I really need some input here as I can no longer see who is right, who is wrong, if there is any hope, if giving up is the right thing to do at this point because I don't know what else to do. Any input is welcome here.
His background: Grew up in a family where conflict was not allowed. If things were bad, you pretended they weren't. If you pretended things were fine, then they were. If issues existed with relationships outside the family you didn't confront they or try to work them out. You cut that person/people off completely.
My background: Conflict was allowed and accepted. I don't think it was always handled in the best way as sometimes there would be shouting rather than constructive discussion. But issues did get voiced and resolved and resentments did not build up at least.
So the two styles are really denial and avoidance vs. full expression leading to resolution.
The style I bring to marriage is to talk about things calmly and work them out with the other person. I can admit when I am wrong and make changes but I am able to stick by my important values even if it is 'agree to disagree' where needed. My husband has stuck by his family style of avoidance, refusal to acknowledge issues and passive aggressiveness at times.
This is not a good dynamic in my marriage as it leads to me trying to raise, discuss and resolve issues. My doing this leads to him being completely silent and shutting down and doing everything he can to avoid the discussion. I admit this leads to frustration and sometimes leads to me expressing this which he perceives as nagging and can be less than positive.
We have issues around communication and I feel emotionally neglected. My feeling emotionally neglected has affected things in the bedroom - which he also refuses to discuss. I have tried for years now to talk about issues, explained what I need, tried to make a positive difference in our marriage. With no success. It is like trying to talk to a brick wall. I have got as specific as scripting what I need to hear from him when he says that he doesn't know what I need - I can't get clearer than saying I would like you to ask me this question. Several times later, he still hasn't asked. He has put his own agendas ahead of my own goals. I supported him with his career believing he would support me with mine. His career has flourished and mine has been altered completely due to maneuverings on his part. I am working now to get that back on track without his help or support.
For length I won't go into more details about what I have tried to help things but I am at the point where I can do no more. In recognizing that it takes two people to work on a marriage and resolve issues and that I can't do it on my own, I have come to understand that it is hopeless while he stonewalls. The only thing I can do is look after myself.
What this means is that I am now at the place where I have detached, I don't try to work on the marriage because I just can't, I am resigned to a marriage without intimate connection. I share none of the normal stuff with him such as my medical information and day to day things outside the most basic, I don't share any personal worries or concerns with him. I've just given up. We operate as a household and partnership for practical concerns and that is it.
He does not like this and is withholding all affection. He has lost every friendship and family relationship he's ever had to his outward indifference and conflict style. I'm all he has. Yet he is sticking to his conflict style of avoidance. This is just losing me further.
How can you save a marriage with this kind of dynamic? I'm starting to wonder if it is even possible.
His background: Grew up in a family where conflict was not allowed. If things were bad, you pretended they weren't. If you pretended things were fine, then they were. If issues existed with relationships outside the family you didn't confront they or try to work them out. You cut that person/people off completely.
My background: Conflict was allowed and accepted. I don't think it was always handled in the best way as sometimes there would be shouting rather than constructive discussion. But issues did get voiced and resolved and resentments did not build up at least.
So the two styles are really denial and avoidance vs. full expression leading to resolution.
The style I bring to marriage is to talk about things calmly and work them out with the other person. I can admit when I am wrong and make changes but I am able to stick by my important values even if it is 'agree to disagree' where needed. My husband has stuck by his family style of avoidance, refusal to acknowledge issues and passive aggressiveness at times.
This is not a good dynamic in my marriage as it leads to me trying to raise, discuss and resolve issues. My doing this leads to him being completely silent and shutting down and doing everything he can to avoid the discussion. I admit this leads to frustration and sometimes leads to me expressing this which he perceives as nagging and can be less than positive.
We have issues around communication and I feel emotionally neglected. My feeling emotionally neglected has affected things in the bedroom - which he also refuses to discuss. I have tried for years now to talk about issues, explained what I need, tried to make a positive difference in our marriage. With no success. It is like trying to talk to a brick wall. I have got as specific as scripting what I need to hear from him when he says that he doesn't know what I need - I can't get clearer than saying I would like you to ask me this question. Several times later, he still hasn't asked. He has put his own agendas ahead of my own goals. I supported him with his career believing he would support me with mine. His career has flourished and mine has been altered completely due to maneuverings on his part. I am working now to get that back on track without his help or support.
For length I won't go into more details about what I have tried to help things but I am at the point where I can do no more. In recognizing that it takes two people to work on a marriage and resolve issues and that I can't do it on my own, I have come to understand that it is hopeless while he stonewalls. The only thing I can do is look after myself.
What this means is that I am now at the place where I have detached, I don't try to work on the marriage because I just can't, I am resigned to a marriage without intimate connection. I share none of the normal stuff with him such as my medical information and day to day things outside the most basic, I don't share any personal worries or concerns with him. I've just given up. We operate as a household and partnership for practical concerns and that is it.
He does not like this and is withholding all affection. He has lost every friendship and family relationship he's ever had to his outward indifference and conflict style. I'm all he has. Yet he is sticking to his conflict style of avoidance. This is just losing me further.
How can you save a marriage with this kind of dynamic? I'm starting to wonder if it is even possible.
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