This is my first post here, I have pretty much searched all over the net for advice but there are so many different situations and opinions that it is hard to get through it all.
So, I hope I can get an objective outlook on my current situation and how I am dealing with it.
I've been with my gf for close to 3 years now (I'm 32, she's 26). For me it was only a matter of time for me to propose to her (putting the money aside etc..). I thought things were going ok, but I had been going through some rough time finishing my studies and then having a job which made me miserable. I am a very solid guy and never quit, but this was hard on me and I probably leaned a little too much on my gf during this tough time. I finally quit the job 2 months ago and have been feeling much better.
However my whole future is very uncertain, and although I am used to dealing with that, she isn't.
She cheated on me for about a month, before finally admitting it to me, unable to take the guilt anymore. I had made it clear in the past that such a thing would be the end of it all for me, so she waited and waited before telling me, not wanting to "hurt" me and finish the relationship I guess.
Well, I burst out in anger at first, and in pain, and then collected my thoughts and talked with her, and talked and talked a lot. I understood how she had been unhappy for the last few months. She began getting distant, and got into contact with an old friend (ex) of hers, and finally cheated on me a weekend when she was away (she works on weekends in another city) and 2-3 times after that.
I told her I could give her another chance, if she completely cut all contacts with the other guy. She agreed, although was not too enthusiastic about it. She also started seeing a psy to help her open up about various issues she has.
Well, has pretty much cut contact with him (she tells me) but I think its him more than her that cut the contact. She still has him on facebook and the last time we talked I insisted she blocked him completely. She said she would do it, and that she hasn't talked to him since anyway. However I now regret not asking her to do it right away in front of me as I'm sure she still hasn't.
So, now we are trying to fix things, but we are not in the same city at the moment, she works in her hometown for the summer, and we won't be living together again until October (and even that is not sure yet since I am waiting for a job offer). We only live 1h15 away from each other though so I often drive over there or she comes over here.
The problem I have right now is about sex. She couldn't get enough of it before her affair (which was part of the reason for her getting distant), but now she just can't. We've had sex 2-3 times after her affair but she cries everytime, and it is more sex than it is lovemaking.
She knows this and we've talked about it and I'm just not sure if she's still thinking about that other guy or what. She's still unsure we can fix things up, even though we've spent a lot of good times together over the last month. It just seems like a lot of ups and downs. I am wondering if in time, her appetite for sex with me will come back, or if it is a symptom of something hiding and that I should push her some more to get to the bottom of it.
We were really good together, she's basically my best friend as much as my lover, and I want to make it work and know I could forgive her given sufficient time. I've been in other relationships before and I know this one is worth fighting for. But at the moment it seems I am working more towards recovery than she is. I also have been too obsessive about her (often sending texts/calling), and she told me she needed a little room to breathe, which I'm trying to work on. We are seeing each other 2-3 nights/week for the moment, and often having nice conversations over the phone. Its just that when we're together and kissing, she stops short/blocks as soon as she feels it goes for more (towards sex).
Sorry for the long post, but there is so much to tell and it is so complicated :(
So, I hope I can get an objective outlook on my current situation and how I am dealing with it.
I've been with my gf for close to 3 years now (I'm 32, she's 26). For me it was only a matter of time for me to propose to her (putting the money aside etc..). I thought things were going ok, but I had been going through some rough time finishing my studies and then having a job which made me miserable. I am a very solid guy and never quit, but this was hard on me and I probably leaned a little too much on my gf during this tough time. I finally quit the job 2 months ago and have been feeling much better.
However my whole future is very uncertain, and although I am used to dealing with that, she isn't.
She cheated on me for about a month, before finally admitting it to me, unable to take the guilt anymore. I had made it clear in the past that such a thing would be the end of it all for me, so she waited and waited before telling me, not wanting to "hurt" me and finish the relationship I guess.
Well, I burst out in anger at first, and in pain, and then collected my thoughts and talked with her, and talked and talked a lot. I understood how she had been unhappy for the last few months. She began getting distant, and got into contact with an old friend (ex) of hers, and finally cheated on me a weekend when she was away (she works on weekends in another city) and 2-3 times after that.
I told her I could give her another chance, if she completely cut all contacts with the other guy. She agreed, although was not too enthusiastic about it. She also started seeing a psy to help her open up about various issues she has.
Well, has pretty much cut contact with him (she tells me) but I think its him more than her that cut the contact. She still has him on facebook and the last time we talked I insisted she blocked him completely. She said she would do it, and that she hasn't talked to him since anyway. However I now regret not asking her to do it right away in front of me as I'm sure she still hasn't.
So, now we are trying to fix things, but we are not in the same city at the moment, she works in her hometown for the summer, and we won't be living together again until October (and even that is not sure yet since I am waiting for a job offer). We only live 1h15 away from each other though so I often drive over there or she comes over here.
The problem I have right now is about sex. She couldn't get enough of it before her affair (which was part of the reason for her getting distant), but now she just can't. We've had sex 2-3 times after her affair but she cries everytime, and it is more sex than it is lovemaking.
She knows this and we've talked about it and I'm just not sure if she's still thinking about that other guy or what. She's still unsure we can fix things up, even though we've spent a lot of good times together over the last month. It just seems like a lot of ups and downs. I am wondering if in time, her appetite for sex with me will come back, or if it is a symptom of something hiding and that I should push her some more to get to the bottom of it.
We were really good together, she's basically my best friend as much as my lover, and I want to make it work and know I could forgive her given sufficient time. I've been in other relationships before and I know this one is worth fighting for. But at the moment it seems I am working more towards recovery than she is. I also have been too obsessive about her (often sending texts/calling), and she told me she needed a little room to breathe, which I'm trying to work on. We are seeing each other 2-3 nights/week for the moment, and often having nice conversations over the phone. Its just that when we're together and kissing, she stops short/blocks as soon as she feels it goes for more (towards sex).
Sorry for the long post, but there is so much to tell and it is so complicated :(
Put the internet to work for you.
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