Ok, here is my story. Let me know what you think. I'll start with the background stuff.
I'm 53, she just turned 50 and we've been married 23 years. She grew up with a very angry father, though I don't think he beat her, just lots of yelling.
My wife has had multiple stressors in her life and does right now.
20 years ago she was very angry, she withdrew, she wouldn't talk to me, she stopped having sex, and even withdrew simple touching, etc. I became angry and tried to talk to her multiple times. It did no good. So, I made a mistake. Her girlfriend offered "friendship", etc. and well, being young, I thought if I'm getting divorced, I might as well. Later, I was finally fed up and told my wife I didn't have to stay married to her, looking for an inkling of anything. She paused, I saw it. I didn't leave her. Things got better over time. We have 3 kids 14 1/2 - 17 1/2. Things seemed fine.
Her dad was found to have molested a nephew 15 years ago. It ripped apart her family. She only has contact with a few. She is very bitter about this. She is also angry at herself because she "thinks" she saw him do it once and dismissed it. She blames herself for not trying to save her nephew from it.
About 5 years ago my oldest son asked her point blank why she is angry all the time.
Last year her work replaced all bosses with sweatshop evil overlords. Yes, that bad. She is extremely stressed about work. Anger at work, people on stress leave, no bonuses, people told if they don't like it to leave, etc. I've told her to quit and if we lose the house it doesn't matter. We'll get by.
She is in menopause. She has exhibited the physical and mental swings. She gets angry at me and the kids. She is angry a lot.
She is obsessed with her body, her thinning hair, her dental work, and her age. She cringes at over the hill jokes. I've seen her seeth in anger.
She plays online games all the time, for a couple of years. I've found myself recently trying to get her attention. She has many online friends. Some of them, male and female, she texts and talks on the phone with. Once we discussed sexual fantasies recently, she admitted to being bicurious. She has looked at lesbian porn. More on this later.
The house kept getting dirtier and dirtier. The oldest boys bedroom could be smelt from down the hall. She just didn't care and never asked for help. One of her flaws is she will do something and then resent that she "had to" do it and no one helped. Sometimes she wouldn't call us to check on heating up dinner, etc. I know from the cellphone logs she talks to people on her drive home. Sometimes, she'll sit in her car in the driveway for 20 minutes talking before coming in.
The kids at times will give me odd looks about her behavior when she is in the room. Yet, other times she seems happy go lucky. I feel it's a front, or she's trying too hard.
Of her friends, here is the situation. She talks to many people online, in text, and on her phone. Her best work friend is bisexual. Though I don't think they've done anything. She has a 20 year long friendship with someone who moved out of state. Let's call her Ann. Ann is in a bad marriage. Real bad. And they talk all the time on the phone. They have also expressed bicurious feelings for each other.
While doing virus scanning, I found some little cutesy pics of a boy and girl with captions that said stuff like "I love you", and "I miss you" or more generically, "Best friends". Nothing sexual. No photos. I got her to admit that "Ann" sent some of them to her.
My wife talked about maybe flying out there to "find out" once, which I initially said would be fine because my wife was going to indulge in one of my fantasies. I also told her if her local work friend wanted to try it, I would be okay with it. I have since then told her no, I don't want her to, and I don't want to have my fantasy. I want us to stay true to each other. Besides, we're actually Christians and both ideas were hitting my moral meter hard.
After Thanksgiving, I decided enough is enough. I need to know what is going on. I forced her to talk though she didn't want to. But I was getting angry about all of this too and if we both get withdraw, it's over. I also told myself, if she is sick, I have to help her, even if I lose her, fine, at least she will be well. For her sake, and the kids.
She complained about work, the kids, her family, and I. Here is the stuff about me.
I haven't been a big help around the house. The way I was raised it was "women's work", she was raised where everybody helped out. I have been helping out for the past month and will continue to do so. I told her I would. She also commented that this would be a good way for us to spend time together having small talk.
No sex since June. She told me she has no desire for sex at all. She has also said she doesn't want to do xxx in bed, she doesn't like it. I told her, ok, we won't do that. I don't want her to do anything she doesn't like.
She also said that catchphrase, I love you but I'm not in love with you. I asked her if she considered divorce, she said it crossed her mind, and she had wondered if she's better off alone.
We've had subsequent conversations where I do most of the talking. She says she feels numb. She doesn't know what to feel. She won't commit to any feeling at all. She told me video games are an "escape" from her troubles. A friend of mine who is a doctor said it sounds like she is depressed. He told me to give her time to think. It's hard to not press though.
She is a little more open recently. She's finally told me at times she was sorry if I looked offended. In the beginning she didn't do that, having no regard for my feelings. Even when I cried. I told her it's like she's died.
According to the phone logs, there are two phone numbers in Ann's town. The first number was used constantly and then stopped one day, then the other number started and was used at about the same frequency. My wife said the second number is a guy who is 20 years old, and she also talks to his girlfriend in xxx town. I see calls to that number too. The guy lost his job, his mom sucks, etc. She might be trying to actually help this guy, or it's a big ruse and it's really Ann.
I said ok fine then show me your phone numbers in your phone. I don't know her password. She showed me them. Ann's number and the guy's are listed separately. She does take her phone everywhere, even into the bathroom when she takes showers. So, I don't know. I don't think it matters. Guy or girl, friend or more, the constant phone calls and texts are a problem. The only saving grace is that there's no way to connect physically.
From what my wife says, and what my doctor friend says, this seems to maybe be symptoms of the underlying problem of depression and menopause. Or she could be cheating. Or she could be struggling with actually being a lesbian and not admitting it. The problem is she isn't communicating.
I have told her a few times, I want to stay married to the end, til we're both 90, etc. I've also told her I want her to be well. I want to help her heal. I told her I'd even accept the loss of the marriage if it meant she could be happy. I told her she just has to communicate to me her feelings. I told her, her health has to be the priority over my personal feelings.
I have certain deal breakers from my end. I don't want her cheating, lying, etc. Don't think she's cheated...yet... And I know going forward the online/cellphone friendships cannot continue as they are. If she talked to a friend here and there, fine, but not constant communication. She would be getting needs met from others that she should get from me.
This is twice she's "withdrawn" in our marriage. I don't like it. I want good communication and a marriage built on honesty, openness and respect for each other. "Soul mates". I will accept nothing less.
Going forward:
She has a project finishing up at work in the beginning of January. She says she's going to call EAP after. She's said she feels overwhelmed emotionally and didn't want to deal with everything at once. She also suggested we go to some marriage counseling. I agreed this is a good plan.
My questions about what to do next:
1. If she doesn't call EAP, by say, mid-end of January, when should I "insist"?
2. I've mentioned that the constant friendships are not good and it hurts me. I shouldn't have to tell her to stop. She should do it on her own. Can I insist at some point such as during marriage counseling?
3. What would you say are some waypoints along the way that tell me the marriage is becoming strong, open, honest, i.e., it's going where I want it to?
Thanks,
"John Sebastian"
I'm 53, she just turned 50 and we've been married 23 years. She grew up with a very angry father, though I don't think he beat her, just lots of yelling.
My wife has had multiple stressors in her life and does right now.
20 years ago she was very angry, she withdrew, she wouldn't talk to me, she stopped having sex, and even withdrew simple touching, etc. I became angry and tried to talk to her multiple times. It did no good. So, I made a mistake. Her girlfriend offered "friendship", etc. and well, being young, I thought if I'm getting divorced, I might as well. Later, I was finally fed up and told my wife I didn't have to stay married to her, looking for an inkling of anything. She paused, I saw it. I didn't leave her. Things got better over time. We have 3 kids 14 1/2 - 17 1/2. Things seemed fine.
Her dad was found to have molested a nephew 15 years ago. It ripped apart her family. She only has contact with a few. She is very bitter about this. She is also angry at herself because she "thinks" she saw him do it once and dismissed it. She blames herself for not trying to save her nephew from it.
About 5 years ago my oldest son asked her point blank why she is angry all the time.
Last year her work replaced all bosses with sweatshop evil overlords. Yes, that bad. She is extremely stressed about work. Anger at work, people on stress leave, no bonuses, people told if they don't like it to leave, etc. I've told her to quit and if we lose the house it doesn't matter. We'll get by.
She is in menopause. She has exhibited the physical and mental swings. She gets angry at me and the kids. She is angry a lot.
She is obsessed with her body, her thinning hair, her dental work, and her age. She cringes at over the hill jokes. I've seen her seeth in anger.
She plays online games all the time, for a couple of years. I've found myself recently trying to get her attention. She has many online friends. Some of them, male and female, she texts and talks on the phone with. Once we discussed sexual fantasies recently, she admitted to being bicurious. She has looked at lesbian porn. More on this later.
The house kept getting dirtier and dirtier. The oldest boys bedroom could be smelt from down the hall. She just didn't care and never asked for help. One of her flaws is she will do something and then resent that she "had to" do it and no one helped. Sometimes she wouldn't call us to check on heating up dinner, etc. I know from the cellphone logs she talks to people on her drive home. Sometimes, she'll sit in her car in the driveway for 20 minutes talking before coming in.
The kids at times will give me odd looks about her behavior when she is in the room. Yet, other times she seems happy go lucky. I feel it's a front, or she's trying too hard.
Of her friends, here is the situation. She talks to many people online, in text, and on her phone. Her best work friend is bisexual. Though I don't think they've done anything. She has a 20 year long friendship with someone who moved out of state. Let's call her Ann. Ann is in a bad marriage. Real bad. And they talk all the time on the phone. They have also expressed bicurious feelings for each other.
While doing virus scanning, I found some little cutesy pics of a boy and girl with captions that said stuff like "I love you", and "I miss you" or more generically, "Best friends". Nothing sexual. No photos. I got her to admit that "Ann" sent some of them to her.
My wife talked about maybe flying out there to "find out" once, which I initially said would be fine because my wife was going to indulge in one of my fantasies. I also told her if her local work friend wanted to try it, I would be okay with it. I have since then told her no, I don't want her to, and I don't want to have my fantasy. I want us to stay true to each other. Besides, we're actually Christians and both ideas were hitting my moral meter hard.
After Thanksgiving, I decided enough is enough. I need to know what is going on. I forced her to talk though she didn't want to. But I was getting angry about all of this too and if we both get withdraw, it's over. I also told myself, if she is sick, I have to help her, even if I lose her, fine, at least she will be well. For her sake, and the kids.
She complained about work, the kids, her family, and I. Here is the stuff about me.
I haven't been a big help around the house. The way I was raised it was "women's work", she was raised where everybody helped out. I have been helping out for the past month and will continue to do so. I told her I would. She also commented that this would be a good way for us to spend time together having small talk.
No sex since June. She told me she has no desire for sex at all. She has also said she doesn't want to do xxx in bed, she doesn't like it. I told her, ok, we won't do that. I don't want her to do anything she doesn't like.
She also said that catchphrase, I love you but I'm not in love with you. I asked her if she considered divorce, she said it crossed her mind, and she had wondered if she's better off alone.
We've had subsequent conversations where I do most of the talking. She says she feels numb. She doesn't know what to feel. She won't commit to any feeling at all. She told me video games are an "escape" from her troubles. A friend of mine who is a doctor said it sounds like she is depressed. He told me to give her time to think. It's hard to not press though.
She is a little more open recently. She's finally told me at times she was sorry if I looked offended. In the beginning she didn't do that, having no regard for my feelings. Even when I cried. I told her it's like she's died.
According to the phone logs, there are two phone numbers in Ann's town. The first number was used constantly and then stopped one day, then the other number started and was used at about the same frequency. My wife said the second number is a guy who is 20 years old, and she also talks to his girlfriend in xxx town. I see calls to that number too. The guy lost his job, his mom sucks, etc. She might be trying to actually help this guy, or it's a big ruse and it's really Ann.
I said ok fine then show me your phone numbers in your phone. I don't know her password. She showed me them. Ann's number and the guy's are listed separately. She does take her phone everywhere, even into the bathroom when she takes showers. So, I don't know. I don't think it matters. Guy or girl, friend or more, the constant phone calls and texts are a problem. The only saving grace is that there's no way to connect physically.
From what my wife says, and what my doctor friend says, this seems to maybe be symptoms of the underlying problem of depression and menopause. Or she could be cheating. Or she could be struggling with actually being a lesbian and not admitting it. The problem is she isn't communicating.
I have told her a few times, I want to stay married to the end, til we're both 90, etc. I've also told her I want her to be well. I want to help her heal. I told her I'd even accept the loss of the marriage if it meant she could be happy. I told her she just has to communicate to me her feelings. I told her, her health has to be the priority over my personal feelings.
I have certain deal breakers from my end. I don't want her cheating, lying, etc. Don't think she's cheated...yet... And I know going forward the online/cellphone friendships cannot continue as they are. If she talked to a friend here and there, fine, but not constant communication. She would be getting needs met from others that she should get from me.
This is twice she's "withdrawn" in our marriage. I don't like it. I want good communication and a marriage built on honesty, openness and respect for each other. "Soul mates". I will accept nothing less.
Going forward:
She has a project finishing up at work in the beginning of January. She says she's going to call EAP after. She's said she feels overwhelmed emotionally and didn't want to deal with everything at once. She also suggested we go to some marriage counseling. I agreed this is a good plan.
My questions about what to do next:
1. If she doesn't call EAP, by say, mid-end of January, when should I "insist"?
2. I've mentioned that the constant friendships are not good and it hurts me. I shouldn't have to tell her to stop. She should do it on her own. Can I insist at some point such as during marriage counseling?
3. What would you say are some waypoints along the way that tell me the marriage is becoming strong, open, honest, i.e., it's going where I want it to?
Thanks,
"John Sebastian"
Put the internet to work for you.
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