| Hi, Sorry for the huge first post... don't blame anyone for being put off reading it. I know from all the books I've read, that my case is pretty much textbook, but I've hit a few things that I feel you guys might be able to help with. About a month ago I found out my wife of 5 years (together 10, have a 4 year old son) has been having an emotional affair (not that I knew it was called that at the time). Things had come to a head - she had been playing an online game on her iPhone for several months and I felt it eating away at our marriage because of the large amount of time invested in the social aspect of it. I knew things were not great by how little we talked. One evening I forced the conversation as the atmosphere was so thick. She said she was having doubts about us, wondered if I would be better off with someone else, said she wasn't sure she loved me. My world was destroyed and I stayed at my mum's the night, inconsolable. I thought she was telling me it was over. The next day she came over at my request, we talked, and agreed (for the sake of our life, home and 4 year old, and because we WANTED to try) that we would try to make it work through therapy. I asked if there was anyone else and she said no. On the drive back home I knew something wasn't right and my intuition was screaming at me that there was someone else. I said as much and she looked uncomfortable but agreed to talk when we got home. She confessed it was someone in the game she was playing. It started as open chat in the game, then private chat, then emailing, the 1-2hr phone call while I was working. I found this out piecemeal. Let's summarise the next month. I panicked, booked a therapy session for 2 days time. I made her send him an email saying they wouldn't speak and that we were working on our marriage. I lost loads of weight, got no sleep, thought about nothing else, had a constant 130bpm heart rate for 2 weeks. I was gripped by anxiety. The therapy didn't work out as my wife took an instant dislike to the therapist when she stated the obvious - that it has to end with this guy if we're to work on our marriage. Over time, the lies of omission came out and more and more detail would come out day by day (even on subjects I thought we'd fully discussed). My wife is a deep thinker and rationaliser. I know she never set out to do this to me, but she is still wrestling with herself over whether what she did is wrong or not. I know it's wrong and have told her as much. Rationally she knows it's wrong, but doesn't FEEL it. She said she never wanted to hurt me, but hasn't apologised for the betrayal. THE PROBLEM: The email she sent the person in question was not "goodbye" but rather, "I can't talk to you right now because my husband said so. I don't know when I'll be able to speak to you again, but my intention is that we will." So, we're a month on and although there has been no contact, she hasn't made it permanent, the option is still open. She still plays the online game (even though she says she plays it only when he's not there). She still has him as a facebook friend and so can look for his posts and still has his number. I believe her 100% when she says they are not in contact, but she has not let go. She says the thought of saying goodbye forever is so hard (even with our marriage at stake). Some other facts: - My wife is a therapist also and is in the final year to become a doctor. She give 8 hours of therapy a week also, and has been seeing her own personal therapist for over 2 years as part of the process. - We've been under a lot of stress seemingly constantly since the birth of our son (work, college, young child etc). - She looks at the EA as a symptom of marital problems already there, and will not accept that this could have detrimentally affected her view of our marriage at all. She seems to act so inconsistently with her character. Like on a drug. - I think the bright light of the affair has made our marriage seem dull in comparison. Again she does not see this - but she finds it hard to recall any good memories until I remind her. - She is fiercely independent - she will definitely not do what people TELL her to do - in fact she might go the other way. I think she has lied to herself the extent of how deeply she got involved in only 6 weeks. - I have made it clear that the choice is no contact with him, FOREVER, and a commitment with try 100% with us, or if she want's to continue contact, that I cannot accept that. - I feel she is overlooking all our good times and trying to rationalise everything, trying to identify some fundamental flaw with us so that she can excuse herself from the marriage guilt-free. - My wife is FEELING very little right now. We have had some glimmers of hope and some good days, but every day this drags on a feel my strength leaving me. Life in the bedroom has picked up immensely, but this seems like a little bubble outside our troubles for a while. How can I stay positive??? I want nothing more than to stay with my wife and my son, so threats and ultimatums sound hollow and I'm scared she won't choose me. | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
No comments:
Post a Comment