| I don't really know what I hope to gain by posting here, but I've been lurking on these boards for the last two and a half months, and have come to value all of your opinions and collective wisdom immensely. So I suppose I would like to have some of that directed at my situation since I've never really been very good at introspection. I know this will open me up to a lot of potential criticism but I'm fairly sure that it won't be any worse than the thoughts that already go through my head on a daily basis at this point anyway. I am a cheater. I know this site is about marriage but we are not married. Me 30 her 26. We are both once divorced (actually hers is still pending but may as well be over for all it matters to her emotionally). We have been together going on 3 years, no kids but she has a 4 year old daughter from her marriage and we have lived together for a year and a half. DDay was Feb 27 when my girlfriend finally had enough of just being suspicious and asked up front to see the telephone records. She suspected I was still texting my XW and I was, had been even though she had caught me once before in April '12. There wasn't even much there that was flirtatious, mostly just comparing lives post-D, so at the time I couldn't have told you why I kept up with it, but I've come to understand that I have difficulty turning down female attention. GF asked if there was more and I lied. After she left for work I freaked and changed the password for the phone records and ignored her texts and calls all day. I got all my **** packed expecting to be thrown out but she begged me to stay and talk it out. She had to drag the rest out of me for the next couple of days. The dating sites. The ONS from when we had only been seeing each other for a few months. Three visits to 'full-service' massage parlors. And a two-month EA/PA with a friends' separated sbtxw consisting of kissing at a mutual friend's wedding (before they were separated) followed by some texting over the next couple of months (as they were separating) finally culminating in sex at her place (after separation) while GF was at work. I say EA but I don't feel like I ever considered it as more than masturbation+. She asked for more but I told her that I felt like it was the worst thing I had ever done and didn't ever want to see her again. What got GF suspicious in the first place was that the sex had dropped off. For the first two years or so sex was fantastic and we would go at it 3-5 times a week, sometimes multiple times. But after my last brothel visit (July '12) I had resolved to never ever do that again, and started upping my porn usage in a misguided attempt to compensate. Like, every day, sometimes two to three times a day. And I didn't see a problem with it. After DDay I started IC with a counselor at the local veteran readjustment center and that has been going pretty well, he's helped me to examine my life and the choices I've made, but insofar as an answer to the why of it I've been mostly stumped except for attempting to fill a lack of intimacy due to emotional avoidance from ptsd combined with lingering sexual issues from my failed marriage. My XW was raped while I was deployed, and sex was never good. She would frequently get angry during the act and get very critical. We got married young on a lark and I'm fairly confident that she cheated on me too, although I never sought counseling for any of it. GF agreed to attempt R and we have been seeing a MC to try and help her with the fallout, but have only been able to attend one session early this month due to finances and scheduling since GF has started a new job. I have tried to be empathetic and to answer all GF's questions without getting defensive but I'll be honest – communication was never my strong suit and I'm still pretty confused about what was going on in my head anyway. It's been very frustrating, only had sex 4 times in the last 3 months and while I understand that is more than I deserve it hasn't helped with overcoming my porn addiction. I am, frankly, quite discouraged at our prospects and while I try to stay strong to help her continue it has started to seep into our conversations, causing her to feel even less close to me. I'm getting desperate, feel like I'm wasting her time. I always feel guilty and ashamed and like I can't live with this hanging over me. I'm considering asking her to try sleeping with someone else in order to both even the playing field and to get an opportunity to better understand the hurt I have caused. Not really sure how that conversation would play out. So… advice? Comments? Scathing criticism is expected and accepted, but please try to temper it with something constructive. Thank you. | |||
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