Sexual Disconnect: Stage 1 to Stage 4 defined

Feedback welcome :) :) Recently a poster suggested using a Stage 1-4 structure for diagnosing an LD spouse's level of dysfunction. Below, I took a crack at defining the degree of sexual disconnect between a married couple. I have tried hard to capture the common contributions of both the HD and LD spouses. For this draft I am minimizing use of sexual frequency numbers and primarily defining the stages in terms of common toxic behaviors that seem to come with the territory because it is this dysfunction that often does more damage than the disconnect itself: - Lying, tolerating lies or even encouraging dishonest answers to our questions - Making and accepting statements that totally contradict objectively observable events - Blameshifting - Treating your partner with sexual contempt and tolerating sexual contempt (giving or receiving corpse sex - kiss less sex, hurry the hell up sex, etc.) - Crazily bidding up the 'value' of marital sex in a degrading manner The term sexual 'gap' refers to the difference in desired frequency, engagement level and/or desired sexual activities. Stage 1: (both spouses are working towards or have reached a workable compromise) - The gap is causing sexual tension and conflict, but isn't substantially harming the rest of the marriage - Both spouses are making an effort to keep it manageable - A mutually tolerable frequency has been agreed and the LD partner signals their receptivity to minimize incidents where they reject their HD partner - It is neither compulsively discussed or obsessively avoided. - The gap is painful but sincere - it isn't driven by sadism, manipulation, etc. The LD partner does not: - Believe that they are the first, last and only word on whether or not sex is happening - Flirt and forget, or worse tease and pretend can't understand why that is hurtful - Seriously exaggerate the amount of sex they are having - Demonize their HD partner for having a higher drive or 'ONLY caring about sex' - Pretend they think the HD partner is happy with the status quo The HD partner does not: - Create a hyper-sexualized environment via unwanted groping, leering, comments etc. - Try to force a higher level of frequency/activity by tolerating a high rate of rejection or begging/groveling or whining - Participate in degrading sex with a partner who: (1) won't kiss them or (2) just lies there or (3) otherwise makes it clear they wish they were doing anything else - Pressure their LD partner to tell them how great it was afterwards - React negatively when it is clear their partner partner didn't reach the rapture Stage 2: Is characterized by (1) a steady increase in HD 'fixer' behaviors and (2) a steady decrease in the frequency of fully engaged, mutually positive sexual activity - Deception/self deception are increasing as are boundary erosion and sadism - The size/duration of the gap is spilling outside the bedroom - Both partners have accepted frequent sexual rejection as the 'new normal' - Both partners are digging in: the HD is pouring more time and effort into 'fixing' their interaction, and the LD partner is now shutting down communication about it The first signs of patterned LD partner cruelty have appeared: - They up the ante, trying to find their HD partners boundaries: for example if the LD partner comes first, they stop sex before the HD partner comes - Flirting/teasing and then not following through - In 'talks' they exaggerate frequency and blame shift - Insulting the HD partner for 'ONLY' caring about sex - Engaging in public displays of affection that imply the marriage is sexually healthy - Claiming the overall marriage is fine The HD partner, boundaries crumbling is now trading respect and self respect for sex: - Performing an escalating series of actions to try to raise the frequency/activity - Tolerating a high rate of rejection in the hope of hearing yes - Engaging in some level of begging/groveling/whining - Enabling some level of degrading sex with a partner who: (1) won't kiss them or (2) just lies there or (3) otherwise makes it clear they wish they were doing anything else - Is unwilling to force a 'real' talk - fearful of what they will hear - Is showing a level of weakness to their LD partner that is toxic to respect and love Stage 3: The marriage is now technically sexless at 10 or fewer times a year - The overall marriage is now seriously impaired - The HD partner is still trying but is more depressed/demoralized than anxious/angry - The LD partner has lost empathy and respect for their HD spouse - Both partners accept the LD partner having total sexual control - This situation typically stays the same or worsens unless a major event happens (an affair, last child leaves the house, major illness) Stage 4: The HD partner has lost hope and no longer tries to date/romance/excite their LD spouse. Sex remains less than 10 times a year.

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