| I'm almost at the end of my rope on this. I've been married for 7 years now, and it just feels like our marriage is foundering and has been heading south over the past two years. We have a two year old daughter, are relatively stable financially, and are both employed. Issues: 1) her job is with a start-up and she is often not home until 7:30, or 8, or 8:30, or 9 or occasionally even later (note: she is not having an affair and using work as an excuse). This means I get stuck at home with our daughter and have to do cooking, cleaning, laundry, bedtime duty, pet duty, and various other things, but also I can't do any of the plethora of extra things that my job comes with. Also, when she comes home, she's exhausted, irritable, and unhappy. Which leads me into: 2) house cleanliness is a big thing with her, so she wants to spend weekend time doing big tasks. I understand that, but quite frankly, it seems unfair when I am doing all the other stuff that runs the house, and then have to give up weekend time to do more cleaning (instead of social stuff, or catching up on my own work - which is considerable). So when she announces that she wants to clean, my back goes up, and we end up fighting... 3) which is another issue. She is very rigid, hates deviations from her own plans, can be a control freak. So whenever I want to clean or do anything in a way she didn't decide it had to be done in, suddenly I'm ruining everything. 4) In fact, communication is brutal lately. Every time I don't agree with her, it's a fight. There's no such thing as a disagreement, or a dispute, or a spat. It's a FIGHT. In her eyes, I'm belittling her, undermining her, or insulting her by not holding the exact same opinion. Also, no issue or event from any time in our relationship is off-limits. Anything I've done from any time in the past five years is routinely thrown back in my face. 5) I also am finding her incredibly uncompassionate and unsympathetic. Every time I have an issue and tell her (in a FIGHT, of course), her response is that I knew what I was getting and she can't change (so I'm supposed to?), or that I need to stop being so sensitive. When I'm upset, and she asks what is wrong, I don't even feel like telling her, because either I'm being too sensitive, or it's an attack on her and then, you know, FIGHT time. 6) And of course, because you want to know, the sex. Nothing to know, because nothing's happening. Maybe once a month. I try to initiate a lot, but for the past year or so, the excuse is that she's too tired at night, so maybe in the morning? Great, but I leave for work at 6:45 AM, and of course, I can't wake her up, because, you know, she's tired. Maybe on a weekend, if she isn't tired, or our daughter isn't up and about, or she's actually feeling like it. Incidentally, we've done it maybe twice in the past six weeks (we were on vacation for two and managed to sneak in just once). Of course, in the last big FIGHT, I pointed out how lackluster it's been on this front, and she actually told me she didn't like it because I'm not any good in the sack. (Which is really the one thing you should never say to a guy...). No, she never initiates sex, she hasn't attempted oral sex since pre-engagement, and it's the same routine every time. If she doesn't have an orgasm, she pou ts and gets angry at me, and if she does before I finish (no seconds for her, ever, won't allow it), she actually demands I finish as quickly as possible. 7) Finally (there are other things, but these are the big ones), she's gained a huge amount of weight since we've been married (like 110 pounds, give or take 10 pounds). She didn't exercise and she works a desk job so it's all sedentary all the time, although her diet actually is okay. She just joined a gym (hugely expensive), but really needs to change small behaviors (like getting off the couch and getting things for herself, or walking the dogs in the morning instead of it being my job), but she won't. I haven't said a word to her about it. So anyway, I'm miserable, she's miserable, and I don't know what to do. Please help...I'd suggest therapy, but she'd probably tell me she doesn't have time. Thanks. | |||
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