| Hey, I 'm now writting this post here, largely because of the experiences I had, or should I say, didn't have. Well, I'll say it right away- I've been sort of looking for a girlfriend for a couple of years; since 2008; I'm now 22; I know that there's nothing wrong in not having a stable relationship at this age; I even don't want sth as people generally associate with love\relationship.... TO be honest, .... to be honest, I've came to a conclusion that people act completely emotionally, completely like animals; No matter what do they say; no matter how proud they may be of their marriages\ sacraments of marriage or those other bull****s.... ( I came a long way, from being an atheist, through the period of wondering about that subject ( but it never really seemed logical to me- to believe in allmighty god... finally ending with a view that religion itself is a bull****; likewise all the sacraments of marriage..... I just don't buy that stuff. Ok, having said that --> what's my problem? - Well, it's a sort of longing for a relationship; for a girl who would have cared for me, who would have asked me how do I feel.... The one with whom I would have been able to go out, and dunno, go to a movie, eat a dinner; ride a bike, go jogging, go making some photos; to talk about books\mine\herinterests.... to become INSPIRED, to gain motivation.... (you are probably aware of what I'm describing). And obviously there are thousands of people like me.... I just can't buy it; that to some people, everything just miraculously happen.... that they somehow devote less time for studying, get better marks in their Universities.... have fun all the time.... and that I'm continually trying to achieve my goals.... and continually achieve less than I strived for.... (I know that I had an accident, lost memory (.....) , and that my brain' power may never fully recover (in logical\abstract\mathematical thinking); but I just don't want to acept that. I want to finish these studies; and go to economics.... to achievethe dream of my life, to become an economist; analyse international economic relations.... that staff. \\\\\\ And then, there comes another sort of world... another sort of longing... of goals???? But how can I call sth based upon sex drive, as a major definite purpose in life??? That's nonsense, ridiculous, madness!!! That would have meant that humans cannot abandon their instincts..... So, let's assume, they cannot do so.... There are signs coming from everywhere around me that humans act in this primitive sort of way.... It seems as if they did, it seems as if more than 90% of my friends had relationships..... well, I know that these can be 20% which are in fact in marriages or sth like that... but still. It drives me mad that the year after year (after 2009- accident) I try so hard; oftentimes falling asleep at 3 a.m. because of studying.... and then it turns out that: I failed the exam; I feel exhausted.... and I see other people passing exam effortlessly, and, what's more important; when I had been forcing myself to coming back to work, back to work (studying ofcourse) . .... they go to parties, go to real work.... eh, I now realize that I don't have a clear question to ask here; and that probably all that I'm looking for is the opportunity to share my thoughts with someone. ;( cos I would hate to admit to other people that I'm depressed... I even hate to admit it to myself,,,, AM I at all? Shall I be??? \\\\ But let's leave even that staff. Who cares. who cares..... who cares --> that's the prevailing theme that's been occupying my mind recently. Who cares at all? People come, and people go away.... they pretend to are; but they don't; even if they are your best friend- all that occupy their minds are their own problems, their own live events .... they my even neglect our problems.... There's much more that I can write.... but is there any sense in doing so??? \\\\\\\\ So let's move to the part that's occupying my mind continually; .... well, not all the time; let me describe it: That 2008 event about which I've already mentioned - I was 17 at that time; pretty childish, as all the boys at that age.... And then, while being on a summer camp in Tunisia,I met an interesting? girl.. Well, she seemed to be interesting. SHe seemed to be more intelligent and wise than I was... She was 1,5 year older..... ANd her personality; her way of living impressed me..... A LOT :scratchhead: So I tried my best; well, to become her friend first; I've spent 2 whole weeks accompanying her; well, of course not so madly as one may think; I never said anything about my emotions; nor gave a sexual gesture..... And that was probably a mistake.... probably, cos at that time I didn't have this knowledge that I have now...... \\\\\\\\\ Ok, but let's assume that what had happened is over; no returning back to the past.... (I can write a book about it after loosing memory... but it may be boring); let's assume that she never existed... that she was the 'figment of my imagination' (...); You know what, I've tried so hard to forget those events... to get rid of the stupid, irrational thought like: "Look Karol what You've lost.... That girl..... that beautiful, intelligent and calm girl was at your fingertips ...." and I see the idealised image.... the creation of my imagination... affected by the accident... and by the previous experiences..... that... that it was probably the first girl I really liked... ok, what then? - At the present moment, I'm working madly all the time; every day, no matter if weekend\holiday\whatever... I'm trying to be at least as good as others... to pass all the exams.... to find a job and to earn some money during the holidays; to go somewhere then..... And here arise the influx of those same thoughts, I've alrady described - When thinking about what I would like to do in summer, let say, to spend one or two weeks travelling around Europe; at best, to Italy\ or Spain.... there arise the issue of money -->I mean, I want to earn money, as not to decrease my savings, and as to be at least partly independent from parents' support.... and the issue with job is as it is... not promising; \\\\ Ok, I wrote all of this, NOT to initiate ad-judgments about what shall I do, and what shall I not do... though it might have been helpful; My only question is - Am I too ambitious?? Shall I settle for less? I hate this thought, I hate even daring to thing this bull****....cos I AM CAPABLE OF ACHIEVING ANYTHING I WANT IN LIVE ..... but but I don't know ..... but there's no one; no single individual who would have encouraged me\motivated me\console me at the moments of a silent cry of despair... Can I call it whis way? I doubt it\ I'm no longer considering suicide at all; (I did so in 2009, after loosing my memory)... but not now Help me guys, console me.... that there's really everything ok with me, cos it freaks me out... I'm nearly 22 years old and I have tears in my eyes now; and hate it; hate being so emotional;and love it at the same time..... I accept myself, and love myself; but I want to achieve more, and that seems as if I were making little or no progress at all. I'll be really grateful for all your comments and advises. Thanks a lot for reading this! | |||
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