My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children, 8 and 3. The 3 y/o suffered a medical event two years ago which left him severely disabled. We've had our ups and downs: 8 years ago she was led to believe I had an affair and 2 years after that she had an emotional affair. Nonetheless, we talked about those issues and decided to keep on with our marriage and even have a second child.
The medical event with our child really turned our lives upside down but it seemed like we were managing very well. Both of us are working professionals.
Over the last year or so, she became entirely consumed by her phone (social media, singing apps etc.). Initially I was supportive of this outlet for her but as it took more and more time from us I started to get frustrated, hurt and upset. She would typically come home, jump on the phone and stay on it until late at night. After the kids were asleep and her being on the phone all I really could do was go outside and have some beers. There were a few occasions where I would get upset that she was on her phone but, by and large, I tried to let it go.
About a month ago, after having some beers, her phone "dinged" while she was in the shower. I grabbed it to turn it off and saw a text message from a guy that was very flirty and talking about them going to lunch. I got upset and confronted her about it. Well, turns out it was a gay friend. But because of that and prior incidents of me getting upset over her phone consumption she said she wanted a divorce. Went to the attorneys and all but, for now, hasn't filed the papers.
Since then, I've been trying to improve on things that she has said led up to her decision for divorce. Most importantly, I outright stopped drinking. Did start seeing a counselor and putting all of my time and attention into the kids and our family. It's not that I wasn't giving my attention to them before but now I'm doing pretty much everything around the house instead of 80%.
We did go to a marriage counselor yesterday for the first time. I said I hope we can save our marriage, wife said she hopes that we can communicate better even if we're not married. Therapist had us play a few "finish the sentence" games, obviously to get to understand us better. Wife said she did like the therapist because there was more talking and not a push to fix this or that.
In therapy she said that she's not rushing to make a decision and she told me the other day that she's trying to have an open mind (i.e. divorce is not the foregone conclusion). But in the meantime she has told me that she doesn't want any affection because that pushes her away. Given me the "ILYBNILY" speech and how she regrets staying with me after the "affair" 8 years ago. Of course she is also hyper-defensive so anything that I say that can be mis-construed to be an attack or something negative is done so.
I've read a few books, including "Divorce Remedy" and I'm trying to stick this out. Currently sleeping in another room - at her request. But it is not as though we can avoid daily interaction (kids need to go to school, disabled one needs to be cared for etc.). It would appear that there is some faint hope to save our marriage but some things are very challenging for me right now - especially the "no affection" thing. It's also frustrating that she still has her social outlet via the phone and I've only got our family because..well..that's what I dedicated my life to these past years.
Like most other men: I want to save our marriage but I'm not sure what else I can do aside from, well, focus on the kids and our family, not talk about our relationship or her phone (which has been the source of all arguments over the last several months) and not make any attempts at affection - including hand-holding.
So..yeah..there it is.
The medical event with our child really turned our lives upside down but it seemed like we were managing very well. Both of us are working professionals.
Over the last year or so, she became entirely consumed by her phone (social media, singing apps etc.). Initially I was supportive of this outlet for her but as it took more and more time from us I started to get frustrated, hurt and upset. She would typically come home, jump on the phone and stay on it until late at night. After the kids were asleep and her being on the phone all I really could do was go outside and have some beers. There were a few occasions where I would get upset that she was on her phone but, by and large, I tried to let it go.
About a month ago, after having some beers, her phone "dinged" while she was in the shower. I grabbed it to turn it off and saw a text message from a guy that was very flirty and talking about them going to lunch. I got upset and confronted her about it. Well, turns out it was a gay friend. But because of that and prior incidents of me getting upset over her phone consumption she said she wanted a divorce. Went to the attorneys and all but, for now, hasn't filed the papers.
Since then, I've been trying to improve on things that she has said led up to her decision for divorce. Most importantly, I outright stopped drinking. Did start seeing a counselor and putting all of my time and attention into the kids and our family. It's not that I wasn't giving my attention to them before but now I'm doing pretty much everything around the house instead of 80%.
We did go to a marriage counselor yesterday for the first time. I said I hope we can save our marriage, wife said she hopes that we can communicate better even if we're not married. Therapist had us play a few "finish the sentence" games, obviously to get to understand us better. Wife said she did like the therapist because there was more talking and not a push to fix this or that.
In therapy she said that she's not rushing to make a decision and she told me the other day that she's trying to have an open mind (i.e. divorce is not the foregone conclusion). But in the meantime she has told me that she doesn't want any affection because that pushes her away. Given me the "ILYBNILY" speech and how she regrets staying with me after the "affair" 8 years ago. Of course she is also hyper-defensive so anything that I say that can be mis-construed to be an attack or something negative is done so.
I've read a few books, including "Divorce Remedy" and I'm trying to stick this out. Currently sleeping in another room - at her request. But it is not as though we can avoid daily interaction (kids need to go to school, disabled one needs to be cared for etc.). It would appear that there is some faint hope to save our marriage but some things are very challenging for me right now - especially the "no affection" thing. It's also frustrating that she still has her social outlet via the phone and I've only got our family because..well..that's what I dedicated my life to these past years.
Like most other men: I want to save our marriage but I'm not sure what else I can do aside from, well, focus on the kids and our family, not talk about our relationship or her phone (which has been the source of all arguments over the last several months) and not make any attempts at affection - including hand-holding.
So..yeah..there it is.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment