This is my first post on here, just joined yesterday and glad I found this site.
My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years, and we have always had a bit of financial trouble. I hate to blame it all on her, but she has struggled with being financially responsible for most of those 15 years. I mean everyone screws up now and then, but we learn from those mistakes- live and learn.
Five years ago my job took me to a very rural area where she was unable to find employment, but she kept spending like she was still making money. I'll spare you all the details, but over a two year period she drained our nest egg of 50k, took the kids savings accounts, and borrowed money from friends and family to support her spending and gambling habit. I kicked her out for about a month,but then took her back in with the agreement to do some marriage counseling (for sake of our children). Things got alot better, and a year later I loved her more than ever. I did have to take total control over ALL aspects of our finances. I don't think she like that, but I did openly talk to her often about things she needed. We went grocery shopping together, paid the bills together, and balance the checkbook together.
A little over a year ago we moved back closer to home and she was employed within a week with a good job in her field. As soon as she gained employment she opened her own bank account, which is fine-I refused to have her on my account because of past problems with her spending and taking checks and then screwing up our finances. Soon after she got a job, I realized she was no longer getting mail at our home, after months of prying she finally admitted to having her own PO Box. I have never seen any of her mail, bank statements, check book register, or anything of a personal nature of hers in over a year. I know she is on her third bank in the last year, I assume due to bad checks, etc.
I know she cannot manage her money and I want to help, but she will not talk to me about it, she absolutely refuses. I pay the rent and all household bills, because when I relied on her to help with them they were always late, or the checks were returned. Her only obligation to our family is to buy groceries, and her gas and other personal expenses. And she is still broke at the end of every month.
Several months ago we found a house we really liked and decided to buy it. She has terrible credit so I did all the negotiating. I told her I would only buy the house if she came clean with all of the skeletons in her closet and we act like mature, responsible grownups. I told her I needed to see bank statements, she had to forward her mail to our house, etc. She agreed. Never happened.
Well it just so happened we had a hard time getting the house due to a second lien, but the realtor called me Friday and they cleared it all up and we are ready to go. I told my wife the good news that evening, but told her that I was not comfortable buying the house until we changed the things in our relationship we had talked about earlier. She has not spoken to me since.
I really do not know how to get through to her. I have tried and tried to talk about our problems with her, and told her I dont care what comes out in the wash - we can work through it. We could have a really good life if she would just act like an adult and be responsible. This morning someone called for her from one of these payday loan places saying her application had been approved. WTH!
I could go on and on but I don't know that would help. I don't know if I want advice, or someone to tell me I am over-reacting, or someone to just feel sorry for me. Is it normal to have everything separate like this? I know she is hiding things from me, but how do I get her to open up? Divorce has been discussed in detail, but I really want my kids to grow up with both parents...
My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years, and we have always had a bit of financial trouble. I hate to blame it all on her, but she has struggled with being financially responsible for most of those 15 years. I mean everyone screws up now and then, but we learn from those mistakes- live and learn.
Five years ago my job took me to a very rural area where she was unable to find employment, but she kept spending like she was still making money. I'll spare you all the details, but over a two year period she drained our nest egg of 50k, took the kids savings accounts, and borrowed money from friends and family to support her spending and gambling habit. I kicked her out for about a month,but then took her back in with the agreement to do some marriage counseling (for sake of our children). Things got alot better, and a year later I loved her more than ever. I did have to take total control over ALL aspects of our finances. I don't think she like that, but I did openly talk to her often about things she needed. We went grocery shopping together, paid the bills together, and balance the checkbook together.
A little over a year ago we moved back closer to home and she was employed within a week with a good job in her field. As soon as she gained employment she opened her own bank account, which is fine-I refused to have her on my account because of past problems with her spending and taking checks and then screwing up our finances. Soon after she got a job, I realized she was no longer getting mail at our home, after months of prying she finally admitted to having her own PO Box. I have never seen any of her mail, bank statements, check book register, or anything of a personal nature of hers in over a year. I know she is on her third bank in the last year, I assume due to bad checks, etc.
I know she cannot manage her money and I want to help, but she will not talk to me about it, she absolutely refuses. I pay the rent and all household bills, because when I relied on her to help with them they were always late, or the checks were returned. Her only obligation to our family is to buy groceries, and her gas and other personal expenses. And she is still broke at the end of every month.
Several months ago we found a house we really liked and decided to buy it. She has terrible credit so I did all the negotiating. I told her I would only buy the house if she came clean with all of the skeletons in her closet and we act like mature, responsible grownups. I told her I needed to see bank statements, she had to forward her mail to our house, etc. She agreed. Never happened.
Well it just so happened we had a hard time getting the house due to a second lien, but the realtor called me Friday and they cleared it all up and we are ready to go. I told my wife the good news that evening, but told her that I was not comfortable buying the house until we changed the things in our relationship we had talked about earlier. She has not spoken to me since.
I really do not know how to get through to her. I have tried and tried to talk about our problems with her, and told her I dont care what comes out in the wash - we can work through it. We could have a really good life if she would just act like an adult and be responsible. This morning someone called for her from one of these payday loan places saying her application had been approved. WTH!
I could go on and on but I don't know that would help. I don't know if I want advice, or someone to tell me I am over-reacting, or someone to just feel sorry for me. Is it normal to have everything separate like this? I know she is hiding things from me, but how do I get her to open up? Divorce has been discussed in detail, but I really want my kids to grow up with both parents...
Put the internet to work for you.
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