait. The divorce lawyer said there seemed to be *instability* on his part and that time would help.
I'm torn between NC, and continue tough love, and calling him and trying to work it out. Can anyone please give me insight?
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