| Hi. So I found this site via google, so it must be bad. Where to start. First things first if I come across as weird thats because I am, I cannot help it. Its ruining my life but I need to tell you some key things about my past, current situation and health info if you are to help or give me advice. But if you have the time, please do try and give me and inform/answer as I am in urgent need of help. OK. So, I am 29, approaching 30. I have not had sex for 5 years, in fact I have probably had sex 5 times in my life, and I was with a beautifulk girl for the best part of my twenties. I joined the armed forces at 15.5 yrs and was chucked out of school etc so I missed that period of being with girls, learning how to be confident etc. I left the armed forces on bad terms aged 21 (via military prison) but that was because I fell in love with a beautiful, and I mean a gorgeous girl. She was 2 yrs younger than me. The catch? She had come out of a violent relationship and she was scared to get physical etc and had no confidence.Tbh I didn't have much either. Anyway, we started getting high, a lot, and that was the downfall. Any spare time was spent raving with idiots who weren't really our friends and most of the time we were just best friends. I desprately love her. I really do, I would do anything to be with her. Its been 3 yrs and my heart still feels like it has been ripped out. It was partly my fault. I never cheated on her, how could I the actual thought of sex repulses me. But we moved to a new city to be with these so called 'friends' 2 years of drug addiction followed, a crazy life where i lost a decent career as a rec. consultant, lost about 8 job, arrested 3 times, nearly went to prison, actually died of an overdose only to be resuscitated by that girl. Its crazy, but hang on I have to get this out. When she left me, which was the right thing to do as I had mental health issues where as she could do the drugs and be happy, I was a maniac. The paranoia started. Anyway for theose 3 years my life has been hell. I could tell you stuff that you wouldn't believe that I have done all because of a glutinous personality. But I used to be a real good person. The life of the party. But because of those stupid 3 years hanging around with those idiots and not respecting my body, career or girl I ruined everything. I ended up working on minimum wage in a callcentre getting told I am evil everyday because I con old ladies, thats the truth too. Its my fault, I get that. I even hung myself Jan 21st to punish myself. Honestly I fully understand the issues I have caused. When I woke up sedated in a mental health hospital I kinda hit the bottom, I fully surveyed the damage and my life was a mess. 4 weeks later they released me. Granted it has worked. I seldom binge drink, I smokeish, but there is a drastic improvement, well sort of. I do not do drugs which is excellent.Therefore I do not stink of urine every day, I can now wear designer clothes and afford proper food without stealing tins of baked beans because I spent my last £10 on a drug that doesn't even work. Its a start. But trust me on this I am trying real hard here to sort things out and I am 100% on my own here. 100%. Everyday, I see people at work, but I am a recluse because of the way my head is which is absurd. So a few months later, a few bumps on the way, I found a relatively decent job, well it is above minimum wage and it was cool. The paranoia is awful still, literally one thing that is said turns into a psychotic episode, but I am getting there. I am running. My sports news website is going really well. I am looking after my mother who needed me badly and I neglected her. I am taking the tablets, well the anti-depressant, not the anti-psychotic ones as they ruin me and I cannot work on them. I want to earn, to be a fully fledged member of society. Now I sit in my room, I wrote for my site, I try and stay away from the bad things. The alcohol which has ruined my life for 2 decades.The drugs. The ciggies. So if I am doing all these things then why is my life no better? I don't think people understand when I tell them I have no social life, friends and I never speak to the opposite sex. Its crazy stuff. I can't get my head around it and it has to change. The reason I say this is yes the whole thing, dating, talking initially to a girl, the sex its like alien to me but I reckon it can give me the spark that will make me happy again make the person I used to be that made my ex fall in love with me. Can I get it back if I somehow take the plunge? It also doesn't help that I am a lousy coward. But is this it? I don't know many people who are 29 and do not have any, and I mean ANY contact with females. I am not gay. I am very good looking and I promise you I am not being egotistical as you can tell by what I have written I have zero confidence and I am a battered mental wreck. People always comment on my looks, blue eyes, my 'personality' but they don't know I am freak. Well most at work do, and girls defo do as every time I manage to go near one I must give of negative vibes. I really can't go on like this its such a waste. If I really tried I could land a beautiful GF again, but what do I tell her even if I get to that stage? I am a freak with a severe mental health issues that I do not take the required tablets for? I cannot have sex with you because? And theres about 20 bloody reasons. Its literally a no go in that dept and its ruining my life. My ex went straight into a relationship with a french guy, and you can tell she has sex with him, when for 5 fucking years I had none. Yes I was on drugs, but so was she. Yes I kinda didn't try sometimes, but only because you always told me 'another night' which in turn shattered what confidence I had to. All this crap about soul-mates? I was a wa***er but at least I didn't make up stuff about always being together. Thats cruel. She dumped me on the day I got made redundant, for the third time in a row. And then she does that to me. At least I am a man and I know that I should of treated her better, but I am here being honest and I know exactly where I went wrong in life. Meanwhile she has all the friends we moved down here for, she has a BF, she has been away travelling, and I am sitting here in my f**king room on my own again with no friends and I mean no friends, with a head full of evil thoughts and no confidence to talk to a girl when all I have to talk and I can get one. DOES ANYBODY ELSE GET WHERE I AM COMING FROM? CAN ANYBODY HELP ME. PLEASE. I JUST NEED TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. DO I SERIOUSLY DESERVE TO BE IN THIS PREDICAMENT? All I need to know is how to find a girl I can talk to just to be in with a chance that doesn't involve going to a bar or on a date. I am sorry if I wasted your time but I am prope stuck | |||
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