So reluctantly, I'm here, looking for support and advice. I will try to sum up my story and not draw it out but I won't to paint the picture so it's understandable. My husband and I dated off and on for over 3 years. He is 40 and I am 33. We have no children and this is our first marriage. Got married in Mexico a year and a half ago. He came into the marriage with the house. I've been working two jobs throughout the marriage and he has worked a total of 4 months. I work with elderly Alzheimer's and dementia patients which can be draining. Several months ago I decided that I wanted to go back to college to get my Bachelor's Degree in order to make myself more marketable in the job field and to bring in more income. I discussed this with my husband and he was very supportive and said that I could quit my jobs and go back to school full-time. The day I was to start school he quit his job of 4 months but reassured me that no matter what we would make it through and he would do everything possible to ensure that my goals wouldn't be interrupted because he quit his job. I was disappointed but trusted that we could work through him quitting his job. He is in the construction trade and has been able to pull in just enough income to cover his portion of the bills plus we have a person in the home that rents a bedroom. I had decided early on that I was still going to work and go to school so I kept my full-time job working with Alzheimer's patients.
So school started and I've been taking 4 classes and working at the same time. Towards November, I told my husband that I was going to be extra busy as the end of the semester neared and that I wasn't going to be able to take part in my normal routine of cooking dinners most nights and cleaning every weekend unless I got a break in my school work. Plus, I was in charge on a holiday donation drive that ran through the month of December in the community. I was determined to get the four required classes completed so I could start my BA program this January. He seemed to understand. After quitting his job, he bought a fishing boat and started fishing with his friends 3 to 4 days a week. Again, I was silently disappointed because he promised to be supportive while I went back to school but was spending money carelessly when I was putting out money towards schooling. Since I've been in school he has not helped me out financially or mentally. I haven't complained. I just saw that he was happy and content so I didn't bother making a big deal out of his recent choices.
So this background leads me up to why I'm here – I guess. On November, 15th, I was getting ready for work which I had to be at 6:00 a.m. He was preparing to leave for fishing with his friends at 6:30 a.m. We have a gate with a lock on it in front of our driveway. Each one of us has a key to this gate that we keep it on our key rings. I had my gate key in my work shirt pocket. All of a sudden, he comes storming into the house screaming at me because he went to warm my truck up for me and unlock the gate and my key wasn't on my key ring. He took the situation way too far. Mind you, I do know how irritating it is to be on your way somewhere and you can't leave because you can't find a key to get out. It's frustrating but I knew where my key was so it wasn't a problem. He has his own, too. I didn't have the time to argue with him and said that I didn't know what the big deal was when the key was in my pocket and I could have unlocked the gate myself quickly. I went to work and later got a text from him saying that he was sorry for overreacting but he had plans to go fishing and that he loved me and to have a good day. I didn't respond because I was hurt. I felt that I was the one going to work and he was going out to play. I didn't deserve to be screamed at first thing in the morning. When I got home I was expecting an apology. He ignored me so I approached him later on and said that I didn't deserve to be talked to the way he did and that I wasn't willing to fight over such trivial things. He burst into anger. I told him that it wasn't fair that he would belittle me when he is just as guilty of forgetting to lock the gate and replace his keys as everyone else in the house was. His anger towards me escalated to the point where I got scared and he ended up slamming the bedroom door in my face. I slept in the other room and have been still to this day. I just decided that I would wait for him to approach me with an apology but day after day went by and when I finally tried to approach him he brushed me off. Thanksgiving rolled around and I had to work. When I came home I saw that he had left me a note on the dry erase board saying he would be at his mother's and that I was welcome to come over. I declined to go over for Thanksgiving because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable. He is a momma's boy and it doesn't matter what he does she always reinforces his behavior and coddles him. She demeans me behind his back and I didn't want to deal with it.
About a week after Thanksgiving, I was on my way out the door to work and he approaches me and tells me he wants a divorce. I was shocked. He said that I know that he has ADD and OCD (mental disorders that he has taken upon himself to diagnose himself with) and that I do nothing to alleviate his anxiety. I make it worse. He said he makes simply requests such as replacing a key on a key ring and I ignore it and that he has had enough of me not being able to perform simple tasks and that he wanted his home and his life back. I thought he was bluffing and I didn't have time to talk about divorce because I was already late for work. I said first of all this is our home and you aren't just going to throw me out into the streets and second of all I have goals and plans that I have been working on as far as school goes and I can't stop all that right now because you have decided you want a divorce. He said we already live in separate rooms and that he had decided a week prior that he wanted a divorce and he was just letting me know. He also said that he would not be giving me any money for anything and he was taking my vehicle off the insurance. Mind you, every dime I make goes to supporting the household. I spend none of it on myself except for toiletries and some school expenses that financial aid wouldn't cover. I went to work in shock and disbelief. Even had to call my mother to borrow money so I could get gas to make it back and forth to work. She started with the questions because I never borrow money from anyone.
I came home hoping he would be willing to talk and when I approached him he blew me off. Another week went by with no communication and, again, one morning while I was on my way out the door to work he said that obviously I wasn't taking him seriously about the divorce. I said why you insist on talking to me when I have no time to talk. I can't risk losing my job by being late. Can we arrange a time to actually speak and communicate like adults? And if you are serious about getting a divorce I am going to seek out a lawyer to inform me of my rights. When I got to work I sent him a text and said that I was willing to do whatever I had to do to uphold my marriage vows and that I didn't believe that our marriage was worth throwing away over an argument over a gate key. I said if you are serious about the divorce than what is the hold up? He took that as threat and went down that day and obtained a dissolution packet. The next day, AGAIN, while on my way to work he said that he got the paperwork for the divorce. As, I gathered my work and school materials he began to get angry and said, "DO YOU HEAR ME!" I just ignored him and began to walk out the door. He said fine we will do this the hard way. I will fill out the paperwork and have you served. So I waited a few days even had a couple days off. He had many opportunities to speak to me. I even approached him nicely and offered him cookies my mom had made for him to begin conversation - somehow, some way. He blew me off and acted like I didn't exist.
Finally, a couple days ago he comes into my room while I was working on a research paper for school and says when are you going to be done with school? I said I have three classes left and one left to go. He said I am serious about this divorce and I took your insurance off your vehicle. I just remained calm and nice. I said ok. I understand. He then he proceeds to tell me that everyone thinks that it was ridiculous that he had asked me for a divorce and I was still living in the home and that he already told his family and friends he was divorcing me. I had even found a packet that his mother had given him with old divorce papers from her second marriage in 1988. Obviously, she gave them to him as some type of reference material. I said that I hadn't even had time to make arrangements to go elsewhere because I was busy with school and work and that I had taken him seriously about the divorce and wasn't dragging my feet but that I wanted him to approach me when he felt it he wanted to talk and when I wasn't headed out the door for work. He then says that everyone he talks to says that when I told him I wanted to look into what my rights were that I was going to take his house away from him and then says, what do you want 240,000 worth of debt. I said me seeking a lawyer has nothing to do with my trying to take what you have. Anyone getting a divorce should seek out legal help and it would be foolish to sign divorce paperwork someone knew nothing about. He walked out of the room and I followed him while he stood in the kitchen. I said listen, I'm confused. I don't understand what is going on and I'm just as frustrated as you are at this point. I said what is the reason you are going to ask for divorce? He said that he decided that because he can't get passed the little things that I do such as not putting a key on a key ring that that meant he wasn't unconditionally in love with me and if he wasn't unconditionally in love with his wife than he didn't want to be married. It hurt my feelings and I had nothing to say. Before I stepped outside I said I've put years of hard work into this relationship and I have a hard time turning my back on something that I believe can be turned around for the better. When I returned he said that people don't understand how easy it is to file for divorce especially if one of the people defaults on it. He said that if I was to be served that I would have to pay the $500.00 filing fee which I know that isn't true unless he claims that he can't afford the filing fee and he waves it on to me. Because he works under the table he could do that but I believe he is afraid I would let the court system know he was lying and could afford it. Working under the table is illegal because he doesn't get taxed but he still makes more money doing two short construction jobs a month compared to me working all month long. I think he slipped up when he said this but he said that when you fill out paperwork for a divorce you have to list your financial obligations. He said that if I saw that I might get ideas about what I could go after. He owns a home and some property. He and his three brothers also inherited some property from their grandfather that is worth 4.5 million when the market is right but they have been holding onto it for years because at this point it would only go for around $600,000. Here is the deal on that property though. He has never told me this but years ago his sister in law told me that the grandfather specifically stated that when the property sells the 3 boys were to split the profits and the wives of the boys were to get 10% of the profit as well. Whether I'm entitled to that or not I do not know but there is something keeping him from wanting to file now because he is afraid to fill out the financial part of the paperwork. He has made numerous purchases since we have been married including a boat, a trailer, lawn equipment, a huge flat screen T.V., etc. He claims that the only thing I'm entitled to his half of the boat which he didn't want to sell but he would give me $2,000 for it when he got the money. He said the trailer and other purchases were made in Nevada and because Nevada is not a community property state that was all his. We live in California. He said we could stay out of court if we just made an agreement and signed and that he would have a paralegal work with us. I said that I was willing to sit down and make up an agreement but before I signed I would take it in for a second opinion. This did not make him happy. The conversation ended. I felt even more confused than ever. He didn't even want to talk about resolving issues and if I tried to bring certain topics up he would stir back into the direction of divorce.
I continued to work on my school work for the next couple of days and talked to our roommate about what was going on and said that I was beginning to make arrangements to move out and I'd try to be out within the next couple of weeks. Because the holidays are here I didn't want to announce to my family that my husband had asked me for a divorce and that could one of them please feel obligated to take me in while I looked for a place. Everyone in my family is dealing with their own personal stressors and lives. I also did some research and looked into his phone account to see if he had been making calls to other women. I was seeking answers. Nothing strange going on there. I just can't comprehend going from receiving texts from him saying how in love with me he was to all of a sudden getting in a fight over a key and him wanting to end it. The same day our roommate decided to inform my husband that I'd be out in about 2 weeks and all of a sudden his attitude towards me changed. He started being nice – bought me a box of cookies and told the roommate he was buying me a big cake for my birthday on Christmas Day. After two days of his new attitude I felt I should try to sit down and talk to him. He was watching football and I asked if I could talk to him about making arrangements. He said he was busy watching football but turned down the TV. I said calmly and nicely that since I was almost done with school and had some time off work that I was going to start moving some things into a storage unit. He asked if I had gotten a place. I said no but I was working on it and it would be another month before an apartment went through but if I had to I could stay somewhere. He said that I could leave my things and my dog at the house and when I got a place he would help me move it all. I said no that because I'd have time I was going to rent a unit and move it all out within a couple days because when the moving process started I was leaving no reason for me to come back and that communication between would be restricted to only paperwork. I than asked if it would be ok if I took the bed in the spare room and the dresser set because I had given up all of my furniture when we had gotten married and I had no furnishings. He said that his mom had given us those things from his deceased grandmother's home and that if she found out I had them she would get angry. I said I knew she was fond of the headboards but could I take the mattress. He said again that it would make her angry. I said well as far as the dressers went she knew he had refinished them for me. He said they looked good in his room and that she would be angry if I took them. I just remained calm and said never mind. I will come up with something. He then said that I was acting like it was an inconvenience that he got to stay in the home and I had to move. I just sat there and said yes it was. My whole life was changing. It isn't easy to uproot your life in between school and work just out of the blue. I than asked if he made arrangements with the paralegal he was going to call to assist in writing up an agreement. He said he changed his mind that the court house offers free assistance and he couldn't afford a paralegal. I said what are you going to put down as the reason for divorce. He said irreconcilable differences. I said do you really believe our differences are irreconcilable. He began to become angry and said I don't have to answer your "why" questions and because he has repeatedly asked me over and over again to perform simple tasks that he was going to teach me a life lesson so next time I got into a relationship and I was doing things that irritated someone I would immediately stop doing it because I would think about the reason I was divorced in the first place. I said that I wasn't looking to argue but I was maybe looking for some closure. He said that a husband and wife are supposed to worship each other and I don't do anything a wife is supposed to do. He said that everyone around him constantly praises him and tells him he is great and that I see that and withhold that from him. Which isn't true. I don't withhold my love from him. I told him that if anything I've been busy with work and school and I thought he would understand that. I said that he only surrounds himself with people that will praise him and his mother raised him with nothing but positive reinforcement and worship. He can do no wrong in her eyes. He became angry and said that if I knew that was how he was raised than why don't I treat him the way his mother treats him. I said that when people become adults they should be secure enough in themselves to realize that life goes on whether you are constantly praised or not and if he firmly believes that he has such severe anxiety that little things that his wife does are causing his marriage to deteriorate than he should see a doctor because it doesn't matter if I'm around or not that these issues would continue. He said he runs a tight ship and he just wants to come home and have everything in place where he had it before. I said well what about the roommate? I've never met a bigger slob than him. How come he gets to stay? How come his stress level doesn't rise when he looks in his bathroom or bedroom. He paused for a minute and said that he doesn't fight him on everything. He said that just because two people are married doesn't mean a person doesn't have the right to change their mind. I said I'm not trying to change your mind I just feel that marriage is sacred and I would never walk out on a marriage without working on the issues first. He said there are things he wants to do that he can't do while being married. I said you have always lived an unrestricted life. I've never been the type to say he can't do this or that. The only things he can't do is sleep with other women. He said that wasn't what he was talking about. He said that he is a bright and shiny person that needs to shine and when he is with me he is nothing but a dusty old rock. I said you are 40 years old. All of your friends are married and have children and the other friends you have are in their 20's with no real life or relationship advice to offer. I said you act like if you get a divorce your life will magically change and all these things are going to implode into the home and make everything exciting and better. I said it doesn't work that way. He then began to get extremely angry and said he was done with the conversation and if I didn't shut up he would make the house a battle zone and force me out. The last thing I said was that he was never going to find anyone to meet the expectations he was asking for because nobody is perfect not even him.
So here I am. It's Christmas Day and it's my birthday. Every day I wake up crying. I feel like this is a cruel joke or a nightmare. I just never thought I'd get a divorce and for the reasons that he claims. I've done some research and he seems to be Narcissist. I mean he fits into every example given on the web. He is extremely good looking so moving on won't be hard for him. Not to mention, he is not surrounded with anyone that will give him any meaningful advice on marriage. His mother is coaching him on how to get a divorce and will reinforce anything he says no matter how outrageous it sounds. Everyone agrees their relationship is twisted. People in public have even asked if they are husband and wife. He is not willing to communicate on any level of fairness with me. As soon as I say something he cuts me off saying I cut him off but I can't get a word in edge wise hence the reason we have gone so long without talking. He's done things in the past that were hard for me to forgive him for but I did and these things he can't forgive me for seem petty. We have split up a couple times in the past before being married and I've moved out and moved on with my life but he has always tracked me down and has begged me to come back into his life. His grandmother just died and some people think he may have come into an inheritance that he doesn't want to share with me. I am not like that. We have always had separate bank accounts and have always split all the bills but I've fronted out more money in the marriage than he has. So I'm just lost. Anyone have any words of wisdom for me?
So school started and I've been taking 4 classes and working at the same time. Towards November, I told my husband that I was going to be extra busy as the end of the semester neared and that I wasn't going to be able to take part in my normal routine of cooking dinners most nights and cleaning every weekend unless I got a break in my school work. Plus, I was in charge on a holiday donation drive that ran through the month of December in the community. I was determined to get the four required classes completed so I could start my BA program this January. He seemed to understand. After quitting his job, he bought a fishing boat and started fishing with his friends 3 to 4 days a week. Again, I was silently disappointed because he promised to be supportive while I went back to school but was spending money carelessly when I was putting out money towards schooling. Since I've been in school he has not helped me out financially or mentally. I haven't complained. I just saw that he was happy and content so I didn't bother making a big deal out of his recent choices.
So this background leads me up to why I'm here – I guess. On November, 15th, I was getting ready for work which I had to be at 6:00 a.m. He was preparing to leave for fishing with his friends at 6:30 a.m. We have a gate with a lock on it in front of our driveway. Each one of us has a key to this gate that we keep it on our key rings. I had my gate key in my work shirt pocket. All of a sudden, he comes storming into the house screaming at me because he went to warm my truck up for me and unlock the gate and my key wasn't on my key ring. He took the situation way too far. Mind you, I do know how irritating it is to be on your way somewhere and you can't leave because you can't find a key to get out. It's frustrating but I knew where my key was so it wasn't a problem. He has his own, too. I didn't have the time to argue with him and said that I didn't know what the big deal was when the key was in my pocket and I could have unlocked the gate myself quickly. I went to work and later got a text from him saying that he was sorry for overreacting but he had plans to go fishing and that he loved me and to have a good day. I didn't respond because I was hurt. I felt that I was the one going to work and he was going out to play. I didn't deserve to be screamed at first thing in the morning. When I got home I was expecting an apology. He ignored me so I approached him later on and said that I didn't deserve to be talked to the way he did and that I wasn't willing to fight over such trivial things. He burst into anger. I told him that it wasn't fair that he would belittle me when he is just as guilty of forgetting to lock the gate and replace his keys as everyone else in the house was. His anger towards me escalated to the point where I got scared and he ended up slamming the bedroom door in my face. I slept in the other room and have been still to this day. I just decided that I would wait for him to approach me with an apology but day after day went by and when I finally tried to approach him he brushed me off. Thanksgiving rolled around and I had to work. When I came home I saw that he had left me a note on the dry erase board saying he would be at his mother's and that I was welcome to come over. I declined to go over for Thanksgiving because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable. He is a momma's boy and it doesn't matter what he does she always reinforces his behavior and coddles him. She demeans me behind his back and I didn't want to deal with it.
About a week after Thanksgiving, I was on my way out the door to work and he approaches me and tells me he wants a divorce. I was shocked. He said that I know that he has ADD and OCD (mental disorders that he has taken upon himself to diagnose himself with) and that I do nothing to alleviate his anxiety. I make it worse. He said he makes simply requests such as replacing a key on a key ring and I ignore it and that he has had enough of me not being able to perform simple tasks and that he wanted his home and his life back. I thought he was bluffing and I didn't have time to talk about divorce because I was already late for work. I said first of all this is our home and you aren't just going to throw me out into the streets and second of all I have goals and plans that I have been working on as far as school goes and I can't stop all that right now because you have decided you want a divorce. He said we already live in separate rooms and that he had decided a week prior that he wanted a divorce and he was just letting me know. He also said that he would not be giving me any money for anything and he was taking my vehicle off the insurance. Mind you, every dime I make goes to supporting the household. I spend none of it on myself except for toiletries and some school expenses that financial aid wouldn't cover. I went to work in shock and disbelief. Even had to call my mother to borrow money so I could get gas to make it back and forth to work. She started with the questions because I never borrow money from anyone.
I came home hoping he would be willing to talk and when I approached him he blew me off. Another week went by with no communication and, again, one morning while I was on my way out the door to work he said that obviously I wasn't taking him seriously about the divorce. I said why you insist on talking to me when I have no time to talk. I can't risk losing my job by being late. Can we arrange a time to actually speak and communicate like adults? And if you are serious about getting a divorce I am going to seek out a lawyer to inform me of my rights. When I got to work I sent him a text and said that I was willing to do whatever I had to do to uphold my marriage vows and that I didn't believe that our marriage was worth throwing away over an argument over a gate key. I said if you are serious about the divorce than what is the hold up? He took that as threat and went down that day and obtained a dissolution packet. The next day, AGAIN, while on my way to work he said that he got the paperwork for the divorce. As, I gathered my work and school materials he began to get angry and said, "DO YOU HEAR ME!" I just ignored him and began to walk out the door. He said fine we will do this the hard way. I will fill out the paperwork and have you served. So I waited a few days even had a couple days off. He had many opportunities to speak to me. I even approached him nicely and offered him cookies my mom had made for him to begin conversation - somehow, some way. He blew me off and acted like I didn't exist.
Finally, a couple days ago he comes into my room while I was working on a research paper for school and says when are you going to be done with school? I said I have three classes left and one left to go. He said I am serious about this divorce and I took your insurance off your vehicle. I just remained calm and nice. I said ok. I understand. He then he proceeds to tell me that everyone thinks that it was ridiculous that he had asked me for a divorce and I was still living in the home and that he already told his family and friends he was divorcing me. I had even found a packet that his mother had given him with old divorce papers from her second marriage in 1988. Obviously, she gave them to him as some type of reference material. I said that I hadn't even had time to make arrangements to go elsewhere because I was busy with school and work and that I had taken him seriously about the divorce and wasn't dragging my feet but that I wanted him to approach me when he felt it he wanted to talk and when I wasn't headed out the door for work. He then says that everyone he talks to says that when I told him I wanted to look into what my rights were that I was going to take his house away from him and then says, what do you want 240,000 worth of debt. I said me seeking a lawyer has nothing to do with my trying to take what you have. Anyone getting a divorce should seek out legal help and it would be foolish to sign divorce paperwork someone knew nothing about. He walked out of the room and I followed him while he stood in the kitchen. I said listen, I'm confused. I don't understand what is going on and I'm just as frustrated as you are at this point. I said what is the reason you are going to ask for divorce? He said that he decided that because he can't get passed the little things that I do such as not putting a key on a key ring that that meant he wasn't unconditionally in love with me and if he wasn't unconditionally in love with his wife than he didn't want to be married. It hurt my feelings and I had nothing to say. Before I stepped outside I said I've put years of hard work into this relationship and I have a hard time turning my back on something that I believe can be turned around for the better. When I returned he said that people don't understand how easy it is to file for divorce especially if one of the people defaults on it. He said that if I was to be served that I would have to pay the $500.00 filing fee which I know that isn't true unless he claims that he can't afford the filing fee and he waves it on to me. Because he works under the table he could do that but I believe he is afraid I would let the court system know he was lying and could afford it. Working under the table is illegal because he doesn't get taxed but he still makes more money doing two short construction jobs a month compared to me working all month long. I think he slipped up when he said this but he said that when you fill out paperwork for a divorce you have to list your financial obligations. He said that if I saw that I might get ideas about what I could go after. He owns a home and some property. He and his three brothers also inherited some property from their grandfather that is worth 4.5 million when the market is right but they have been holding onto it for years because at this point it would only go for around $600,000. Here is the deal on that property though. He has never told me this but years ago his sister in law told me that the grandfather specifically stated that when the property sells the 3 boys were to split the profits and the wives of the boys were to get 10% of the profit as well. Whether I'm entitled to that or not I do not know but there is something keeping him from wanting to file now because he is afraid to fill out the financial part of the paperwork. He has made numerous purchases since we have been married including a boat, a trailer, lawn equipment, a huge flat screen T.V., etc. He claims that the only thing I'm entitled to his half of the boat which he didn't want to sell but he would give me $2,000 for it when he got the money. He said the trailer and other purchases were made in Nevada and because Nevada is not a community property state that was all his. We live in California. He said we could stay out of court if we just made an agreement and signed and that he would have a paralegal work with us. I said that I was willing to sit down and make up an agreement but before I signed I would take it in for a second opinion. This did not make him happy. The conversation ended. I felt even more confused than ever. He didn't even want to talk about resolving issues and if I tried to bring certain topics up he would stir back into the direction of divorce.
I continued to work on my school work for the next couple of days and talked to our roommate about what was going on and said that I was beginning to make arrangements to move out and I'd try to be out within the next couple of weeks. Because the holidays are here I didn't want to announce to my family that my husband had asked me for a divorce and that could one of them please feel obligated to take me in while I looked for a place. Everyone in my family is dealing with their own personal stressors and lives. I also did some research and looked into his phone account to see if he had been making calls to other women. I was seeking answers. Nothing strange going on there. I just can't comprehend going from receiving texts from him saying how in love with me he was to all of a sudden getting in a fight over a key and him wanting to end it. The same day our roommate decided to inform my husband that I'd be out in about 2 weeks and all of a sudden his attitude towards me changed. He started being nice – bought me a box of cookies and told the roommate he was buying me a big cake for my birthday on Christmas Day. After two days of his new attitude I felt I should try to sit down and talk to him. He was watching football and I asked if I could talk to him about making arrangements. He said he was busy watching football but turned down the TV. I said calmly and nicely that since I was almost done with school and had some time off work that I was going to start moving some things into a storage unit. He asked if I had gotten a place. I said no but I was working on it and it would be another month before an apartment went through but if I had to I could stay somewhere. He said that I could leave my things and my dog at the house and when I got a place he would help me move it all. I said no that because I'd have time I was going to rent a unit and move it all out within a couple days because when the moving process started I was leaving no reason for me to come back and that communication between would be restricted to only paperwork. I than asked if it would be ok if I took the bed in the spare room and the dresser set because I had given up all of my furniture when we had gotten married and I had no furnishings. He said that his mom had given us those things from his deceased grandmother's home and that if she found out I had them she would get angry. I said I knew she was fond of the headboards but could I take the mattress. He said again that it would make her angry. I said well as far as the dressers went she knew he had refinished them for me. He said they looked good in his room and that she would be angry if I took them. I just remained calm and said never mind. I will come up with something. He then said that I was acting like it was an inconvenience that he got to stay in the home and I had to move. I just sat there and said yes it was. My whole life was changing. It isn't easy to uproot your life in between school and work just out of the blue. I than asked if he made arrangements with the paralegal he was going to call to assist in writing up an agreement. He said he changed his mind that the court house offers free assistance and he couldn't afford a paralegal. I said what are you going to put down as the reason for divorce. He said irreconcilable differences. I said do you really believe our differences are irreconcilable. He began to become angry and said I don't have to answer your "why" questions and because he has repeatedly asked me over and over again to perform simple tasks that he was going to teach me a life lesson so next time I got into a relationship and I was doing things that irritated someone I would immediately stop doing it because I would think about the reason I was divorced in the first place. I said that I wasn't looking to argue but I was maybe looking for some closure. He said that a husband and wife are supposed to worship each other and I don't do anything a wife is supposed to do. He said that everyone around him constantly praises him and tells him he is great and that I see that and withhold that from him. Which isn't true. I don't withhold my love from him. I told him that if anything I've been busy with work and school and I thought he would understand that. I said that he only surrounds himself with people that will praise him and his mother raised him with nothing but positive reinforcement and worship. He can do no wrong in her eyes. He became angry and said that if I knew that was how he was raised than why don't I treat him the way his mother treats him. I said that when people become adults they should be secure enough in themselves to realize that life goes on whether you are constantly praised or not and if he firmly believes that he has such severe anxiety that little things that his wife does are causing his marriage to deteriorate than he should see a doctor because it doesn't matter if I'm around or not that these issues would continue. He said he runs a tight ship and he just wants to come home and have everything in place where he had it before. I said well what about the roommate? I've never met a bigger slob than him. How come he gets to stay? How come his stress level doesn't rise when he looks in his bathroom or bedroom. He paused for a minute and said that he doesn't fight him on everything. He said that just because two people are married doesn't mean a person doesn't have the right to change their mind. I said I'm not trying to change your mind I just feel that marriage is sacred and I would never walk out on a marriage without working on the issues first. He said there are things he wants to do that he can't do while being married. I said you have always lived an unrestricted life. I've never been the type to say he can't do this or that. The only things he can't do is sleep with other women. He said that wasn't what he was talking about. He said that he is a bright and shiny person that needs to shine and when he is with me he is nothing but a dusty old rock. I said you are 40 years old. All of your friends are married and have children and the other friends you have are in their 20's with no real life or relationship advice to offer. I said you act like if you get a divorce your life will magically change and all these things are going to implode into the home and make everything exciting and better. I said it doesn't work that way. He then began to get extremely angry and said he was done with the conversation and if I didn't shut up he would make the house a battle zone and force me out. The last thing I said was that he was never going to find anyone to meet the expectations he was asking for because nobody is perfect not even him.
So here I am. It's Christmas Day and it's my birthday. Every day I wake up crying. I feel like this is a cruel joke or a nightmare. I just never thought I'd get a divorce and for the reasons that he claims. I've done some research and he seems to be Narcissist. I mean he fits into every example given on the web. He is extremely good looking so moving on won't be hard for him. Not to mention, he is not surrounded with anyone that will give him any meaningful advice on marriage. His mother is coaching him on how to get a divorce and will reinforce anything he says no matter how outrageous it sounds. Everyone agrees their relationship is twisted. People in public have even asked if they are husband and wife. He is not willing to communicate on any level of fairness with me. As soon as I say something he cuts me off saying I cut him off but I can't get a word in edge wise hence the reason we have gone so long without talking. He's done things in the past that were hard for me to forgive him for but I did and these things he can't forgive me for seem petty. We have split up a couple times in the past before being married and I've moved out and moved on with my life but he has always tracked me down and has begged me to come back into his life. His grandmother just died and some people think he may have come into an inheritance that he doesn't want to share with me. I am not like that. We have always had separate bank accounts and have always split all the bills but I've fronted out more money in the marriage than he has. So I'm just lost. Anyone have any words of wisdom for me?
Put the internet to work for you.
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