So my wife and I have been together about 11 years total, and we've pretty much always lived within an hour or less of her parents. My wife's parents in my opinion are basically decent people but they're not always the easiest people to deal with. Nonetheless, because I'm the type to get along with most people, I get along with them fine.
My wife, on the other hand, doesn't get along so well with them, and every so often she has a terrible fight with them. She'll say the worst things about them to their faces -- basically making it sound like they're terrible people with no redeeming qualities. Before our daughter was born she used to get so angry at them that she'd threaten that when we had kids she wouldn't let them see our kids.
I guess my wife feels like they neglected her growing up, which may be true. They were young when they had her and they worked long hours and probably weren't the greatest parents and didn't make her feel loved enough. At the same time, at some point I think you have to move on from these things. You can't keep screaming at your parents for your whole life as though you're finally going to get what they never gave you. Plus when you tell people how terrible they are you just do more damage.
But the other half of their relationship is that she's also dependent on them. She doesn't need to be, really, but she sets things up so she is. For example, she decided we needed to buy a place soon and didn't want to wait a few years and save up for the down payment. So she went to them, and they helped us. I can't really complain -- I'm happy my daughter is going to have a home that's not rented -- but it would have been fine if we waited a few more years til we could do it ourselves. We have decent jobs and she won't be in school for a few more years. And my mother-in-law also watches our daughter twice a week, which honestly is great for us and for our daughter, who loves her grandma.
Sorry for rambling, but what I'm getting at is that I think my wife needs to let go of some of the anger at her parents already, but I can't get her to see it. I can see a lot of her complaints about them - I see how they can be cold and self-centered and not get her needs. But I also see that they're basically good people deep down, and that anyway there's no way she's going to change them so she might as well accept it. How do I get her to see this? Can I? Am I wrong? Should I stay out of it?
My wife, on the other hand, doesn't get along so well with them, and every so often she has a terrible fight with them. She'll say the worst things about them to their faces -- basically making it sound like they're terrible people with no redeeming qualities. Before our daughter was born she used to get so angry at them that she'd threaten that when we had kids she wouldn't let them see our kids.
I guess my wife feels like they neglected her growing up, which may be true. They were young when they had her and they worked long hours and probably weren't the greatest parents and didn't make her feel loved enough. At the same time, at some point I think you have to move on from these things. You can't keep screaming at your parents for your whole life as though you're finally going to get what they never gave you. Plus when you tell people how terrible they are you just do more damage.
But the other half of their relationship is that she's also dependent on them. She doesn't need to be, really, but she sets things up so she is. For example, she decided we needed to buy a place soon and didn't want to wait a few years and save up for the down payment. So she went to them, and they helped us. I can't really complain -- I'm happy my daughter is going to have a home that's not rented -- but it would have been fine if we waited a few more years til we could do it ourselves. We have decent jobs and she won't be in school for a few more years. And my mother-in-law also watches our daughter twice a week, which honestly is great for us and for our daughter, who loves her grandma.
Sorry for rambling, but what I'm getting at is that I think my wife needs to let go of some of the anger at her parents already, but I can't get her to see it. I can see a lot of her complaints about them - I see how they can be cold and self-centered and not get her needs. But I also see that they're basically good people deep down, and that anyway there's no way she's going to change them so she might as well accept it. How do I get her to see this? Can I? Am I wrong? Should I stay out of it?
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