Hi there,
It's a lovely Mother's day and I'm not feeling the love.
My wife just asked me for a divorce this morning and I'm still in shock so please excuse the scrambled thoughts. This might get long as I'm probably dumping...
Let me explain our situation a bit:
I'm a Nice Guy (not in a good way). I only got attention as a kid when I stopped being myself. I had to solve my parents' marital problems, stop my mother from killing herself, and had an ultra-strict father. I was raised to do what my parents told me without thinking. No physical abuse, but emotionally I was neglected. My brother passed away when I was still in school and after that my parents glued themselves onto me - help with strings attached mostly, but I was the only one who could keep things sane.
I learned to do things to please others. It's deeply engrained, but it's fake. It's really a front because I crave the attention, recognition, companionship and love that I never got when I was a child. Most people think I'm a great guy, but that's only because they don't see through the mask - and it works. My wife though has seen through the mask (duh) and just sees the needy and demanding husband.
I do have my moments though. I have realized why I am the way I am and have endeavoured to change myself. I think I have made progress, but still have a long way to go.
My wife is a Nice Girl too. She came from a very poor family with an alcoholic father. Just like me, she craves attention and recognition too and wants someone who just knows what to do and can do it right away. She has an incredibly short fuse and gets angry at the smallest things. She loves watching those Korean TV dramas where all the men are just perfect - let's just say "fantasy princes". I have to say she has her moments too. She is a fantastic mother (most of the time) and works hard for her family. Sometimes she feels satisfied with her/our life, and all is good.
As you might imagine, two needy people are kinda asking for trouble. Neither of us manage to live up to the others' expectations. This build up with pent-up disappointment, resentment that eventually leads to irrational anger. It takes a lot of effort from both of us to break these this twin negative spirals.
She did threaten to leave on so many occasions that I have lost count. It happened so often that I started to ignore it. This time, I believe she is serious. It's the first time she brooded on something for 3 weeks, the first time she asked for a divorce, and the first time she moved into the spare bedroom.
What set it off? I've been stressed out a lot these days. I've seen a second round of sweeping lay-offs in the workplace, the remainder of us are all overworked and stressed. We're pulling our son from the expensive private school because we can't afford it any more, leading to more stress for the both of us. We've had a vacancy in our basement suite, with huge renovations needed - all done ourselves, leading to even more stress and tiredness. Both of us have lapsed into our old patterns. I started to work harder doing chores, but with the expectation that she would acknowledge and become happy that I did so. She wanted more (in reality not more, but different) help than I could give her.
Now she's had enough. She will move to China, leaving me here with our son.
Some more background: I earn 5 times as much as her per hour, she works casual part time, I work full time and more. She will have a really hard time to survive financially if she goes on her own. Our son is the type who needs a village to raise him, not just one parent. Our son is really demanding because he is exceptionally bright. He tires out his parents a lot - to the point of his mom giving him flak for making her work so hard - she sometimes goes on to ranting about how hard it was for her to give birth to him etc.
So - As hard as it is living with her near-perpetual anger, I really don't want to do this to her, to my son and I admit, to myself. Financially, emotionally and practically.
It will be hard financially for her, and since I'm not a heartless bastard, I feel it to be fair to give her the money that she deserves and needs to start afresh. It will be hard for me financially too - we are just making ends meet, and giving her money will make it harder to make those ends meet in the future. We currently share all our finances, bank accounts, investments, the works.
It will be hard emotionally for all of us, especially for my son. I don't want him to blame himself for this. He already is showing some pleasing behaviour and I worry he might fall into the same "pleasing others" trap as I have.
It will be hard practically too - before and after-school care is pretty spotty and kids activity hours are all aimed at the "typical" family where the husband works and the wife is 100% free to attend to the kids during the day. I have to work long hours as an Engineer, and I worry that I will not be able to devote enough time to him.
I want to either fix this relationship (she says she does not want to), or if we have no choice but ending it, I want to do it right.
Any advice on what I should do? She says by summer (it's already here), she'll be gone. I don't want to do this wrong and while I understand she wants to get it over and done with, I think she is rushing it.
It's a lovely Mother's day and I'm not feeling the love.
My wife just asked me for a divorce this morning and I'm still in shock so please excuse the scrambled thoughts. This might get long as I'm probably dumping...
Let me explain our situation a bit:
I'm a Nice Guy (not in a good way). I only got attention as a kid when I stopped being myself. I had to solve my parents' marital problems, stop my mother from killing herself, and had an ultra-strict father. I was raised to do what my parents told me without thinking. No physical abuse, but emotionally I was neglected. My brother passed away when I was still in school and after that my parents glued themselves onto me - help with strings attached mostly, but I was the only one who could keep things sane.
I learned to do things to please others. It's deeply engrained, but it's fake. It's really a front because I crave the attention, recognition, companionship and love that I never got when I was a child. Most people think I'm a great guy, but that's only because they don't see through the mask - and it works. My wife though has seen through the mask (duh) and just sees the needy and demanding husband.
I do have my moments though. I have realized why I am the way I am and have endeavoured to change myself. I think I have made progress, but still have a long way to go.
My wife is a Nice Girl too. She came from a very poor family with an alcoholic father. Just like me, she craves attention and recognition too and wants someone who just knows what to do and can do it right away. She has an incredibly short fuse and gets angry at the smallest things. She loves watching those Korean TV dramas where all the men are just perfect - let's just say "fantasy princes". I have to say she has her moments too. She is a fantastic mother (most of the time) and works hard for her family. Sometimes she feels satisfied with her/our life, and all is good.
As you might imagine, two needy people are kinda asking for trouble. Neither of us manage to live up to the others' expectations. This build up with pent-up disappointment, resentment that eventually leads to irrational anger. It takes a lot of effort from both of us to break these this twin negative spirals.
She did threaten to leave on so many occasions that I have lost count. It happened so often that I started to ignore it. This time, I believe she is serious. It's the first time she brooded on something for 3 weeks, the first time she asked for a divorce, and the first time she moved into the spare bedroom.
What set it off? I've been stressed out a lot these days. I've seen a second round of sweeping lay-offs in the workplace, the remainder of us are all overworked and stressed. We're pulling our son from the expensive private school because we can't afford it any more, leading to more stress for the both of us. We've had a vacancy in our basement suite, with huge renovations needed - all done ourselves, leading to even more stress and tiredness. Both of us have lapsed into our old patterns. I started to work harder doing chores, but with the expectation that she would acknowledge and become happy that I did so. She wanted more (in reality not more, but different) help than I could give her.
Now she's had enough. She will move to China, leaving me here with our son.
Some more background: I earn 5 times as much as her per hour, she works casual part time, I work full time and more. She will have a really hard time to survive financially if she goes on her own. Our son is the type who needs a village to raise him, not just one parent. Our son is really demanding because he is exceptionally bright. He tires out his parents a lot - to the point of his mom giving him flak for making her work so hard - she sometimes goes on to ranting about how hard it was for her to give birth to him etc.
So - As hard as it is living with her near-perpetual anger, I really don't want to do this to her, to my son and I admit, to myself. Financially, emotionally and practically.
It will be hard financially for her, and since I'm not a heartless bastard, I feel it to be fair to give her the money that she deserves and needs to start afresh. It will be hard for me financially too - we are just making ends meet, and giving her money will make it harder to make those ends meet in the future. We currently share all our finances, bank accounts, investments, the works.
It will be hard emotionally for all of us, especially for my son. I don't want him to blame himself for this. He already is showing some pleasing behaviour and I worry he might fall into the same "pleasing others" trap as I have.
It will be hard practically too - before and after-school care is pretty spotty and kids activity hours are all aimed at the "typical" family where the husband works and the wife is 100% free to attend to the kids during the day. I have to work long hours as an Engineer, and I worry that I will not be able to devote enough time to him.
I want to either fix this relationship (she says she does not want to), or if we have no choice but ending it, I want to do it right.
Any advice on what I should do? She says by summer (it's already here), she'll be gone. I don't want to do this wrong and while I understand she wants to get it over and done with, I think she is rushing it.
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