| I committed a crime without realizing. A couple of weeks ago, my wife found a used condom in our bed and immediately accused me of cheating. I have not cheated. I suggested that our pitbull dug it out of the bathroom trash and sure enough, when I placed the used condom back into the trash can, shortly thereafter the dog dug it out again. It was a brand new box of condoms, usually 12 come in a box, so I told her to go count the remainder but I don't think she did. I thought I had proven my point and the idea of cheating was out of her head. About a week after that incident I was cleaning out some containers and boxes in our bedroom when I came across a women's button-up shirt. Assuming it was hers I placed it on the bed along with some other things of hers I found and didn't think anything of it until this last Saturday afternoon. We were sitting around, talking as usual, when she went into the bedroom and came back with the shirt. She said "Look at what I found." and I said that I had found it in a container when I was cleaning the other day. "Well it must belong to that girl you had sex with in our bed." Now she starts to talk very loudly and fast and my head is swimming. I have not had sex with any women since I've met her and haven't had the urge to. But then she pulls out this piece of info which is very true and it starts two years ago. Two years ago, or maybe a little sooner, she decided to start an account on a dating website called Ok Cupid to find a girlfriend for one of her brother's and she said that I should do the same thing. Immediately I thought that was strange but I went along with it. Before I knew it I had messages from other women and at some point I decided that there probably wouldn't be any harm if I messaged a few back. Now this has gone one with numerous women up until this day. I never did anything with these girls, never met with any of them, and I don't think any of the messages were ever of the sexual nature. Some of them were very flirty but I don't think it ever got passed that. Also, somewhat recently, I started to talk to girls I knew on Facebook, not many, but I sent a couple of flirty messages and I told one that my marriage was in bad shape when it wasn't. I don't know why I did th is, maybe for some kind of sympathy I felt like I needed. Anyway, after she pulled out the shirt and accused me of cheating, she opened up my laptop and said she knew everything and pulled up all these accounts of mine, read some of the messages outloud, my head was swimming and everything was happening so fast I couldn't think straight. I tried coming clean, admitted to the online flirting and whatnot, but I never cheated on her physically with another woman. She kicked me out of the house, told me we'd talk in a week, but a couple of days later she sent me a text saying she was ready to talk Tuesday afternoon in person. I talked to her Monday on the phone and she revealed that she wanted a divorce and there was no changing her mind, she didn't want to go back to counseling or anything, nothing will change her mind. So we met Tuesday afternoon, I thought this would be my chance to set the record straight and maybe she'd see things from my point of view and be understa nding, but she had already seen a lawyer and filed a petition for divorce. I couldn't believe it, still can't believe it. After that I tried to tell her my side of things and how sorry, ashamed, and embarrassed I am and she looked me in the eye as I was sobbing through the words but she didn't care, her mind is made up. I told her that I understood where she was coming from, that when all this started I didn't think it was a big deal, but I see now that I wasn't considering anyone's feelings but my own, and I wished that she could see things from my point of view. I said that if she were me she would throw up all over herself, be so embarrassed to be talking to her, and would never show my face in town again. Pretty rough. Yesterday I went back to our marriage counselor alone and told her everything, trying to find answers and hoping there's a way I can postpone the divorce. My wife allowed me to hang out with our 4 month old son for several hours which was nice and we talked a little and the conversations were short and friendly. I'm staying at my folks' house which is a little over an hour away, commuting to work every other day. She wants me to have our son every weekend and once in the middle of the week. I told her I was thinking of moving across country but she didn't like that idea and once while I was talking to our son she said "Someday I can see you becoming a better man and marrying someone else, having another kid, and leaving me in the dust." I don't want to leave her in the dust. What I did in my opinion is still small potatoes but after doing a lot of research I've learned a lot and before I didn't really have an idea why I was doing it but now I think it's because I've been depressed, maybe needed to feel validated sometimes. In some of the messages I tell the woman we should meet up sometime but a lot of these women live in different towns, different states, many hours away, and I rarely leave town, I'm usually home with my family so it's strange to me that it would even be a possibility. How do I fix this? I'm going to counseling, thinking about going to a treatment center for depression across country, I feel like I need to get out of town, see some new scenery, right now I feel like I'm in jail. I know I need to do some changing and I'm more than willing to take the time to do it but I also know that this is the family I want. I love my wife, she's very strong, beautiful, and I know I can be her perfect mate. I feel like if I could get my wife to see a counselor, with or without me, it would do a lot of good but she's totally not interested. Any thoughts, opinions, advice, guidance, anything? | |||
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