Can't even think of a title, wife is cheating

I've read a lot here already since I found the forum, but I still don't know all the acronyms y'all use. I'm going to kind of just write it all out as a first step to coming to terms with what has happened. Is online video sex cheating? I think so, but I know for a ****ing fact that actual ****ing is cheating, and saying you love another person is cheating. I went on a business trip, my first ever, a year ago and that is when it first started. She told me how she met a couple of guys online that she talked to (each independently) and she had flirted but it wasn't anything serious. After arguments I resigned that she was seeming happier, and her self esteem had been boosted, what could it hurt? I went on another trip shortly thereafter and it just seemed to be getting worse. I let myself just be a doormat to this, we even paid for a plane ticket that she never took (whew). She had been sick for years, become agoraphobic slightly so I saw positivity in the changes, but I was pissed off most of the time. Her father was sick at this same time, and passed away finally. I was working and going to school, she looked for comfort from her friends, she now has a bunch, even though I was right beside her, asking her to just talk to me. The year ends, I am very paranoid, I go looking and find some pictures she has sent a friend and confront her about them on our anniversary of all days. It's hell. Without her support, and fighting about her friends, I melt down. School is too much, I'm at a breaking point and I get a job offer in another state. We've wanted to go for some time, it is a big improvement, I take it and we move. She narrows down her friends to two or three, but it escalates. I find videos, very explicit ones, that she shared with them, and then with me (saying it was for me). I confront her again but about dirty conversations that drive me nuts, she responds that I've violated her privacy, and she is right I did, but it deflects from her act and I don't realize it. We continue on. She gets a ticket to visit one of them, from him, she says to me this is it, she's going to go, and that it will be over. After just a couple days she calls feeling sick and wanting to come home. I buy a return ticket and she comes back, all the while saying she should have stayed. She is always sick, it's just how our life is. I found out that they were intimate, I'm devastated, everything I've sacrificed taking care of her. What drove her to do it, why, what have I done wrong. She is going again in a couple weeks, she says she isn't going to **** him, but I know the truth now. We got in an argument last night, she was very agitated about a sickness hurting her and is taking it out on me. I lose control for a second and raise my voice. She collapsed into a fetal position, believing that I was going to hit her, and not stop. We've never gotten physically violent in our 7 years of marriage. So I know she has cyber sex, I know she shows it all, I know she has done ... things ... with this one guy. I started trying to look for an affair of my own, and it ain't so easy as I hoped, turns out I'm not nearly the catch I thought. Why haven't I left, why didn't I leave before? I keep hoping that she will stop being sick, that she will quit these guys and we can continue on the life we planned a year before. If I leave her now, in another state where she has no family, what will she do? She threatens suicide often enough I take her seriously. We don't even have a real apartment here yet, just our cars. I find that I want to abuse drugs, alcohol, strip clubs, I just want to shut this whole life out. I want to drown because I can't seem to do anything, and the only option I have that will take all this away is leaving her, which I haven't been able to do either. I've got an email written to her right now, I've been working on it, that tells her I know all the things she has done. I know she'll focus on how I violated her privacy, how I spied on her. She'll say she will just give them all up an live a miserable life and just suck it up. I think I just want out. We don't have kids, just a dog. The problem is when I see her sick, I set aside how I feel, I want to take care of her. The only time we had a life was the first few months, before her first sickness. I'm tired, I have no support system and neither does she. I hate her, I love her, she is the only family I've got and she is abusing me.

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